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New Sheriff in Town!

 article about new sheriff in town
2004-11-20 03:41:32

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


Worlds policeman?

Clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching,
clump-ching, ching-ching! (We hear the sounds of boots with both spurs
jangling coming right up to us) Evenin Mam, (tips cowboy hat) Evenin everybody! Its time you should realize, and all yall should spread the word, theres a new SHERIFF in town! (If I could get the whole world to watch one movie that is the scene to include!)

WHAT: A Policeman

WHEN: As soon as possible!

WHY: Look around, SOMEONE HAS TO!

WHO: The United States of America, aka: Uncle Sam!

HOW: I dunno yet! Refer to The Bush Doctrine

WHERE: The whole planet!



We should rename The UN as The League of Idiots! But, wahddaya gonna
do? I know, its awfully damn presumptuous to call it like I see it, but
there it is. Heres the question: Are people ruled by right or might?
Really, ruling with the consent of the governed is considered a
given to Americans. But, it took some evolution to get to where we are.
It was very violent evolution, sometimes. Its still violent,
ask all the rap singers in America! Now, the rest of the world is
entering one of the most violent phases of their collective societies
evolution. This grim phase is eerily similar to the close of Americas
Wild West period! Rustlers/terrorists are spreading everywhere! And we
dont appreciate them rowdies whore shooting up stuff all the time, it
scares all the good folk! So, HEY World, try to get used to this: THERES A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN!


I know this will make some of you angry. It seems like everything
America does, gets somebody angry, somewhere. So I appeal to everyones
sense of logic and fair play. Gee, that usually works so well! Its time to build roads and bridges. Its SO
time to build more schools and churches and temples and mosques and
town halls. Hey, hey, try to relax. Im not trying to make the world
safe for democracy, Im just trying to make the world SAFER! Thats all. Everybody, stop and check the smell of freshly cut grass. Farmers want to farm, builders want to build. Sellers want to sell, buyers want to buy. Fathers want to take care of their families; Mothers want their kids to grow up happy. The promise of America is the opportunity to do so. Why not make it the promise of the whole damn world? So, you tell me right now, WHY NOT??







Now I know, I know, calling for liberty and justice for all, sounds like a pipe dream. More likely, its a pipe bomb dream, but the point is: We should
make this happen, no matter what the cost! When archeologists look back
at us, they wont care about how Michael Jordan played basketball,
theyll check to see if we fed and took care of the children. So, lets
take care of the rug rats with a worldwide promise. Part of making the
children safe is stopping the killers. Part of stopping the killers is
showing up in neighborhoods we arent familiar with. And part of showing
up in those unfamiliar places, is the understanding that some of those
folks are gonna get mad, real mad! In America, weve all learned quickly
that if a gunman is holed up somewhere, its just a matter of time until
someone has to go get him. Leaving gunmen, who are holed up alone, only invites trouble later. Someone has to go get them. Someone HAS TO go get them! Or, there will be much WORSE trouble later! Can you, will you, do you, follow my logic now? THERES A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN!


Who do you trust? You may not trust us now, but you know our
reputation! Thanks for coming by everybody! OK, who wants to go after
them? OK, everybody that wants to go after the bad guys, hold up you
right hand! Anybody? Anybody at all? Oh, Hi, Mr. Blair! Thanks! We appreciate it! Anybody else? ANYBODY?
Yeah, thats just what I thought! Looks like its us, again! Its OK, if
you dont want to go with us, and its still OK to call us in the middle
of the night, if your barn starts burning. We will come as soon as we can! HAVENT WE ALWAYS? Now, excuse us, some of us, we have to go! We need to tend to some nasty business, right now. It comes with the turf!


Now, which America will show up, in which neighborhood, will always be
a crapshoot! Will it be The Keystone Cops of America, or will it be the
Special Forces of America? That is the question! Whatever posse we can cob together is neither trained for this mission, nor will perform perfectly all the time. So sue us!
I mean it! Sue us for damages! Thats how you can really tell if were
bad guys or good guys. Sue us! If were bad guys, well kill you all, for
the temerity of it! But, we wont, because were the good guys! You can always sue the good guys!
And well pay! Then, well pay and disband the posse! Then, we can go
back to whatever we were doing. Thats the promise of America! No
colonies, no empire, just PEACE! Peace to go back to whatever you were doing. But, pass the word to all your pals: Watch out, ever since September 11th, Remember: America is STILL pissed off, and THERES A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN! (clump-clumpching-chingching-chingching-ching)





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