Here is a typical reaction that you get when someone finds out that you travel regularly for business. Wow, that must be exciting! Oh yes, the glamour of it all. I mean, that is, if losing 4-5 hours of your week not including the airtime is appealing to you!

Business travel is such a pain now. There are some modern “conveniences”, like to be able print your boarding pass in advance off the Web. It’s kind of like getting a ticket in advance to your own surgical procedure.

You stressfully drive through traffic so that you can get into the first of multiple lines at the airport. The lines at airports make college registration from years gone by seem like a breeze! Line number one is to check your bags. Those of us experienced business travelers avoid checking bags at all costs! The work around is to pack less, over-pack a roller carry-on and to elevate mix and matching outfits to an evolving art form.

You are in your first line…. checking bags under the presumption that you are either bringing golf clubs, skis or traveling for more three days. First, we pros go to curbside check-in. (only rookies stand in the ridiculous circuitous lines inside) You have to park and put your emergency flasher on. The flasher is universally recognized by the airport police as a signal that says though it looks like my car is parked, in fact it is not! By invoking the flasher you are officially designating your vehicle to be waiting, not parked. The flasher evokes the message to the parking police that I understand and appreciate your security responsibility, and I am a well-intentioned law-abiding U.S. citizen just trying to check my bags…so I can get in my next required line sooner. Ok, now your bags are checked with the cautious optimism that you will be reunited with them at your destination.

Your next line is into the parking garage or even more fun - the remote parking. By the way, just for clarification the parking garage is for company paid/business travel and all remoteless expensive parking is reserved for personal travel. You find a parking space and write down your location in the garage the size of the Mall of America. We have all forgotten where we parked at least once…. no issue with the Pros…simply walk around pressing your panic button on your remote and follow the alarm like some kind of audible bloodhound.

A travel tale would not be complete without addressing the to the joy of the security line. In the post-911 era that we live…. this is the biggest change. I find it somewhat ironic that more often than not I have a security person who can barely speak English checking MY ID and PAPERS.. I mean boarding pass. Sorry I had a Hogan Heroes moment. This is the one place other than the plane that we 'travel pros' have no choice but to mix with the rookies. Patience is a premium…they don’t know what they don’t know…Oh, do I need my shoes off? My belt? My keys? I find it is best to take a little mental vacation at this point. If I paid attention to all the stupid stuff that the rookies do in the security line…I may be tempted to just lay them down on the x-ray conveyor belt and tell them their doctor will see them on the other side!

Security behind us….we proceed to the gate. I now have to endure another instance to lose more faith, if possible, in the human race, that being the moving sidewalk. Race? If you saw the people on this thing…. they are clearly not in a race! Elderly folks and handicapped people aside, when exactly did we get so fatigued and lacking of purpose that we transformed into a grocery item? Rookies walking briskly along until they get to the moving sidewalk and then as if they go into a George Jensen trance they stop, stand and set their bag down! A few poor souls have to be additionally nudged to stand to the right. For the Clueholders among us, I recommend a daydreaming stroll down the middle of the hallway between the vegetable aisles!

The security to gate journey these days requires a reasonable amount of agility. In days gone by, walking through a crowded terminal required some good lateral evasive maneuvering to avoid bumping into oncoming travelers. I have found that navigating through a crowd is lot like driving; initiative and commitment is paramount. This is where the newest airport obstacle comes in…the carry-on bag. Lets face it; they should be called a roll-on bag. Now that these bags have wheels and an extendable handle, they are never carried and always pulled. Now just avoiding bumping into an approaching traveler is only the half of it, you now have to also have the nimbleness of a hurdler to miss the traveler’s tailfin, the roll-on!