Open Letter to The Iraqi People

Hi everybody! I realize that I’m just one solitary American but, SORRY about the whole invasion slash occupation thing. Our bad! While some in position decided war-wanted war, many Americans did not. Some of us wanted other solutions, like our Ruthless Dictator Relocation Program, or a one-way rocket trip to Mars. But, you know what happened!

I know a lot of the Americans you see are carrying guns. It’s the same here. Speaking of same as here, now that the good ole USA is your new best friend, you’ll see a lot of here, there. By this I mean The BLOB of American culture is coming! Soon you’ll see discarded Coke cans and burger wrappers on the ground. Hear that hum and zoom in the air? That’s aviation and noise pollution, courtesy of the US Army and Air Force. Gee, are those pesky checkpoints causing some backed-up traffic? Hey, America specializes in backed-up traffic. See, it’s working already! The BLOB is coming!

By the way Mr and Mrs Iraqi, all you guys were great in your election. We just loved the blue finger in the air thing. Our New Yorker citizens have something very similar. See, our two countries are getting closer already!

Now, about this whole insurgency boondoggle: can’t we talk it over some? Hey, we don’t want to shoot anybody that is not shooting at us! Well, almost. As soon as we can train enough of you friendly Iraqis to shoot at all of the unfriendly Iraqis, we are outta here! Well, almost!

Look, we promise you can keep all of your oil. Well, almost. We’re just going to drill it, transport it, store it and export it for you. Other than that, you can keep all of your oil. We Promise. This war is not about oil! Oh, I forgot to tell you, we’ll be leaving thirteen or seventeen heavily guarded air bases around your country. It’s no biggie! OK? OK! Great!

Lastly, well almost, we want you to be able to worship any way you want to, but ya gotta admit that whole “Infidel, Infidel, Kill the Infidel!” thing, that’s a real drag for us. If we build some water filtration plants, some electrical generating stations and lots more stuff like that, can we agree to tone down that “kill-kill-kill!” rhetoric? OK? Great!

The whole point here is now, with globalization’s inevitable march, you Iraqi folks are going to be trying to drain the swamp, while hip deep in alligators! Get me? You should all prepare for that Al Jazerra gang to give you hourly reports on the Michael Jackson trial and the incredible media hurricane that’s going to hit you for Saddam’s trial. OK? Great!

I hope my Iraqi best pals will be mindful of this, Anglo western culture is headed your way, so fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Love,

Lue Deck

The Friendly Infidel Comic in Red Shoes!

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