From First to Worst!
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
(A critique on The USA's slide in worldwide popularity!)
Gosh, it seems like just a few years ago
, and most of its people were hot! Damned hot! We all felt lots better about ourselves when we were, didn't we? Now, we're not hot! Definitely not! Say, just exactly what happened? Americans seem to be the planet's sad pariahs these days, and it's just not fair! How did we, as a nation, and we, as a people, get to this awful predicament where we find ourselves now? And how can Uncle Sam, America , Uncle Sam, and all of us get back to being everybody's best buddy again? America
I don't know about you, but it's my observation that
As the world's default policeman,
Now, add to that simmering brew, those two little ‘ol things called liberty and freedom that Americans seem to have so much of, (and are willing to export almost anywhere these days) and I think we've got us a volcano of resentment. A vicious volcano being re-hashed over and over by the voracious news cycle looking for it's next victim!
Next, with Afghanistan, Iraq, Turkmenistan, and Whozit-stan upping The USA's invasion count to four, (that's not counting Grenada and the Duke Lacrosse Team) there are even more people pissed, miffed, and peeved at us!
As the actual richest nation, and third largest,
Please understand: solutions to slides in popularity may have to be drastic. Ask any right wing zealot or left wing nut doing talk radio. My answers to this complex problem of Gordian dimensions (Jeff Gordon, not the knot!) are blends of traditional and new age cash re-investments. Comments will be as barbed and aimed as those at a debate between The Daughters of The American Revolution and the
First, not counting some of the recent idiotic appointees at The State Department, nearly a third of the American public now hold passports for international travel. That's more than 80 million chances to show the world what kind of folks Americans are. They have always been our best ambassadors. We should also realize that our actions could work for or against us, considering some of the folks here that have enough time and money to travel!
Second, we publicly execute the originator of the ad campaign for that new headache remedy: Head-On! (Apply directly to the forehead!) (Please shoot this person…directly in the forehead!)
Third, we hire the ad agency that rescued Eddie Murphy's and Hugh Grant's image.
Fourth, The USA promises not to invade anywhere for 2 whole years! (Don't tell Condoleezza Rice about this!)
Fifth, We pray for our enemies! (The evangelists made us include that one! Typically, We had no choice!)
Seventh, The USA promises to jail Michael Jackson, if we still can't find Osama bin Laden!
Eighth, a giveaway scheme designed to create goodwill has to do the job needed, so it should be designed accordingly. Immediately inform every person in the world that they COULD be a winner in The Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes! Then, in honor of the recent demise of the inventor of Cheese Whiz, everybody alive gets three cans of Cheese Whiz! Next, everybody aboard this rock gets a copy of Roseanne Barr's faithful rendering of 13 different national anthems! (Ours twice!) Also, we quadruple The Marshall Plan and see if we can buy The Mid-East and
Tenth, and most drastically, we tell the world that if they make us too, too mad, we'll elect Dick Cheney, and let him loose on everybody!
How about them apples?
I believe it will take show-biz trickery, combined with Madison Avenue style marketing to do this enormous task of reversing The USA's slide in popularity. Only our past history of the same has convinced me we can do it again. I wonder if Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks are busy? Hmm.
Well, look at the bright side. We got here so fast; we could probably get back to where we were, can't we? Or, did somebody I know named Bush screw
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This article is dedicated to much beloved bald guy: Tom Sobel! Get well soon buddy!
Standing at the bar watching them are a balding New Yorker, a Mormon, some Huckabuck, and one angry Vietnam vet. All are quite wary, as this is the first time they've been in the same room. Slowly, all notice: hanging behind the bar is a huge oil painting of Jeb Bush. It has a long moustache and big eyeglasses crudely drawn on it's face. Everybody smiles!
(Or: Why should I say thanks?) (Or: Just sit your xenophobic butt down, and listen to reason!)
Hey world, calm down some! Gosh, golly, gee, if we're all so terrible just put America on “hold” for awhile until we get a new leader. Dubya’s warranty runs out next year, and we’re replacing him just as fast as our constitutional processes allow.
Atheism is on a definite decline worldwide . . . thank God! In this month in 1902, the vacuum cleaner was invented! Some pessimists say: "Ever since then . . . Life sucks!" (Seeing ...