With three hundred and sixty one days gone from 2006, it may be a good idea to retrace our steps to see how we've come to where we are. At least that's what I've been telling my goverment. Here are my 100 best jokes, chosen from the past ten months:
Star Power:
Our immigration problem in California is so bad; we had to hire a guest-worker from Austria to govern the damn state!
Next week, Martha Stewart shows us all the correct way to make a prison bitch! Xena, Warrior Princess, has retired. Xena is now the new CEO of Amazon.com!
West Coast scientists have discovered a third gender on the planet, and they have named it Ryan Seacrest!
Mick Jagger is now 62 years old! That’s 247 in Keith Richard years!
Woody Allen is 66 years old! How many times does 66 go into 23?
David Crosby was arrested for pot and guns! Police broke into his hotel room after Mr. Crosby mistakenly loaded the revolver with his Maui-Wowie…and proceeded to bong three of his bullets!
Willie Nelson’s Dad invented the world’s first parental drug test!
When Rosie O’Donnell joined ABC’s “The View” our chances of seeing a Bitch-slap increased by 300%!
When Rosie O’Donnell married her longtime girl-toy…hundreds of her fans gathered and started yelling, “You DA man!”
The UCLA morgue is raided by LAPD for selling spare body parts on the Black Market. Cops on the beat tell us it was a multi-million dollar conspiracy to procure replacement parts for Cher!
Did you hear about the new Bobby Brown Bail Company? Hey, if we can keep getting that knucklehead Bobby out of jail…then we can get anybody out of jail!
Proctor & Gamble will merge with the company that makes Tampax! Executives from both agree there will be no strings on the deal.
A man in Bloomington, Indiana falls into a vat of Preparation H…and simply disappears.
Bill Gates has invented a new computer that is so smart, it can teach you exactly how to use your old computer!
On Wall Street, Dow Jones reports that ZigZag papers are at a 52 week high!
Time Magazine issues its “100 Most Influential People in the World!” Regis Philbin missed the list by 241 places.
Evidentially, Mission Impossible 3 was getting enough people to pay to see it!
The World:
Our friends at the UN remind us: “Friends don’t let friends INVADE too much.”
The United Nations deliberate on whether to use its single nuclear weapon, as Finland hosts the World’s Kareoke Championship.
At Guantanemo Bay, Cuba, in Camp X-Ray, all the detainees have been examined and deemed OK by that Dr. Phil guy!
France says they will change it’s official flag to ALL WHITE!
Rabbis in the holy city of Jerusalem have decided to postpone Hanukkah until January 3 this year because the Chosen People should not have to pay retail!
To an average Middle Easterner, Saudi Arabia must seem like “Muslim Decaf!”
Iran will build its first theme park named, “Aeiiieeee!” All the rides will finish facing Mecca!
Seventy two percent of Americans think immigration is not a real problem. But only if you ask them in Spanish!
In Washington, D.C., Homeland Security shuts down the Senate Office Building when automatic sensors alert to a dangerous substance in the attic. As luck would have it, it was an old pool of unused “honesty” and no one knew what to do with it.
India, Pakistan, and North Korea now have nuclear weapons. You know what this means? It means now 7-11 controls the whole damn world!
I lost my driver’s license! Then Homeland Security called me and wanted to know why I had crossed at the Tijuana border...240 times yesterday.
Bush Jr.
There are 3 Howdy-Doodies still in existence. The first is in the Smithsonian Institute, the second is with the heirs of Buffalo Bob, and the third is serving his second term in the White House.
The price of gasoline is so high, Bush's going to have to invade 3 more countries.
Just be careful if you call President Bush a son of a bitch. Because this time, we know exactly who’s involved!
Bush Jr. just had his second colonoscopy. All the Doctors found was an impression of his own head!
All the networks have started a seven-second delay during Bush’s public speeches, just in case he tells us some of the truth!
And what is with the Bush twins? They seem to always be getting in trouble with the law. One for beer, the other for pills. Just who do these little tarts think they are? Kennedy’s?
There is one thing I do like about President Bush Jr. Bush has a worse arrest record than I do!
President Bush visited Mongolia! Mostly because everyone told him that nobody from Vietnam was there.
If you had all the Bush-haters in big line right next to all the Clinton-haters in a big line…there’d be a real big fight.
Bill Clinton’s legacy may be stained, but George Bush Jr’s legacy is misspelled.
Bush advisors are deserting his ship of state like rats. Really, everyone who has an exit strategy.....has already left!
When Congress put a “donut hole” in our health coverage, they hadn’t anticipated our president acting like one!
I knew there’d be trouble when Bush JR’s approval rating got lower than his IQ!
Bush’s approval rating is at a yearlong high of 32, and Dick Cheney’s rating is at a low of 18. Ironically, that kinda sounds like the overnight weather forecast in Hillary Clinton’s bedroom!
On your TV fall: Survivor-FEMA staff! Everyone late in responding to Katrina is put on a desert island, in hopes they’ll all start eating each other.
Dick Cheney:
The American Guild of Puppeteers has contacted Dick Cheney! They’ve asked him to do a better job of hiding the strings.
Hey kids, be the first to get your own Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Action Figure! It comes with the authority to order no bid contracts, declassify documents, and it’s very own shotgun. Lawyers, ammo, and alibi not included.
Security on the Mexican border is so bad, Dick Cheney has offered to grab his shotgun, and go patrol it his own damnself!
Cheney says he doesn’t want to run for president in 2008. No surprise, considering he already IS president!
Pentagon orders record amount of new body armor! It’s not for the troops in Iraq; it’s for the next idiots that go hunting with Dick Cheney!
Hamas and Hezbollah leaders announce that they are refusing to go on that hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
NRA’s new logo features Dick Cheney with his shotgun, hunting quail at dawn.
NRA’s new motto is, “If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like duck, SHOOT IT!
Congress promises to fund all space operations for 20 years…if NASA will put Al Gore and John Kerry on the moon! There’s bonus money, if Teddy Kennedy and Howard Dean make the trip too!
The FBI says there are 561 hate groups on the Internet. That’s not counting the Republicans.
Voting officials in Ohio and Florida agree there was a problem the last couple of times…and they promise the next election will be fixed.
War in Iraq:
The US mint will open a branch factory in Iraq! The Republicans have been spending so much lately, the two mints they operate here can’t keep up.
You’ve got to admit the Iraqi people really do understand democracy! Because they started bitching on Day One!
The American-owned, Iraqi-operated radio station in Baghdad had promised to stop playing all Barbra Striesand music…because haven’t these people suffered enough?
The president of Iraq, who is Kurdish, refuses to wear that jacket America sent him, mostly because of the big target on the back!
Administration advisors admit there is a plan in the works to divide Iraq into three parts:
North Iraq, South Iraq, and the United Emirates of Halliburton!
Wacko Michael
Michael Jackson is the strangest person on planet earth since The Human Fly!
Knowing Michael Jackson is great experience for becoming a congressional page!
After being acquitted in his recent child molestation trial, Jacko went back home to Neverland and cracked open another 12-year-old boy!
Michael Jackson is being accused of leaking Grand Jury testimony. Believe me, of all the things that Michael Jackson might leak…evidence is the only thing I’d ever want to hear about.
Michael Jackson’s public service announcements for Black History Month have been cancelled! Hey, Michael, as far as being black goes…you ARE history!
Satan announces Hell will close its Hollywood offices, because it’s just too sleazy there.
Obituary:
Hall of Fame bowler, Earl Anthony dies! His large, indecisive family could not decide whether to bury or cremate. It was a 7-10 split!
The founder of the first convenience store has died. Graveside visits are allowed only between the hours of 11 PM to 7 AM.
The founder of Holiday Inn’s has died! Yeah, first he called the housekeeper, then he checked out early!
The founder of Hooter’s died at 69! Oh, and he was 72 years old!
The inventor of Botox dies at age 90. But since his face hadn’t moved in two years, it took his butler three days to discover he was dead!
Andy Gump, inventor of the portable toilet has died. His third wife tells us right before Andy died, his entire life flushed before his eyes.
Sports:
In America, there are twice as many fishermen than golfers. That’s because you can get a lot more beer in a boat than in a golf cart!
Los Angeles Dodgers need a base stealer…so they trade for Winona Ryder.
Pete Rose…in Baseball’s Hall of Fame? DON’T BET on it!
At the Pebble Beach tournament, some rich white snob missed a putt. Back to you, Bob!
They are actually going to make Rocky VI! In Rocky VI, Sylvester Stallone will fight osteoporosis!
Nike cancelled Kobe Bryant’s shoe contract on moral grounds. But it’s OK, because as it turns out those shoes were defective! Yeah, you had to force them on!
Valium, Zanax and Lithium will sponsor Mike Tyson’s next professional fight.
Mike Tyson sells his million-dollar mansion to rapper Fifty Cent. It took two translators, Don King, and an AK-47 to close it, but the deal is done.
Wheaties breakfast food, the cereal of champions, will honor Ted Williams again, with their new “Extremely Frosted Flakes!”
At NASCAR’s championship in NYC, all drivers and pit crews are required to wear brown tuxedoes they were provided. That’s to make sure that the tobacco-spit stains won’t show on TV!
In Buffalo, NY, two Buffalo Bills football fans are on trial this week, for having sex in the stadium during the game last season! They’re only defense: they claimed they were the only one’s to score for 3 quarters!
The Detroit Tigers get a huge turnout for their recent Fan Appreciation night. “Free Handgun Night!”
Sexual information:
Americans have more sexual partners than any other country. We’re Number One! We’re Number One!
On any particular day, half of the women in America are PMSing! So fellas…just put the chocolate on the floor and back away slowly.
A new study says estrogen improves a womans’ memory. Guys, that’s exactly why she can remember every stupid thing you ever did.
You can now get insurance for sexual performance! So...you’re in good hands with Allstate!
There have been 69 deaths associated with the use of Viagra! And…more than one or two eyes almost put out!
In Philadelphia, police bust up a large prostitution ring working out of a Lens-Crafter’s store! Evidentially, you could have been in and out…and in and out…in about an hour!
A new study says Americans average 16 hours of sex during their lifetime. Hey, I don’t know about you, but I think I’m out of minutes.
38% of U.S.women say they can be talked into a threesome! The other 62% say they can be talked into a divorce with alimony, just for mentioning a threesome!
My girlfriend is not my better half! It would be more accurate to say that She’s my better seven-eighths!
Well, there you have it, my favorite 100 jokes from this year. You see, everybody ought to believe in something. Christians believe in the second coming of Christ. Judaic history tells us they believe they are awaiting their messiah. Shite islamists believe in the return of the 12th Immam, a messainic figure also called the "Mahdi". Buddhists believe the Dali Lama is the physical reincarnation of their leader. Whereas I believe in the power of people who laugh. Enjoy the rest of the year, and take enough time get the laughs you need!
I'm Lue Deck, The Comic in Red Shoes, and I approved this message!
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