Rodman molested by a raccoon, as seen on CNN
News these days tend to move fast, some faster than the others, like the price changes in cucumbers, discoveries of penis-shaped churches, people finding god in dog's butts, terrorizing clowns, not to mention a politician who faces two years in prison for calling Zambian president a potato. One of the latest news that has been covered by the media a lot, is the resurrection of Dennis Rodman. These days he's well known as the lapdog of Kim Jong-Un. Yet, little known is the fact what has caused the sensation.
It was a day like any other when Dennis walked on the street of his hometown Trenton, New Jersey, when he felt like he heard something. He couldn't really understand what it was, as the sounds included purrs, whimpers, snarls, growls, hisses, screams, whinnies, and a random fart every once in a while. Rodman wasn't too afraid, after all, he felt like he's Chuck Norris' step brother and Chuck is afraid of nothing, yet, fright is afraid of Chuck Norris. However, that's the last thought he could remember from that night.
The next morning he woke up in a garbage can with a well-shewed nut in his mouth and couldn't remember how he had ended up in there. Suddenly shivers went through the man's body like never before, and before he could even realise he was doing that, he was out of the garbage can and running like a wind towards the light. Car headlights to be more specific. He had just started to remember the grim experience he had gone through when he had met a raccoon the night before. The raccoon had attacked him and chased him down the road until Rodman had decided to hide in a nearby garbage can. Where unfortunately the brothers and sisters of the chaser-raccoon were enjoying their late dinner. And the arrival of the American Hall of Fame professional basketball player meant a party for them. After all, their Christmas had been rather eventless and the arrival of such a nice creature like Rodman was like a celebrity in a garbage can and they decided they had the make the most of it.
The morning Rodman woke up the raccoons were already long on their way to the next garbage can, waiting for another miracle to happen. Rodman had been left to enjoy their juices.
During the weeks to follow Rodman had been going to a psychiatrist were finally, in order to get better, he was forced to admit the truth. He had been molested by a happy family of raccoons. American raccoons. Those nasty bastards, fucking Americans. The psychiatrist was an American as well, so Rodman couldn't really trust the thin Irish-bearded fellow allegedly trying to help him. After all, he might have had connections to the raccoon family. And while thinking of people who could help him, he remembered that there's a great dictator leading a country somewhere in this world. He wasn't really sure where he's located, but he knew that the plane driver would know where to find him. King Jong-Un, known as the man who does not defecate. Unlike those American raccoons. Kim had recently told in one of his speeches to children that
"North Korea is the most powerful country where every home will be full of laughter and everybody lives in harmony.
And this sure sounded like the best place on earth for Dennis. Suddenly he wanted to laugh with Kim, cry on the lap of him, go to dance parties and sing birthday songs to him. Having been molested by a raccoon had suddenly shown him a way to continue his life better than he had ever imagined. And so he told the plane driver to take him over the seven mountains and seven seas, where the sun always shines and people's hearts are full of laughter and harmony, to the mysterious place, to the place where Kim Jong-Un lives.
Now he's there, happy as hell, full of laughter, vodka, and by the look of it, any other imaginable drug available. It's obvious that by the end of the day the raccoon family made him happy. While CNN hasn't obtained the selfies made in the garbage can on the night of the molestation, CNN has managed to get a few other videos that show Rodman's miraculous transformation.
CNN is there to cover everything Rodman, after all, together with Kim Jong-Un HE is the news. Nothing else matters. Earthquakes, school shootings, car bombs, enough of those already. Let's have some more Rodman!
This was a live life report by the world's renowned investigative reporter Harry Twohooter. Stay tuned for more.
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