Save Earth and Laugh Now!
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
(The galaxy needs comics!)
Turns out, The Confederation of Planets won't admit Earth until we've attained certain levels of science, sensitivity, and nonviolence! Informed of this data, a select group of future thinkers have been planning, funding, and constructing to gain admittance! This exposť is meant to shine some much needed light on their magnanimous efforts.
As an overview, we admit knowing (for an insidious reason) Earth's occupants must develop, faster than the speed of light, space travel as a basic science requirement for galactic representation. We also know that racist societies will not be permitted to explore space. Lastly, The Confederation of Planets will not allow war outside Earth's Solar system, so Earthlings will be restricted to our own planet for the foreseeable future, until we can stop killing one another. (Kinda like our no-fly zone turned back on us!)
A copy of entrance requirements was pilfered from the inter-space authorities and transmitted to the cable channel, Comedy Central by a disgruntled alien from The Confederation, who prefers to remain anonymous. This angry alien chose Comedy Central because the jokers working there probably are the only ones to take such an electronic document seriously. He was most certainly right.
Close study of mankind's requirements to join The Confederation reveals an inadvertent loophole in the legal structure of their document. (Evidently, our lawyers are sharper than theirs are!) So, planets who haven't met the intergalactic standards yet, may substitute a commodity in surplus available on their home world. The list of substitutes is few and mostly unheard of here. But, one commodity stands out like a scalper with Super Bowl tickets. It's laughter! Laughter is most highly prized on those long stellar voyages.
You think your commute is boring? Try a trip that lasts twenty light years.
So, Earth's advance planners have decided to finagle our entrance to The Confederation of Planets by offering to export certain standup comics to act as relief on alien vessels. (Just like Earthlings to cheat on an admissions test!) These wise men figure the benefits of an early admission will not only be very profitable but might possibly manifest other avenues of advantage:
Here's a chance to rid the planet of Andrew "Dice" Clay, Dane Cook, and Joy Behar! Some speculate Sam Kinison and Rip Taylor have already made the trip.
The catch to Earth's plan is: there's an audition situation to qualify, and lately, our planet hasn't worked much, so we don't have an agent right now! It'll be a real cattle call, but Earth will probably have to audition!
As most of us understand by now, alien spacecraft fly by, on, and through our area of operations more often than Elton John cries, so we can count on their sophisticated instruments picking up how much Earthlings laugh. This will get us our audition at the
interplanetary Gong Show forthwith!
The first step in completing Earth's grand plan is informing and enlisting our general population. (This communication is a beginning step.)
The next step is to encourage everyone to go out and find reasons to laugh! (Laughter at home only registers at one-tenth as much as public laughter.)
Visit your local comedy club and enjoy the fun! (If music soothes the savage beast, then comedy recharges your patience battery!) Go out and heckle the Gay Pride Parade! ("Hey mister, I knew Judy Garland, and you sir, are no Judy Garland!") Go see a funny movie with your pals! (This doesn't include any Will Ferrell movies!) Visit a public park and tease some mimes!
Do anything you can think of to increase how much you and your loved ones laugh! This'll not only make you feel better, it'll help save our future!
In the immediate months ahead, all sorts of intergalactic alien judges will be in our vicinity monitoring their butts off! It is imperative that everyone down here does all they can to increase the amount of fun and laughter right now, so it will count for us with those up there!
Remember, believe: you have to go out . . . Save Earth . . . and laugh now!