I hate improv comedy. In this town, Chicago, it's a lot like saying you hate grass. (like stuff you find in the park, not in your drawer, Deadhead.). It's so prevalent and so part of the scene you're supposed to come to accept it. But I don't.

It's at this point I should mention that I am a stand-up comic, and Improvers are the McCoys to my Hatfields. So yes, I'm quite biased. But whatever, so's the president, but no one seems to mind too much. Or at least enough.

You've heard that stand up comedy is the hardest thing to do in entertainment. It's not. It's harder. Not only do I have to make you laugh, or think, or both, but also I have to take you the whole way there. I have to pick you up from your doorstep, and take you through the woods while making you notice every bit of scenery, before we get to the destination, the punch line. And I have to do it slow enough so you don't miss anything, and I have to take a route you can completely understand.There is no part of the joke, or set-up, or anything I can leave out. My timing, my wording, my inflection has to be perfect.

Surgeons ain't got nothin'on me.

But then these improvers, who figure they're pretty enough that they don't have to do anything of this sort, invade us.

All they have to do is figure out what would be weird about any situation, and plug it in. Oh, I'm in a kitchen? What's Siegfried's white tiger doing here??
And you people eat it up. If you can take a class on how to do something and become as good as anyone else in it, then it's not that hard or special.

Is there a world-class yoga practitioner out there? Didn't think so.

Those who flock to my hometown to do this are the worst. First off, they have an IMAGE. They haven't got anything original to say, or an original way to say it. But if they say anything enough, they figure to get a reaction. They can convince you they are funny by constantly telling you that they are. They wear glasses with fake lenses. They wear blazers for no reason, and they don't even listen to hipster music. They all have newsboy hats. It's gross, and you shouldn't support it any more. It's all a sham. Don't be fooled. We're better than this. It's bad enough Jim Belushi's from here; do we have to deal with this too?