I
have rules when it comes to my writing: strict rules. Yes, I pretend to
be quite disciplined and, for the most part, try to keep romance out of
my disgruntled ramblings. However, I do want to add a twist of Cupid to
this particular column because I have a slight feeling that it might
benefit mankind. Maybe it will unite romantics worldwide. Maybe it will
inspire those who have lost that loving feeling. And maybe, just maybe,
you loyal readers will dig into your music archives and discover a
track that you had completely forgotten even existed.
Regardless
of what the effects of reading this might be, people need to consider
the power and potential that lies within a song. Back in the day when
your music, cologne, shoes, and significant other wanna-be were
determined by whatever powerful forces control these Jr. High tastes,
it probably crossed your mind that it would be totally sweet if you
dedicated a highly overplayed, commercialized, mainstream song to that
“someone” who you thought you were in love with. This may or may not
have worked. Well, after a while, your music taste (possibly) evolved
and you began recording some pimp-ass mix-tapes. Although this process
was time consuming and quite stressful (it’s always tough to pick the
perfect mix), you should have gotten the results you were looking for
(well, unless you were being ridiculously over-ambitious and
unrealistically optimistic).
Mix
tapes probably turned into flowers, which then evolve into jewelry. All
the while, you are growing and graduating from whatever it is that
people graduate from. However, it is getting much more difficult to be
Rico Suave. Flowers die, clothes go out of style, and CD burning
becomes much too easy to be accepted as a genuine form of pimping. Then
it happens: you realize that you have run out of shit to buy. But
before you begin worrying that you might have to develop a personality,
relax; I have a plan for you. Let’s start at the very beginning,
apparently, it’s a very good place to start: song-dedications.
Right
now, you may be totally unaware that a late-night dedication is the
only thing that is saving you from getting your ass kicked to the curb.
But you can’t just pick any pathetic slow song, you have to pick the
perfect pathetic slow song. And honestly, what could be better than a
slow song that is titled by (but not necessarily about) the first name
of your potentially ex-significant other? There is a plethora of songs
waiting to be found, and chances are, if you do your research, you’ll
strike gold and discover that relationship-saving track.
Now,
before you start rambling off every song that comes into your mind that
you think has a female's name in the title, let me first explain that
not every girl-name song will save your sorry ass. Lyrically, the track
must be sincere and have the potential to be sentimental or apologetic.
And let’s not forget the power of obscurity; if your significant other
has never heard of the song you have discovered, the better the odds
are that she will buy this 60-yard “Hail Mary” of final-hour last-ditch
efforts.
Now,
for those of you keeping score at home who don’t need to use this
pathetic scheme to save a romance, let’s think of some of the top
girl-name songs ever to hit the airwaves. However, for the sake of
objectivity, we must establish a rule. First of all, the name in the
title cannot be the name of a girl that I (or in your case, if you are
playing along, you) have either liked or dated at some point in my (or
for you, your) life. So for me, this automatically excludes both
"Carrie" by Europe and "Carrie Anne" by the Hollies because I have
liked two girls named Carrie, who coincidentally, also shared the same
middle name of Anne. This situation is unfortunate not only because I
have failed to date both of these lovely ladies, but also because I
like both songs, and they would definitely strengthen my list. Another
unfortunate exclusion is “Valerie” by Steve Winwood, due to a three
year phase in which I liked and failed to date (or even make out with)
a girl named…yeah.
