Mr. Monkey's Magical Horoscope

Hello there and welcome! My name is Mr. Monkey and The Cheers has asked me to write a weekly horoscope column.

Between you and me, Ive got no idea what Im doing, but as the saying goes you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. And here I am!

Anyway, you can see from my picture that I'm trying my best. It was taken by the lovely Mrs. Monkey while I was concentrating hard on this week's forecast.

 

 

 

 

 

ARIES (21 March 20 April)

It is important to be patient this week. If someone angers you, dont lash out straight away. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. If youre still angry, go for the eyes.

 

TAURUS (21 April 21 May)

Dont push yourself too hard at work. You wont get promote unless someone else dies.Sit back and let nature take its course.

 

GEMINI (22 May 21 June)

If you have made a mistake of some kind, stay calm. If its dealt with in the correct manner, then nobody will be able to trace the body back to you.

 

CANCER (22 June 23 July)

The moon's eclipse of Venus will bring you good fortune. But you still wont win the lottery.

 

LEO (24 July 23 August) 

You wont win either. Its just another form of tax anyway.

 

VIRGO (24 August 23 Septemer)

Give yourself three wishes today. If none of them comes true, then try not to be too surprised.

 

LIBRA (24 September 23 October)

Mars is aligned with Venus this week. This will not affect your day-to-day life in any noticeable way.

 

SCORPIO (24 October 22 November)

The position of Jupiter will see you receive lots of spam e-mail, offering cut-price generic Viagra. Dont buy it.

 

SAGITTARIUS (23 November 21 December)

You will write a fairly inaccurate oroscope column for an on-line publication. (This must be mine.)

 

CAPRICORN (22 December 20 January)

I cant be too specific because we mustnt pollute the time line (see Back To The Future Part II for details), but just dont go bungee jumping this weekend. It will end badly.

 

AQUARIUS (21 Janary 19 February)

Good news! With practice, you will learn to juggle.

 

PISCES (20 Febrary 20 March)

The sun in Aquarius means that someone has a crush on you. Youll be disappointed when you find out who it is, though.

 

 

Thats all folks. Till next week, keep looking at the stars

 

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Monkey is a (very) amateur astrologist/horoscopist and cannot be held responsible for actions you take based on his advice. (All you Capricorns should still avoid bungee jumping, though)

Politics Factzone: The truth about Kim Jong Il Kim Jong Il, the leader of the free world, has decided to move on to more fertile grounds, leaving with us just the memories of 8-color rainbows, singing Korean women and couple of nuclear weapons. But who was this man whose next ambition would have been to get the next Nobel Peace prize? Here are just a few facts you should know about. more Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Related to John F. Kennedy's Assassination 26.Aug 2011 Since just after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theories abou...read ISRAEL KEEPING GHADDAFI AFLOAT 10.Mar 2011 ...read Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ! 10.Mar 2011 Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and m...read Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!) 28.Feb 2011 Rebellion is cooking in the air. People are mad as hell, and not going to take...read THE ASSANGE CASE. CIA INTERFERED WITH SWEDISH LEGAL PROCESSES EXTREME RIGHT POLITICS A DANGER TO EUROPEAN UNITY THE AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY. OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF FOCUS, OUT OF CREDIBILITY AND HOPEFULLY, OUT OF THE DOOR Opinion World governments charged with criminal negligence (in response to Megaupload case) EARTH (thecheers.org) - Federal authorities of the universe have charged the governments of all the countries in the world as well as the operators actually in power in these countries with operating a criminal enterprise, the Galaxy warriors announced Today. more The Great OSCARS 2011 – or so it would seem 5.Mar 2011 So, how exciting......a morning off, the Academy Awards. I wish I could say the...read Top 7 Expensive Bordellos. Prostitution: Shakedown, Tier Down, and Priced Out 31.Jan 2011 According to a report of the Washington DC-based US Department of State, The Ph...read The Great Secret and Reason for the JFK Assassination 11.Oct 2010 The great question is why the great secret? On June 4 1963, President Kennedy s...read Don't Do it! The 3 Worst Times to Get Tattoos 4.Oct 2010 As a general rule, tattoos gotten after 2 am are a bad idea. But in a bigger pi...read

Travel Travel Warning 13 September 2010 - DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN 13.Sep 2010 TRAVELWISE has been watching the situation in Iran for some months in relation ...read more TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL. 5.Jun 2010 Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES 16.Apr 2010 Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA. 5.Apr 2010 Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read TRAVELWISE 2 APRIL 2010. QANTAS. 2.Apr 2010 Some concerns have been raised in relation to some of the maintenance practices...read Sport No Payoff From the Playoffs $16.50 will Get Anyone in the Hall Mr McGwire Stupid Athlete Tricks Technology Think Big! Think the World's Largest International Trade Show Top 9 cool laptop accessories for laptop geeks Twittering: I'm not that interesting Cheers Jesus' Answering Machine Brown Couch or twelve midgets in the town square How To Be Happy Drugged Out Saturday Nights Muslim Decapitation: Bad, or Simply Misunderstood?