I love the smell of freshly cut grass.

I love the smell of freshly cut grass. It doesnt matter if its from a baseball diamond, football field, golf course, or Willie Nelsons hookah. If you love sports like I do, this is the best time of the year! Baseball playoffs and The World Series are just the start of it. The Cowboy Cheerleaders are in mid-season form, and NASCAR is ready for its Race for the Crash, uh Cup! Then, the sports gods prove that they have a sense of humor, by canceling hockey season this year! It doesnt get better than this! What a year its been so far. So much has happened; heres a breeze through review of noteworthy events:

We have to start on some sad notes: Hall Of Fame Pro Bowler Earl Anthony has died! His large, indecisive family couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate his remains. So the whole clan voted on it! The decision turned out to be a seven-ten SPLIT!

At her local lanery, K. D. Lang rolled a spectacular 277! Really, its no biggie, but she threatened to hurt me if I didnt mention it!

Father of Drag racing, 'Big Daddy' Roth, has also died! Few knew, 'Big Daddy' actually got his DRAG idea in Gainesville, Florida, from a couple of transvestites! Trans-sexuals allowed for the first time in The Athens Olympic Games--but only in the Canadian locker room!

In golf news: Some rich, white, snob guy missed a putt!

Thats it here, back to you, Bob...Lance Armstrong wins his 6th Tour De France! Wow, what huge huevos he must have!

Da Cubbies are eliminated again! Were out again, HOLY COW!

Pete Rose in ML Baseballs HALL OF FAME?? DONT BET ON IT!

Wheaties will honor Red Sox slugger Ted Williams with a new version of its Breakfast cereal, which will be called: EXTREMELY FROSTED FLAKES!

Teddy Ballgame is so disapointed with The BoSox--hes rolling over in HIS CANNISTERS!!



If youve watched any part of the WNBA, then youve already learned that: WHITE WOMEN CANT JUMP!!! ..EITHER!!

The Los Angeles Lakers team banquet was a big failure last month, when it was discovered that all the food, just like ALL the players, WAS QUITE SPOILED! Los Angeles Laker, Kobe Bryant, has lost his endorsement contract with Nike due to moral turpitude! You explain the word to him. But its OK. It turns out All the shoes were defective! YOU HAD TO FORCE THEM ON!!

In a related story, the NBA Commissioner, David Stern, announces the permanent addition to each referee squad for every game: the 4th official: a Parole officer!

Hollywood is actually going to make ROCKY 6! Can you believe it? In ROCKY 6, Sylvester Stallone actually fights OSTEOPOROSIS!

Hes Mister Bi-Polar! Professional boxer-slash-schizoid Mike Tyson's soon-to-happen next fight will be sponsored by: LITHIUM, VALIUM, AND ZOLOFT! Tyson, also managed to sell his 20 million $$ mansion to rapper Nelly! It took Don King, two gullible bankers and three translators, but, FINALLY, the deal is NOW IN ESCROW!

New England Patriots go for a record breaking twenty straight wins! Thats the longest winning streak in sports, since Don King started fixing boxing matches!

In Buffalo, New York, two intense Buffalo Bills football fans are on trial this week. They were arrested during the game last season for HAVING SEX in the stadium! Their defense: They were the ONLY ONES "ABLE TO SCORE" for three quarters!

Whether you drink from your teams mug, or you sleep in your teams jersey, or even if youve ever played with your favorite players balls, (please! I meant Anika uses a Max-Fly, too!) then you too, like millions of other head cases on this planet, might be a real sports fan! So, always remember, the three MOST DANGEROUS leisure activities these days are: Skydiving, Hand Gliding, and THE NUDE LUGE!

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