Who could possibly believe in astrology? Lue is my name and
SATIRE is my game!
Aries: Fire Child, prepare to be
FIRED!
Ever since you modulated your emphatic manner, it’s working against
you. When Mercury comes into play, your breath will improve! Mars is
not happy with you;
stop it with those Rovers already! A Leo
wants to lay you low, maybe under a bridge. This same Leo wants to
steal your lucky blue underwear. Your lucky number is 69.
Taurus: Your moon is low, pull up your pants! Your stamina has changed
to stubbornness. A gray cat will cast its eye on you around the 19th…
change
the stinkin’ litter box! That man left the toilet seat up, but don’t
let it affect your focus! You’ll take good pics this week. Don’t get
down.
F-stop that! Just cuz it’s your sign, you don’t have to drive it. Your lucky number is 69.
Gemini: Your Venus and Neptune are at war with each other. Can’t you
all just get along? You are an Air Sign, don’t be an airhead! Buy a
tire gauge to check it. Get caller ID: That Someone is going to call.
Buy lotto ticket on Tuesday. Paris Hilton is
video-ing you. Report her to The Dept. Homeland Security, now! Your dearest dream calls you. Answer it! Your lucky number is 69.
Cancer: As of this date, no one knows about your teddy bear! Quit
clutching your loved ones so close. Learn to stand on your own eight
legs. Insults will bounce off your shell.
Avoid all melted
butter. Moonchildren fall in love with you and Jacko. Immediately sell
all of your tobacco stocks and buy some Google. Really,
fight EVERY urge to pinch anyone. Your lucky number is: 69.
Leo: Pluto leaves your fifth solar house for Yoko. Never bet on The Miami Heat. Learn to shoot free throws
better. Your romance is
headed south,
you should head north. Pride goes before a fall off a financial cliff.
Sell Merck, buy Pfizer. Like you & Charlie, most control freaks
DON’T SURF - Ever! Get both of your armpits pierced on Tuesday evening. Your Lucky number is beta.
Virgo: The Harvest Goddess
knows you
file
your undies and sox. There are still 2 dust-bunnies under the TV, you
missed ‘em, haha! Your big adventure will only start if you leave your
house. Today is the first day of the rest of your
tortured existence. Get used to it! Viagra is not for you, but lumbar steroid
injections are. Live long and struggle! Your lucky number is
34 and a half.
[BB]
Libra: Balance is unattainable! Perfection non-existent! Your love life
will sizzle this summer if a certain Gemini overcomes his digital
impairment. Don’t walk on wooden floor if you take the
Pledge.
Overtime is in your future, both at work, as well as in bed. Eat well
to prepare. Practice lowering your force fields. Look for love at the
end of your own wrist. Your lucky number is 69.
Scorpio: You just have to
STOP stinging yourself in the damn foot. You are the luckiest of the all Star Kids. “!noroM ouY ,redraH yrT” Learn to read backwards.
Your Pluto lives with Walt Disney. If you hesitate when it counts, someone else will get the Eggo.
Any motivation works in a storm. Just be nimble, just be quick, and sleep with that blond guy, Rick. Your lucky number is 1600.
Sagittarius: We know you’re busy, quit yelling! The dollar sign
enters Uranus. Now is no time to be betting the farm on anything.
A room full of candles is to be avoided. Some mysterious
cult called
the Presbyterians is stalking you. Get a Cross pen. Buy T-Bonds and
T-Cells. Some Virgo will help you with your laundry. Get on your knees
& be very grateful. Your lucky number is 0.
Capricorn: Ease it, don’t
RAM
it! Things will pan out. That old rogue, Neptune, will have his way
with you. Learn to laugh at those who don’t understand you. (which is
everybody, except other Caps) Buy on the rumors,
leave town
on the news. Buy a mountain and make sure you make your usual molehill
out of it. Get a very expensive lawyer, now! Your lucky number is -3.
Aquarius: On April 1st, a dark stranger with an EverReady battery will recharge you.
Quit your job with Evian! Forget Venus! Only say yes at the end of the month. Your iron is hot, support your Union strikes. Avoid
dawn
like a vampire. Beware of El Nino! If you want a prince, kiss a frog,
not a Frenchman. Pull a bank job, and go on her romantic get-away. Your
lucky number is 666.
Pisces: What is that
smell? A pink-eyed man will give you very
good advice on the 12th. Listen, but don’t touch! The 330 pounds of dimes in your garage meet the cash need!
STAND STILL, and Godzilla won’t eat you! Fish
children belong in a school. Time for you to swim upstream. Let your
hairs down. Always remember to put the toilet seat down. You have
NO lucky number.
I think my prognostications are as valid as The United States Department of Defense’s are. Enjoy!
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