You do not look good in those long shorts.

Yes, you.

You do not look good in those long shorts.

I know it’s summer. I know it’s hot. The druids celebrated the solstice with dances and ceremonies. We go shopping. It’s time to pick up the latest trend.

Our winter bodies come out from hiding behind forgiving dark colors and loose cuts and sweaters and we are now on display. Our pasty skin must face the music. Our sweaters become t-shirts. Our pants become shorts and short skirts. And those clothes, we are told by magazines, must be in style.

This year’s trend is knee-length shorts.

But you shouldn’t be wearing them.

At all.

You do not look good in those long shorts.

Take a look at yourself.

You’ve just paid $40 for shorts that fall just above the knee, bringing attention to the dimples, spider veins and stretch marks you’ve accumulated there. But scan just to the north a bit. Up a little higher. Yep, that’s it, the thigh bulge. You’ve got the fattest part of your thigh encased in stripes, or prints or a light colored solid fabric. It doesn’t look good.

Let’s take our tour of shame up a little higher…. to the low waist. Your underwear does not stay inside the shorts. It doesn’t matter how cute your underwear is. The band can be lined with daisies and hearts and flowers and cute monkeys or funny sayings like “Boys Like Me”, it doesn’t matter. Your underwear still belongs inside your pants. Don’t look to your shirt to cover this offense. T-shirts are not worn that low anymore. Face it, your waist band will be seen. Your underwear will stick out above it. You will officially look bad.

All over the world, fashion forward women are picking out their outfits for the day. We want to look good. We want to look modern, and up-to-date without looking trendy. When it’s hot, we want to wear shorts and last year’s shorts just won’t do. Why? We already have them. There’s just no money in them. So, since last year the trend was very, very short shorts. This year, the trend is very, very long shorts. It’s ingenious, really. Last year’s Daisy Dukes cannot be modified in anyway to fit in with what all of the fashion magazines tell us we should be wearing. If we do go out in last year’s shorts, rest assured: People will be looking. You looked bad in those shorts too and now, you’re wearing un-flattering shorts that no one else is wearing and it’s conspicuous.

It’s an interesting bind we find ourselves in. How do we confront our friends about unflattering fashion mistakes? We all tell our friends we expect brutal honesty when it comes to anything that looks bad. And yet, do we really want our friends to be honest? The answer is, of course, no. We want our friends to tell us we look good in everything.

Fear not. There is a solution.

Stick with the classics.

The classics are always in style. They always look good on you. They’re available at most stores and, even better, they can be worn from year to year without shame.