TOPEKA, KS (Nov. 5, 2012) – All Ed Martin wants to do is go home and milk his cows.

A dairy farmer from the nearby town of Westmoreland, Ed has traveled to the Kansas capital to prepare for tomorrow's presidential election – the tightest race in memory.

"Back when I was young, it was simple. A fella was either a Red Man or a Blue Man," Martin pronounced with expected bitterness. "Nowadays, with this newfangled Scientificky . . . Scienceology . . . aw, hell! The geeks are ruining ever-thang!"

Of course, Martin refers to Scientology Party candidate Bill Gates, who – in a bizarre course of events – won the nomination in a national lottery held last year by the newly formed electorate. The profits from the lottery total over $43 billion, and are slated to fund the highly-dissented "Jail Schmail" Bill, which will discharge thousands of prisoners into work-release programs. (The prisoners' main source of employment will be as movie extras, mainly in crowd scenes.)

Gates will be pitted against Republican nominee Jeb Bush, the governor of Florida. Hoping to complete what has become popularly known as the "Triple-T," or Texas Tea Triumvirate, Bush is noted for his 2006 amendment to the Florida constitution that allows anyone's name that rhymes with "tush" to serve unlimited terms.

In what many consider a sympathy nomination, the Democrats offer up former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because of Pres. Hillary Clinton's Nazi Reparations Act of 2009, which gives anyone of Slavic descent unconditional political rights, Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy at the climax of his film Terminator 4, stating: "Watch out, American girly-men! I'll be back . . . ."

Of course, Pres. Clinton's assassination later that month at the hands of PMS-stricken women's rights activist Janet Reno made Schwarzenegger's pronouncement seem like small potatoes.

Farmer Ed Martin's perplexity isn't surprising. Adding to the election's usual hot-button issues is Congress' upcoming vote on the Soy Sauce Act. The bill opens a floodgate of legislation that allows for the advancement of soybean technology.

A fairly new source of Green power, the soybean's energy effect is a double-edged sword. While the plant provides a wealth of natural resources, its unfortunate by-product is an unbelievably noxious sulfur odor. In early tests, subjects became nauseated and had to be resuscitated with oxygen; the five subjects with newborn babies ran screaming from the test facility.

To add an air of credibility, tomorrow's election will be filmed in real-time by Michael Moore. The footage will make up the bulk of Moore's latest documentary, Hillary Happened.