8. Made a list of all persons we harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 8 calls for some serious writing, but for now that's all it calls for. In this step, however, we see again that bothersome word willing. What is it that gets in the way of being willing to make amends? It's probably emotions such as pride, arrogance, fear, shame, and denial of past misdeeds. These feelings make the task more difficult than it needs to be because many people have a hard time admitting to past mistakes. So, becoming willing can be a complicated adventure in self-control and self-understanding. I think it's a bit like stage fright; if you get up to speak in a group you may feel a touch of fear or even some panic. If you start with a simple sentence to tell your audience about your feelings, it suddenly becomes a lot easier. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust, and then get on with it.

You may have done very little harm to others, or you may have caused major damage to many people. You may have forgotten some of the people who suffered in one way or another from your pursuit of an addiction. In any case, this is probably not a list you can just sit down and write out in one evening. It all starts with a review of your life, at least from the time you first started an addiction. Over time you will begin to remember people, places and things and that will help you complete the list. You can even just ask others how they feel about your past behavior, but don't argue, defend or rationalize. Just listen to them to see if you have some amends to make in each case.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you will not be doing amends for those you have wronged and offended; you are doing it selfishly for you. When you make amends to those you have harmed in any way, you are practicing important elements of personality change including humility, willingness, compassion and simple kindness. These are characteristics that will promote abstinence and build a happier life. In this sense, then, the longer your list of harmed people the more chances you get to be a different, better person. Do it for you and you may help others. If you admit and pay for past mistakes often enough and it becomes easier with each effort.

On your list, do not neglect or leave out those who have moved away or died. Step Eight says all the persons you harmed, not just the ones who are still around nor the ones you happen to like. Well, how do you make amends to a dead person? It could be anything from placing a flower on a grave to writing a letter to the dead person's survivors. You will find a way. Many recovering addicts do write letters to the dead, and this helps.

At this point I am reminded to suggest that you not use a telephone to say, "I'm sorry." That's the easy way out. Make a personal visit whenever possible, or at least write a thoughtful note. A phone call can be intrusive and is at your convenience on your own selfish time. A note or letter lets the person read and re-read what you have to say on his or her own time. It can make a big difference in how your amends are received.

If money in involved in making amends, it may be impossible to repay it all, but you can make at least a symbolic offer. I recall a gambler who stole over $100,000 from his employer. He went before a judge when he finished his treatment and the judge ordered him to repay the whole amount giving him five years to do that. Jail was the alternative. As far as I ever heard, the gambler was working, abstaining and making his payments.

Here's another important thing to keep in mind: be prepared for hostility. Hopefully, repaying money, saying "I'm sorry" and offering friendship will be accepted gracefully, but you may not always get a positive response. One fellow told me he took a check to a lady to whom he'd owed money to for years. Her anger was such that she ripped up his check and spat at him.

Fortunately, he didn't argue or try to convince her he was sincere. He just said again that he was sorry, and he left. He knew that she had every right to her anger and worried only that the anger he had created would torment her for a long time. He did not feel his making of amends had failed. Far from it, he realized he had learned a lesson in human nature. They don't have to like or accept your amends. They don't even owe you any gratitude.

There are a number of the kinds of harm an addict might cause over time including physical, financial, emotional, intellectual and simple neglect. I can provide a few suggestions, examples I saw in practice as a therapist, but you should review each of these possibilities for all the important people in your life, past and present. Each case is different.

Physical: Bar fights, child abuse, spousal abuse, unprotected sex, needle sharing, torture, etc.
 

Financial: Selling the property of others, failure to repay debts, escaping debt through bankruptcy, check forgery, stealing money, robbery, arson, etc.

Emotional: Playing a blame game, withholding attention and love, threats of violence or abandonment, demeaning others to put them on the defensive, pity-seeking, etc.

Intellectual: Withholding important information, using information in an abusive way, pretending to know more than others, keeping others in the dark or away from education, using information to trap others, spying on others, etc.

Neglect: Avoiding family responsibility, abandoning spouse and children, ignoring people until you need their help, allowing indigent parents to fend for themselves, etc.

If you committed illegal acts that harmed others, as most such acts do, you must be very careful about your amends. If the behavior has been dealt with legally, you may need to make some amends to the offended party or parties. It can be expensive, but the help of an attorney may be necessary. Never impulsively admit to any past crime that has gone undetected. Let your attorney be you guide, but don't let legal problems get you off the hook. In the worst case, amends can be made anonymously.

Many addicts learn to shut themselves off from their own feelings and become so detached that the harm they are doing just doesn't register. Hurting others becomes an accepted way of life in the service of an addiction. Making real amends can reverse this emotional isolation and allow you to again experience genuine and appropriate emotions. Eventually, making amends for past errors does come to an end, and you will feel good about yourself and move on.

· Make a short list of ways in which making any of your amends might harm someone.

· Are there others that you might harm in trying to make amends to certain individuals?

· If you have any unresolved legal problems, what are your plans for resolving them?

#