Uncle Sam Meets Uncle Remus!

Oh gosh, all the rest of you countries, please don’t throw America in the briar patch, please!

“Well, we’ve got you now," the disapproving nations (DN) said when it was able to catch its breath. “You dog-eared, bushy tailed bully! Guess who’s eating crow for dinner tonight!”

Uncle Sam would’ve stared right at them if he had not been focusing on democracy. He heard the drool in the DNs’ voices and he knew he was in a world of trouble.

“You ain’t gonna run around the planet raising hell on wheels anymore, Uncle Sam! And it’s you own fault too. Who asked you to butt in and get stuck in Iraq? You stuck yourself in that awful tarbaby quagmire without so much as an 'Ex-cuuse me!' And you can stay there, with your nose in everybody’s business, until the rest of us decide what to do with you!”

Uncle Sam always got enough lip action from anybody and everybody. Uncle Sam once even told God to get separated from America’s government. This time, though, Uncle Sam talked quite humbly: “Well, Disapproving nations…No doubt about it. You’ve got me, and I guess there’s no point in my saying that we would change our ways…IF all of you would help US?”

“No point at all,” The disapproving nations agreed, as they assembled to chastise Uncle Sam.

“ I guess I’m gonna catch hell.” Uncle Sam sighed. “But catching hell is a whole lot better than getting thrown alone into the briar patch that’s Iraq!” Uncle Sam sighed again. “No doubt about it. Catching hell from all the disapproving nations is a blessing compared to having to finish the job in Iraq’s briar patch! If you gotta lose, go down in flames catching hell from other wimpy countries. That’s what I always say. We’ll help you. What is the British way of spelling 'Condemnation'?”

When the disapproving nations heard this, they had to do some more thinking, because they wanted the worst thing possible for Uncle Sam. The disapproving nations thought awhile and said: “ We think we’ll boycott you instead of chastising you!”

Uncle Sam shuddered. “A boycott is a terrible way to go. Just terrible. I thank you, though, because all of you other nations are being so considerate. A boycott is so much better that having to finish the job in that Afghanistan and Iraqi briar patch.”

The disapproving nations thought that over for some time. Come to think of it, we won’t boycott you because it would hurt our own economies and hurt our citizens. We just might vote Uncle Sam out of the yonder United Nations! ”

Uncle Sam sniffed as if he were going to cry. “ No, no, DNs! You know I can’t stand not being in The U.N., to argue with all the GOMER countries. As awful as it would be, being ousted from the U.N. would be better than having to stay and finish the job in that Iraqi briar patch.

“ We’ve got it!” the disapproving nations exclaimed. “ We think it’s too much trouble to kick Uncle Sam out of The U.N. We’ve got our bankers right here. We are going to SKIN the greenback!”

Uncle Sam’s long legs suddenly cramped. “ That’s all right, DNs. It’ll hurt somethin’ fierce, but go ahead and squeeze the dollar as thin as you need. Merge with Amazon.com Eat Texas Instruments and GM. Bankrupt Bill Gates if you have to. Do what’nsoever you want to, but please, please, please! Just…please don’t make America go finish the job in that Iraqi briar patch!”

The disapproving nations were convinced now that the worst thing they could do to Uncle Sam was the very thing Uncle Sam didn’t want them to do. They snatched us up out of the negotiations, and pitched Uncle Sam, as if they were trying to sneak a quick fastball past Barry Bonds, and chunked America smack dab back in the Afghanistan and The Iraqi briar patch!

The disapproving nations waited and didn’t hear a sound. They waited a little longer. Just about that time, a big collective grin spread across their proverbial faces. They heard a little giggle, then the giggle became laughing. What those disapproving nations didn’t understand was: It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it! Uncle Sam WILL pay any price to defeat any foe. Uncle Sam is used to fighting for freedom. You see, America was born and raised in liberty’s briar patch - born and raised in the briar patch.

(Inspired by world events and Joel Chandler Harris)

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