An Open Letter to Gov. Beefcake

Dear Herr Schwartzenegger: I know, as the new Burger-Miester of Callyfornia, you must be busy. But, I have a few requests to make of you. Our great state is referred to as The Land of Fruits and Nuts, and since that silly Gray Davis got punted, you’ve had yourself crowned the head nut.

It seems you’ve fallen a few places back from being Mr. Universe to being Mr. Shriver. I’ve heard you’ve told the movie business people: “ Hasta la vista, baby! ” But, face it, when you’re finished pulling wool over everybody’s eyes, you’re expected to slink back. After all, I’m sure you told your studio: “ I’ll be back! ” didn’t you? Come on, admit it. But, before you return, there are some matters that require your immediate attention.

First, We all saw, in Bush’s Inauguration, that a float that looked like a CLOSED electrical generating plant represented Callyfornia. You know sir, and President Jr. knows, he’s never going to get our electoral votes! Ever! Gee whiz, haven’t you gotten enough hummers?

Second, the new smoking regulations have to go, and go now, like Gone with the Wind! Even you yourself don’t agree with them. Everybody has seen you flaunted the law with that new Cigar Cabana you had set up, just for you, mere footsteps from your office. Now, regular citizens have been prohibited from enjoying a cigarette at the beaches, and in public parks. Thanks, Governor Hypocrite. Enjoy those hand rolled Cubans, while all the other lesser public servants have to congregate outside the front doors. Give us a break. How about some little vestige of equality for all the rest of us regular citizens, huh?

Third, haven’t the Native Americans within our borders been persecuted enough? It looks like

You want a piece of their gambling action. Leave them alone. Don’t you understand by now that exclusive purview to harass them belongs to the federal government? Back off, mister!

Fourth, since you’ve admitted taking steroids as a body-builder, you got a lot of gall danged gall to criticize Barry Bonds, of The San Fransissyco Giants, for committing the same offence. That’s like pot calling the kettle Maui Wowie! Just contain your specious activities to matters that pertain to government, not the important stuff like baseball. Get your priorities straight!

Fifth, as much as you want to, choose not to make any official statements about Michael Jackson’s sexual problems. Don’t complain, because gropers can’t be choosers. I’m really not mad that all those women have accused you of groping them. I’m upset because you are too cheap to pay them off by now. You got your tax cut for the rich from your buddy George, so you can afford it. I know you are in favor of Proposition 69, but please, let’s not go there.

Sixth, you approved a law to make dairy farms cleaner, so you must be familiar with bulls**t.

You also vetoed the bill for car license plates that would feature our newest state motto:

“ Don’t Trash Callyfornia! ” Not so hip, dude! Please consider some other truthful slogans like: “ TAN, or Die! ” Or: “ Humpback THIS! ” Or: “ Our Governor is a KRAUT! ”

Seventh, look at the person you have married. She’s from the Kennedy family. You’ve got no right to stop gay people from marriage. Everybody is entitled to make his or her own mistakes.

At least their homes are much more nicely decorated than yours. Get a wine cooler and chill.

Eighth, how about some grammar and diction lessons? The folks in Oakland have Ebonics, so there is a precedent for sounding under-educated. But, kids in this state need a better example from our highest hauncho executives. Even Vincente Fox speaks better English than you do.

Lastly, Herr Terminator, if you want to be re-upped when Callyfornia has a real election, you gotta be cool, much cooler than you are now. Hire a consultant or two. Maybe a rap artist, or Jessie Ventura, someone else that can explain it all to you. Gary Coleman’s not busy. But at some point, you’re either with us, or against us. It’s your choice.

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