WANNA VOTE FOR U.S. PRESIDENT?

My American government doesnt want me to vote. My first votes were for Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter, and Ive felt badly about it ever since. These days, when I do vote, its usually just to spite them. Its occurred to me that many others might feel the same way. Our politicians quote our founding fathers often as advocating the exporting democracy. Following the example of any U.S. politician is a slippery slope at best, so I do so quite guardedly! (lol) Hey, I want to export some of that democracy stuff myself.

(Heres the pitch:) Do you want to vote for president in Americas next national election? Do you really? Im not just addressing American citizens here. I m talking to everybody who has ever yearned to be free. Tens of thousands of American voters in our 2000 election are still bitterly disappointed and still feel disenfranchised! I just cant help them, but from the other side of the equation, maybe I myself can compensate by enfranchising a voter or some voters in other countries. I WILL SELL YOU my vote for president!

Now, gee whiz, a concept this exciting is bound to be controversial! I expect theres some obscure prohibition against me legally doing this. Ive heard in 'red-white-and-blue' voting lore that, in Chicago, whole cemeteries have voted democratic--twice! In Texas, LBJ made fixing his second election his bread and butter. Yet, most voter fraud is intended to sweep someone into office. Voter fraud?? I mean: this 'Voter Helper' is meant to make EVERYONE feel included in electing the leader of the 'free world.' Thats what I really want to do. I cant stop the bullets and roadside bombs, I cant stop the global warming, and I cant stop Michael Jackson, so Im inviting you to our party.

The shindig we call America is kinda crazy, though. I made up a saying long ago during the Gerald Ford years: CAVEAT EMPTOR VOTUS! See, once we can get you to vote, anyone here can now blame you for any particular social or planetary ill! I can blame you, you can blame me. We can blame them. Theres lots of blame in America to be shared. Come, join us! Weve got plenty to go around, and were cooking up more.

There are only three ground rules:

1) I dont want the money, but in America, thats how we keep score. Please send the cash to The International Red Cross. They need our help!

2) Be advised: I am a stand-up comedian; Im Lue Deck, The Comic in Red Shoes. This joke is very serious to me. Selling you my vote is not a protest; its an invitation to crash the paradoxical barn dance we call the USA. When you pull the curtain in the voting booth, its just you and the damn butterfly ballot. You pay your money, you take your chances. I will not commit a crime, but, I will submit and report each vote cast, from anywhere in the world. Remember: its just a joke! By the way, Palestinians and Estonians are very welcome. Al Queda and Osama bin laden need not apply.

3) Reply to Lue@thecheers.org This deal must be concluded by noon, PST, California time, November 2, 2004. Shortly after that time, I have to go out to vote.

So, if you are willing to pay the smallest denomination of paper currency of your country, I will cast my vote as you wish. Step right up! Heyya, step right up! Who wants to elect the next president of The United Nutty States of America? If you cant come to America right now, use this chance to be part of the land of the free. Weve got room.

My name is Lue Deck, The Comic in Red Shoes, and I approved this message.

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