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I’d like to offer a bit of an explanation for some of the inconsistencies that North Americans may feel the British suffer from in their general conversation and demeanor.
Being born a Brit, although now a nauseatingly proud Canadian, I feel I can speak for some of the Brits, although I don’t profess to speak for all of them. In my experience the Brits are viewed as being fairly direct, quite abrasive at times, and cutting in their language and humor. However, one area this does not extend to is in the use of the correct anatomical terms for our genitals, or as I like to call mine, my ‘undercarriage’.
I have British friends that will say things that make most nationalities stop in their tracks. Although other nationalities may think these things, most people won't express them. But start talking about anything to do with our ‘doing bits’ (a term that I actually used with my gynecologist once) and the Brits will pull out all sorts of abstract terms.
My North American friends laugh because I’ll refer to my ‘underlings’ with amazing vagueness. They (or technically ‘it’) can also be referred to as the aforementioned undercarriage, doing bits, or as many British females refer to it up to the age of puberty ‘front bottom’. There tend to be far less names for this ‘area’ than there are for the corresponding area on a male’s body.
I, in fact, am amazingly ignorant of the geography also of my nether regions. I do not know, nor wish to know, in which order any of the orifices lie. All I know is that some are for innies and some are for outies and as long as stuff functions like that I’m happy. It also wasn’t until my friends were discussing about 2 years ago the labia majora and minora that I had ever even heard of these. I thought the first was a small island off of the coast of Spain that Brits like to frequent and the second a candlestick.
Now I have come far since moving to Canada and can, on occasion refer to the man’s genital outy bit as his penis but I have found no occasion and I repeat NO OCCASION where it is necessary to use the correct anatomical term for my privates. Sorry, nope, just can’t do it and it gives me the willies thinking about it.
So if there are any of you out there who are unfamiliar with some of the Brit terms for a gent’s joy stick, here are a few you could spice up your vocab with. Probably the first a man uses and it works well on every occasion is ‘willy’. Todger is a favorite of mine, can’t say I like ‘pee-pee’ much as that seems a bit infantile (coming from a woman who can’t use the ‘V’ word). I’m sure you’re all familiar with knob, cock, prick and dick although I prefer to use these when referring to the pillock who bears the instrument.
At this point I feel I ought to throw out there a valuable piece of information which seems to have caused embarrassment to some when crossing the Atlantic. While ‘wanker’ seems to be an acceptable term in North America for someone who is a bit of an idiot, this is not a term that you can use in front of your granny in the UK. We do use it to express our disdain at an individual but it refers to their habit of ‘tossing the caber’ or ‘twirling their baton’ ALONE. So if you are from North America and visiting your homies from across the water, you may want to use the word ‘pillock’, ‘berk’, ‘muppet’ or ‘numpty’ if having tea with family.
At about this point you’re probably amazed that the Brits manage to breed (well me at least), and this probably has something to do with what I thought the ‘rhythm method’ was…… but that’s another tale for another day.
 TAGS: Opinion humor british america funny BOOKMARK: Digg it | Add to Del.ICIO | Add to FARK ACTIONS: Comment Save Print Register free acount  
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Nat says on 2005-03-04 05:42:07 about Brilliant stuff
First let me say what brilliant and hilarious article which reminds me of many British friends and makes me proud of my English roots as well ………even if they are a hundred years old or so.
Secondly – Mongor & AnaMarie: I finally have proof of what I have long suspected – there exists a small secret society bent on undermining one of the most endearing traits of the British, their humour. My nickname for this society is BWH (Brits Without Humour), however, you may want to enlighten us with the official name if I haven’t already hit upon it. I have information, although tenuous, that this society is linked to another secret order known as BWHNTAM (Brits Who Have Not Travelled Abroad Much). I also suspect you may belong to LBOBE (Lets Be Offended By Everything) the scourge of modern society, taking the fun out of living. Now to each of you in turn:
Mongor: My English routes are in my GPS, shows impressive travelling throughout the UK and the world, nothing to be proud of really as the computer does all the work : )
I expect that you are confusing the term Brit with the term Pom (equivalent of Yank). In my experience (5 years of living in countries with large British Expatriate Communities) Brit is a term proudly used, Pom is never uttered. Just as I am proud of being called an Aussie, but abhor being called a Convict. To be honest I can not fathom how you can be offended by being referred to as a Brit – it is the first four letters of the word British, something I assume you are proud of? I also beg to differ that the writer is being prudish or immature. Using highly comical & inventive names for anatomical parts does not make one so. Even though I can say vagina and penis, who would want to? They are clinical and do no flow off the tongue like dong bits and willy. It also beats what I use to call them in Oz before living in the UK, c**t and dick are coarse and not very pretty. Just like saying ‘shagging’ instead of ‘rooting’ but then perhaps I should be saying having intercourse – sounds too much like a visit to the doctor if you ask me. You state that you are a fan of slang yet refer to Juli’s use of such as childish and immature. It seems you are straddling the fence, you shouldn’t stay that way for too long it might have lasting effects on your nuts.
AnaMarie: How can you say naivety is offensive – I suggest you look the word up to see what it means, perhaps you should have used the word sad instead (see for correct usage). Also, who uses the words/terms: lame, wow, darling, oh my and silly? I mean really, where do you get off going on about someone else’s use of interesting names for genital areas when you obviously speak like you live in an Ab Fab episode. Five years or so ago you could have been forgiven for it, now it’s just plain sad. Your attack on Suzanne was just foolish. You seem to be looking for offence where there is none. I do not understand how you can refer to her as racist – perhaps you see invisible words on your computer screen…….I’d be a bit worried about that – if the voices keep talking to you, don’t listen. I’d like to add that if you were from such a well bread family you’d be a bit stale by now – boom boom (as Basil Brush is so fond of saying – wouldn’t want you to misconstrue my meaning and think the reference was to a terrorist threat or anything)
Juli: Would love to know when we can expect another article from you? Can’t wait to strain those face and belly muscles from all that laughter, I need the exercise so don’t make us wait that long.
Keep up the good work : )
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Mongor says on 2005-03-03 21:06:30 about
I'm shocked and mildly impressed that you were able to use such a word in your last sentence Juli. I'm almost embarrassed for you. It did seem like a forced effort but I appreciate it.
As far as your opinion of not continuing to read something you feel you have a contrary opinion too I have this to say. I find value in hearing what people have to say and wouldn’t be so narrow minded as to stop reading. I won’t, however, pursue this thought as it isn’t relevant to my point.
Addressing Suzanne I would have you know that I am male and (as I previously said) am English, being born here and having lived here all my life. To me, someone who is in every way British I tell you that I find being referred to as a “Brit” derogatory. As you and Juli seem so eager to point out, this is of course my opinion, I don’t pretend to speak for everyone… only those British people I call my friends. Ok point made what was next? Ah yes.
Juli, as for the comment made about your apparent racism I would have to agree. To say that the British are capable of making comments that would “Make most nationalises stop in their tracks” was a very sweeping statement. If that isn’t a hugely ignorant generalisation then I don’t know what is. I guess I’m particularly sheltered having never heard a North American refer to their genitals with anything but polite words. It must then mean that it’s just us Brits, who are so foul mouthed, probably the bad dentistry.
This was never a personal attack, you wrote an article and I had something to say, if it bothers you “have the sense to stop reading it”. I feel obliged now to inform you that although you may not live in the UK now it shocks and surprises me that anyone who ever has thinks that “knickers” is slang for genitals when it is in fact female underwear or “panties”. Knickers are plural though so if you care for the meaning of “knicker” it would be one pound sterling. I hope that helps.
At this time I have nothing more to add but I’ll be happy to address any problems you have with this post of mine in due time.
Suzanne, you inspired me to take a moment and check my spelling. I hope you approve. Perhaps you’ll take on board what I have said a little better now that you don’t have to worry about my spelling.
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Juli says on 2005-03-03 19:48:14 about Oooo er missus
Wow ladies, I just thought I'd check on the comments and am completely surprised at the contents of them.
Of course I understood that there would be people who didn't agree with me which is why I said I didn't profess to speak for all of them. I also understand that not everyone would enjoy what I'd written.
I have a few points to make. Firstly if I didn't enjoy a piece that someone had written I would probably make my points in a succinct manner outlining the areas I disagreed with, if I felt the need to comment at all. Personally if something I'm reading bothers me so much I have the sense to stop reading it, always an option although obviously not a popular one.
Secondly if I did feel the need to comment, I would not make it a personal attack as I'm not sure what sort of person would do that. The piece I wrote was a light hearted, tongue in cheek commentary. I did not think it would be taken verbatum or used as an accurate representation of how the 'Brits' deal with any issue, god forbid we are now perceived as being uptight or prudish, that just wouldn't do! What next, the world might think we have bad dental work, unhealthy cuisine, or spend all of our spare time in the pub. My point is, if you didn't like it please feel free to comment but I'm not sure why you would feel it is your place to call another person lame (that's just plain ignorance and who but a prepubescaet youth uses the word 'lame'?) I'm also totally dumfounded about the label of racist.... not sure about that one. Perhaps I should be calling the British people, 'people of Viking, Anglo Saxon, Celtic, Roman, immigrant
descent'.
For goodness sake, don't make it personal, that is small minded and quite frankly nasty, agree to find it not your cup of tea and move on.
Of note, I am quite capable of using the correct anatomical terms but have found in my quite extensive experience in North America, that when I meet North Americans they comment on the variety of slang terms used by their British friends for their genitals and they always, always mention our use of the work 'knickers' (hope this one fits into your criteria of suitable vocab). I therefore thought it would be amusing to expand on this by producing something that would make people chuckle, it was not meant as a political/feminist/vegan/alien abduction diatribe and quite frankly if I was person with such strong views as yourself, I would put my considerable talents to positive use by campaigning on behalf of a cause that really deserves it instead of wasting my valuable skills on spewing out drivel on a piece on an online magazine.
Also I would make the blindingly obvious suggestion that you make a point of not reading anything I write again, which I'm sure you'll feel obliged to add some venomous comment about redundantly reiterating the point I have already made. I'd hate for anyone to get their clitoris in a knot over this or any other articles I might write..... |
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