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Columnist Ann Landers once did an informal survey of her readers back in the 1970's. The single question she asked of them was: "If you had it to do over again, would you still have children?" A surprising 70% said "no."

Although the survey was hardly scientific – she didn’t claim that it was – it was still a strong indication that more couples regret being parents than some of us like to believe. Which is probably why so many pro-family religious groups still make a point to discredit not only informal surveys like Landers’, but all articles, essays and books that could put some very "dangerous" ideas into the minds of their members. Namely, that parenthood isn’t the rosy picture of bliss they purposely make it out to be. After all, if the real truth about parenthood – the fact that it can involve long nights with no sleep, endless diaper changes, and a total loss of freedom for married couples – became widely known, there would be an even greater shrinkage in the birth rates of the faithful than they are seeing right now.

In her excellent book I’m Okay, You’re A Brat, author and psychologist Susan Jeffers counters the myths of parenthood propagated by the pro-family advocates with large doses of brutal honesty. In some of her interviews with mothers and fathers alike, these parents revealed some less-than-blissful thoughts about parenting; chiefly, that if they had known the long hours that it involved, particularly during the infant, toddler and terrible-two’s stages, they would not have ventured onto the parenting path. Some of the notable, and very telling, quotes about parenting in Jeffers’ book include the following: "I can’t believe I traded in my old life for this. I voluntarily traded heaven for misery." While this may sound shocking coming from a mother, she is not alone. Other quotes from parents experiencing difficulty with the transition from childlessness to parenthood follow very similar lines.

Another fact that religious groups are not too eager to admit is the fact that deep regret about parenthood has led to cases of child neglect, abuse, and even homicide by parents who claim to have "just snapped" with the stresses of baby or child care. However, the never-answered question remains, did that parent actually "snap," or was it just possible that the negligent, abusive or murderous mom or dad never wanted a child in the first place, and was pressured by family or religious community not to abort or have the child adopted. We all know of the tragedy in the Yates family that occurred in 2001; a mother, overwhelmed with the responsibility of five young children, took all of their lives by drowning them. The case of Susan Smith, who left her two young boys to drown in a submerged car also got national headlines, as did countless other child abuse and homicide cases. Both women came from strong religious backgrounds. Is that just another coincidence?

The number of pregnant women killed by their own husbands over the last twenty years, including Laci Peterson who was eight months pregnant at the time of her death, Lori Hacking, who was in the beginning stages of pregnancy, and Carol Stewart, who was murdered by her husband Charles in the late 1980's, presents a grim picture that more men might prefer to be child-free rather than dads. In the case of these murderous husbands, however, one has to wonder whether the event of pregnancy motivated the action to kill their wives, or would they have eventually done so anyway, whether they were pregnant or not. That is another question that is unlikely ever to be answered.