26 Ways To Repair America's Image!
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
(Hey, The USA used to excel at this kinda stuff!)
Let's face it, as far as
Startup a new YouTube-like website called "Bitch About America!" to drain off some of the hostile feelings towards
Empower women worldwide by electing a woman as President!
Empower minorities worldwide by electing an African-American as President!
Stop the war in
Put Vice President Dick Cheney's next heart operation on pay-per-view, then use the profits to eradicate malaria! (Dick might end up being good for something!)
Denote Halliburton and Blackwater as war profiteers, confiscate their profits for the last seven years, then fund and open free DeVry technical schools in 50 undeveloped countries!
Re-activate and mobilize The Peace Corps again! (This worked in the '60's.)
From now on...free pantyhose for all voting citizens in any country Dubya invades!
Everyone in the world gets twelve Power-Ball lottery tickets!
Invent and export millions of cheap one-family homes made out of Lincoln Logs! (Let the Tupperware people market and distribute the homes.)
Hire the Dutch to build electricity producing windmills for any country that sells Coca-Cola!
Harness Al Gore and his soaring popularity to a huge bycycle-drive powered air conditioner and start reversing global warming!
Capture and funnel all the hot air from talk-radio hosts to light up
Buy every Chia-Pet on the damn planet, then use the greenery to feed the livestock in the most drought stricken countries!
Give everybody on the planet a Bob Marley CD! Then force them to listen to it!
Startup a porno website staffed by Bee Aurther and her Golden Girls called: "77 Virgins.com!"
Use all of Britany Spears' unused panties as a filter for the world's largest de-salinization plant to provide free fresh water for
Go to Mars! (I mean it, everybody in
Let Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopt all African orphans! (And I mean: ALL of them!)
Start gun buy-back programs in every country in the
(Turn in an AK-47, get a Buick! Turn in an IED, get a George Foreman grill!)
Declare a Surprise Amnesty day for illegal immigrants in
(If you can get here by Election Day 2008...YOU'RE IN!!)
Recognize the problem, design a solution...That's the American way! If none of these designs float your boat, then feel free to float your own! I'm open to any suggestions from anyone. It's time to get ahead of the curve, don'tcha think? What would you do...if you were king?
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I’m being kept in chains inside the cyber castle of The Cheers magazine. My editorial staff is throwing stones at me, one bigger than the other. They used to just call me bad names, but that all changed when I told them there’s no money for them anymore.
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This article is dedicated to much beloved bald guy: Tom Sobel! Get well soon buddy!
Standing at the bar watching them are a balding New Yorker, a Mormon, some Huckabuck, and one angry Vietnam vet. All are quite wary, as this is the first time they've been in the same room. Slowly, all notice: hanging behind the bar is a huge oil painting of Jeb Bush. It has a long moustache and big eyeglasses crudely drawn on it's face. Everybody smiles!