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Ephemera From Poor Lue!

 article about Ephemera From Poor Lue!
2007-04-18 03:10:43

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


Atheism is on a definite decline worldwide . . . thank God!


 


In this month in 1902, the vacuum cleaner was invented! Some pessimists say: "Ever since then . . . Life sucks!"


 


(Seeing the massive religious celebration Holy-Palooza is quite reassuring . . . until the secular world raises its ugly head.  The aristocracy is mutating into hypocrisy, while we pay it too little attention.  Here's some temporal reporting from someone who may actually pay too much attention.)


 


April Fool's Day has passed!  That means we, here in America, missed another opportunity to just pull out of Iraq and claim it was all a big joke!


 


I'm not saying The UN can't help anybody, but . . . their newest peace initiative is too vague:  The UN wants to put some Bed, Bath, and Beyond employees as peace negotiators in all of the world's combat zones!


 


The new Hooters restaurant in Jerusalem will feature eight live video screens showing Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed, and Vishnu spinning in their graves!


 


Now that the Blair Witch Project is just about over in England, environmentalists are saying gases from livestock are the central contributor to global warming! Great, now all we have to do is figure how to feed all those cows some Beano!


 


Don King meets The Pope!  America's shadiest boxing promoter meets the only man alive who has actually fixed more matches than him!


 


The CIA is accused of illegally holding some detainees on Jet Blue airplanes!


 


The United States Supreme Court rules that is legal for our President to order someone killed!  (As long as it's NOT a member of our Supreme Court!)


 


Republicans are quick to point out: All those lawyers that Attorney General Gonzales fired served at the pleasure of the President!  But, that's the same thing Bill Clinton was always saying about his intern!


 


The newest crop of Republican presidential candidates has more divorces between them than Elizabeth Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor combined! And that's not even counting Mitt Romney's magic underwear!


 


Dow Jones Stock average has a bad day and drops 100 points! It immediately shaves its head and checks into rehab!


 


Bank of America offers credit cards to illegal immigrants now in The United States! B of A figures: "If they're smart and ambitious enough to get in here, then B of A is smart and ambitious enough to charge them astronomically high ATM fees!


 


On St. Patrick's Day in NYC, if you visited that Taco Bell/KFC and caught a rat . . . he had to give you his pot of gold!


 


New law in New Jersey: Dogs can't bark for more than a half an hour! If your dog barks longer, some Italian guy from the Sopranos will come by, and shoot him!


 


Even his doctors couldn't kill Regis Philbin!  For God's sake, they actually drove a stake through his heart!  But they couldn't kill him!


 


When Barbra Walters interviewed Columbia's eccentric President Chavez, Hugo was confused.  Apparently, he said he would make nicey-nice with the United States only


if Barbra would get him a date with Rosie O'Donnell!


 


California passes a new law prohibiting any reality-TV performer from breeding!


 


Malibu is 25 miles long, and has 26 rehab facilities!  You can get help for alcoholism, abusing prescription pills, or marrying Kevin Federline!


 


Phil Spector's trial lawyers complained, but the prosecutors dismissed 43 potential jurors from serving. It seems all 43 had either served on Robert Blake's jury, or OJ's!


 


Hugh Hefner, at 80 years old, will marry his 27 year old girlfriend!  My question is:  How many times does 80 go into 27? (Less than you'd think, I bet!)


 


CA man sues to stop paying alimony to his ex-wife, because now, she has become, surgically, a man!  And we all wondered what had happened to Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold!


 


The United States Geological Survey will map Cuba's offshore oil deposits.  If the oil reserves prove to be as vast as Fidel Castro is bragging they are, then Cuba can not only expect an offer to join OPEC, MLB will probably offer to locate their next baseball team franchise in Havana!


 


The state of New Mexico has outlawed cock-fighting!  Now, if we can only get San Francisco and Hollywood to do the same!


 


40% of American workers admit to having sex on the job! No problem if you're on American Idol . . . but not with any of the mutants where I work!


 


New medical study says: Women live longer because they menstruate!  I think those crazy Doctors misinterpreted their data.  The way I see it is this: Men want to die younger . . . because women menstruate!


 


America didn't invent fun...fun invented America!


 


So, screw your head on straight, and try to make fun . . . Not War! Peace out!


 


 





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