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Why didnt I smoke the joints? I have no idea. I do wonder what I was missing then and what Ive been missing all these years. There must be something to all this drug hullabaloo. I say its high-time I find out.

Ive decided to form my own twelve-step program. Ill call it AL-A-NOT. Ill help people make the transition into the fuzzy-headed world of narcotics. A signed poster of Robert Downey Jr. will be on the wall. A circle of coherent, non-twitching people discussing Meg Ryan movies will fill the room.

The first step will be admitting that we dont have a problem. Someone will stand up and say his name. Well say HI in unison and when the subject admits his sobriety well start booing and throwing things at him, shunning the BRAIN CELL LOVER.

Well play a vintage copy of the Grateful Deads Working Class Dead and try to enjoy it without wondering when the songs will end. Eventually well be strung out and broke, watching bad movies based upon bad Hunter S. Thompson books. Well wonder why P.J. ORourke is suddenly a conservative, and laugh at Pauly Shore and Bobcat Goldthwait. The Wizard of Oz, Willy Wonka and H.R. Puffinstuff will take on new meanings and well be issued DVD copies of Trainspotting and Dazed & Confused. Well read Carl Hiasson, Gregory Macguire, and Lemony Snicket books KNOWING what the authors were on when they wrote them.

My God, it will be beautiful!

Look at all the pretty colors. Whoa! Dude, The Banana Splits are like, HUGE mutant animals and they all are late for the bus. Dontcha get it, man? Were the animals and the bus is like...LIFE and we want it to slow down so we can get on and Life wont pass us by. LOOK OUT! Its Injun Joe! Hide the stash!

Dude, if you, like want MORE info about Andy "The Spliffmaster" Martello go to his radical website, www.andymartello.com. There's, like, a TOTALLY cool plate spinning game in there and lots of info about "other things to smoke" in Andy Land. Whoa! I'm trippin'.