Wanna' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine?
(Walk A Mile in My Red Shoes!)
If you are a citizen of a country that's not America, I wish you well! I really do! It's too bad that I can't say the same for some of your governments.
I hope, in return, you wish us well too. I'm not really sure you do at all, but I'd like to think you do! I think I'd be right in assuming you don't wish our leaders and government well. Oh, it's horrible here in America, what with all the freedoms and liberties. There's so much time to have fun. It's like an entire population on laughing gas here, everybody's so freakin' happy! Do you want somma this? Just step outside, buddy!
Want to trade?
Taken, as a given for now, that we can both get our respective governments to clear the legal paperwork fuss (there's bound to be some) here's my pitch:
How would you like to trade citizenship with me? It seems a given here that citizens of other countries would want to live in America. Accept my offer and you come to live my life for at least three months, and I'll go and live your life for three months, (less, if there's any gunfire) then, we'll compare notes!
Before I get carried away with this oddball idea, (oddball is American slang meaning: different, out of the box, wacky, eccentric, weird, warped, etc.). Here's how I expect to pull this mondo bizarro barter off:
First, if there's enough response and comments, we pitch it to the reality TV producers who are most desperate for a hit show. They'll provide the money and logistics to begin the process. I will admit it'll be a real drag having all those cameras and tech people in our faces, but if you can handle it, then so can I. Some Americans think reality TV causes cancer, but they don't have any proof yet. Besides, you might get to meet Simon and/or sleep with that Paula Abdul!
Next, applicants will be required to do my job, as I will be required to do theirs. I personally will screen everyone, to ensure I don't have to do a job I don't want. (Hey, this is my idea, if you don't like it, get your own!) To try to ease the transition, the person who is to do my job will get to do my act! Oh, didn't I tell you yet? I'm Lue Deck, The Comic in Red Shoes! (I'll get you some appropriate shoes.) I also perform lots of shows for our armed forces here, so expect a few extra security searches when you go on their bases (clean underwear is advised.) And I write for an online magazine! I have the very brightest editor in the industry, who'll walk you through writing my column every week. (I'm usually past deadline!)
The person I exchange citizenship with will stay in my cozy apartment in West Los Angeles, California. You're notified herewith to stay away from my girlfriend! The exchangee will be expected to obey all laws. Well.... at least as much as I do. (We’ll talk later.) The only requirements: an ability to speak English reasonably well, and a big smile! (Oh, hey, bring some extra cash, it's quite pricey here!)
Here's the good part: President Bush probably won't invade you while you're in California. The bad part is I can't say the same thing when I'm in your country!
In fairness, I need to say that I will not trade into some job that's illegal, or too dangerous. (I'm just a silly comic!) I will not try to sleep with your family, or your girlfriend (s?) I will also need bathroom facilities equivalent to my own. No meat processing workers or terrorists need apply! Also, to be real about this, I'm not picking some place with snow on the ground. I'm funny, but I'm not stupid.
Here's a helpful hint: reality TV producers like good looking single people. It's how those types of TV shows pay their rent. Pictures will be required in the next round. Also, don't be on our NSA's "NO FLY" list. If you know Osama bin laden, or Estonia's Siim Einfeldt, this gig is definitely not for you!
The best part is that I will be beside you for the three months to ease your way into American life. You will also be with me to escort me through your country's ways. Again, you will have to wear some red shoes while here. This requirement is a deal-breaker! No, I won't wear a birka.
I promise nothing, just the start of a very interesting discussion. What have you got to lose? What about it? Feeling lucky, punk? I'm an American citizen! How would you like to trade places with me? I'll become a citizen of your country, and you'll get to be an American citizen living in Hollywood!
People worldwide, are hateful to America and to Americans, everyday! But, admit it to yourself: It does look like a fun ride, doesn't it?
Wanna' trade your citizenship papers for mine?
(Comments are encouraged and welcomed.)
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