As an entertainer, I have been asked to work some rather unusual
events. This is a story about the one that got away. I didnt turn down
the gig. The client revoked their request for my services because my
booking policies were unreasonable.

I was asked to work a party
being thrown by a business called the House of Whacks. This is a major
supplier of fetish and bondage gear for consenting adults. Not only was
I undisturbed by this, but at the time, I was dating a girl who was
more than familiar with the product (thereby making me familiar), so I
wasnt really shocked. After all, Im a red-blooded, porn-watching
American male and having worked for both circuses AND carnivals,
NOTHING shocked or surprised me. I know it takes all kinds of people to
make a world and sex is one area where it seems all bets are off when
it comes to personal taste.

The client HAD to have a juggler
greeting people at the door of the party, wearing bondage gear and
juggling sex toys, such as dildos, paddles and the like. I was told
that she had called EVERY entertainer in the Chicago area (which I know
is an extensive list) and was upset to see that nobody would take on
this gig. She even told me I could come to the store and try out their
stock items to see what I could...uh...come up with.

I told
her that I would be more than willing to do the job but due to the
nature of this performance, I had a few stipulations. These were to
protect my business and identity so I didnt kill my steady amount of
family & corporate work. First of all, I wanted to wear a mask of
some kind. I figured this would be the easiest request to fill. The
damn store had plenty of leather or latex bondage masks with a zipper
mouth and slits for eyes. Why would it seem strange for me to wear one
at this party (hey, when in Rome)? Next, my fee would be somewhat
higher than normal for the customization and the potential for losing
work (thus, the dildo tax was born). Finally, I didnt want my name
featured in any of the promotional fliers nor did I want it in any
subsequent press clippings. Honestly, how much work would Andy the
Dildo Juggler get at your local park district?

I thought these
were reasonable requests and I went into detail explaining that these
terms were not to reflect any judgment upon the people attending the
party. My position: while there is nothing abnormal about the clientele
at the event, the potential for losing family and corporate work was
very high. Many of the people attending this event could very well have
been folks on Little Johnnys Cub Scout Blue and Gold Dinner committee
(the fetish industry extends far beyond the corporate world and is
widely enjoyed by people youd never expect to see wearing a strap-on).
That being said, while I was not discriminating against the
party-goers, I was confident that THEY would discriminate against me if
they encountered me in their daily lives. Come on, would YOU hire the
man who was balancing a 2 foot long cock on his head to entertain at
your church?

You want me to juggle WHAT?

most people dont know is that entertainers may do many more things than
what was seen at the time you watched their act. Most people who have
seen me perform at two different events and recognized me have always
said, I didnt know you did that! They only remembered me from my last
performance. I wanted to avoid a REALLY awkward meeting at a future
event where the client and I knew exactly why we looked so familiar to
each other, but just couldnt say why. Or worse, what if I had an
audition a week later for Disneyland and the talent scout was Mistress
Jasmine from the party sans latex skirt, stiletto heels and leash, and
I lost the gig because she cant get the image of me doing my
paddle-ball trick out of her head? More importantly, I wasnt going to
be the guy who heard, Youre not going to do the...uh'sword' swallowing
act at Bobbys fourth birthday party are you?

Surprisingly, the
client was outraged with my special contract rider provisions and
thought I was being superior and judgmental. She went on to give me a
long dissertation about the fetish industry and its clients. Angrily,
she told me about some of the worlds most powerful people she had on
her customer list, an action that I thought would surely reinforce my
need for anonymity and discretion. The discussion lead to a
dissertation about my prudish viewpoints.

Say HI to your mom, Mistress Jasmine.

client thought wearing a mask was outrageous because I should be proud
to work one of the most prestigious and expensive parties in the world.
She claimed my price (a very reasonable one considering that I was the
ONLY act whod agree to the gig) was an insult that wreaked of
extortion. The horse-whip that broke the submissives back was asking to
keep my name out of the press. She went on to explain that
photographers from Skin Magazine, the worlds most widely read fetish
publication would be there and the potential for free advertising was
incredible. My favorite part was where she said, I thought there was no
such thing as bad publicity! Apparently she was rather used to being
photographed with sex toys. Strangely, MY press kit was particularly
devoid of any such photos.

She clearly didnt see my point of
view and I gave her the number of a performance artist I knew who was
exceptionally gifted with her body and might be able to accommodate the
clients requests if not the two foot dildo as well. I never heard how
the party went nor did I find out whom they had hired. I am acquainted
with an area juggler who, when working comedy clubs, will go out into
the audience and beat hecklers over the head with a giant latex member.
He juggles, balances, and puts on a good show performing rubber-dick
tricks. I like to think that my absence from this particular job may
have helped launch a budding young career. If this is the case, Ive
never received a commission check! At the least I think I deserve a
coupon for the House of Whacks.

For more information about Andy
Martello, visit his website at Most assuredly,
you will not find any "special" press kit photos (He saves those for
his Christmas cards!).