Smell like Jlo, smell like Paris, smell like a two-bit whore

In the race to see which celebrity can cash in the fastest, department and specialty stores are bombarded with the newest celebrity craze—original scents created directly by the rich and famous themselves, how unique.

Hell, if one cannot be friends with Paris Hilton or at least distant acquaintances at least now everyone can smell like her. This, in my opinion, wouldn’t be a bad idea if you were living in a French brothel serving the masses.

From Miss Britney Spears to model turned anorexic Kate Moss, more than a dozen celebrities are endorsing signature scents to appeal to their fan base and reaping the monetary benefits. Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if Madonna would simply reel everyone back into the practices of Kabbalah, or was that just a phase too—Britney, Demi anyone?

One simple scent would suffice—no combo deals of sugar and spice—just a basic perfume for the basic person. Remember how great CK BE smelled, it should be that simple. Where’s Calvin Klein when you need him? Unfortunately, simplicity to a celebrity is as far off as snow in Los Angeles—it just doesn’t work.

The celebrity perfume trend is in full force this year with no signs of slowing down. Yes, this is obvious because now even David and Victoria Beckham are launching a line of his and her perfumes. Mr. European soccer and Miss. Posh Spice herself even took heed of this growing phenomenon. I’m sure the scent would only work if one was equally as beautiful as the couple combined.

To those in the race to endorse more smells than Elizabeth Taylor, quantity doesn’t have to worry about quality. Brit Brit now has two perfumes out Curious and Fantasy—though Jlo still has her beat with four fragrances.

Curious “peeks the curiosity of young women” rumor has it jasmine blended with Louisiana magnolia can do that to a girl so beware. Fantasy is “a playful tease with a delicious trail of temptation.” Remember the taste of bubbleyum’s cotton candy gum? It’s the exact same thing, but magically transformed into scent, yummy!

As if having a child isn’t time consuming enough, Britney had to return back to her triple threat status and release Fantasy. Just in enough time so baby Federline and Kevin will have enough money banked in the savings account to get a halfway decent education. What a great mother.

It might even be a little humorous if these perfume wars actually started becoming real wars. I can only imagine Jlo, Britney and Sarah Jessica Parker spraying at each other angrily—“You took my idea, no you took mine.” How great would life be? Eventually all of them would end up sick and in some expensive hospital in the Hollywood Hills resorting back to Kabbalah. Ah simple Kabbalah.

Personally if I had to choose, I would dive in for the all American slice of apple pie and spritz myself on a regular basis with Donald Trump’s fragrance, which has been described as spicy, but peppery. At least this way, I’d have the confidence of the Don and the odor of a tamale. Life, it can’t get any better.