If you made a mistake in forming a relationship, admit it, learn from it, and consider the costs of leaving it. Leaving is often the best, and the most neglected, option.

All relationships are voluntary

It may not seem so, but every new day we continue in any relationship is the result of a decision we make to continue it. As soon as you decide you have no power to end a relationship, it's already dead.

Leaving has a price

The price of leaving a relationship can be financial and emotional. People bond in relationships for selfish reasons: protection, work, sharing resources, ideas, complimentary assets, legal decisions, power sharing, sexual gratification and so forth. Do you know why you are in whatever relationships you find yourself in? Are you still there for the reasons that led you into it, or have things changed since then? It's sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves, but it helps if we are.

One complicating factor that may occur is when two people enter into a rewarding relationship for very different reasons with very different goals. I see nothing wrong with this when it works, except that sometimes dreaming tells us that someone's motives and goals are the same as our own. Then, we're in trouble. As they say, read all the fine print before you sign up.

Staying always has rewards

Mostly, people approve of durable relationships and growl about people who move on leaving disappointed or angry partners behind. So, staying may pay off in terms of social acceptance, emotional or financial security, status, power or control, and more. Is the pay-off worth it? Maybe sometimes it's best to put up with some trouble in one area of life in order to gain something in some other area.

Leaving has rewards

Living a solitary life, even for a short time, can lead to the discovery of new personal freedom and can encourage the development of new emotional resources making you less dependent. If you can't bear living alone, it's not realistic to think that a new relationship can bury that problem. If you can't choose to live alone at times, you've given up important choices.  

Staying in always has a cost

Bad relationships cost us time, resources and energy. A chronically bad relationship can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Is the cost worth it? Whining about it doesn't help. A rational cost/benefit analysis can help.

Don't re-assign the burden of a bad relationship

An abused wife calls the cops every time, and nothing changes in the marriage. A new mother has a kid for the wrong reasons and then leaves the grandmother to baby-sit or even to take over full time, and nothing changes for the mother. Rather than get a divorce, a spouse puts up with infidelity, addiction or worse, and nothing changes. Someone due for a root canal hires a stand-in . . . no, that won't work, but it is the same kind of thinking.

Soap opera relationships

You know what these are, the kind we see in Italian or German operas, or on daytime television. Isn't it glorious to suffer through the joy and doubt of failed marriages? Isn't it dramatic to end up in suicidal behavior beating your chest and pulling your hair? Isn't it cute to spin out tales of undying loyalty in the face of certain disappointment? Don't you love it when someone undertakes some stupid romantic quest or holy mission in the face of all odds and criticism? You know the drill: do really dumb stuff, blame others, and enjoy life's tempests.

If I were a marriage and family counselor, I'd avoid soap opera lovers. Some people love to cement relationships for others; I love to cement departures when the time comes.

No special cases

When a relationship is hard to end, we know the personal price may be very high. The law requires a parent to provide for and protect a minor child, or does it? If you're really an unwilling, rotten parent, put the poor kid up for adoption or get yourself sent to jail. The state will take over and be a better parent.