Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy

The Japanese are a strange, strange people. Check out what they watch on TV.

Flowers on the Razorwire: Episode One, Chance Meeting

DVD

*1/2

Directed by

Hart D. Fisher

Written by

Joseph M. Monks

Hart D. Fisher

Cast

Wanda Curtis

Joseph M. Monks

Mitsuho Ohtani

Evil Lopez

Fred D'Amico

Joey D'Amico

Frank DiModica Jr

Hart D. Fisher

Loki

Johnathan Gabriel

unrated

30 mins and a whole bunch of extras

I have to hand it to Joe Monks of Chanting Monks Press. If you're looking for an all new standard of disturbing, you need look no farther than the first five minutes of Flowers on the Razorwire.

The first five minutes of the film makes the entire Hellraiser series look like a Ken Burns documentary.

Produced as the pilot episode for a Japanese horror series, and NOT as the lead-in to a larger feature as I had previously thought, the film involves a lonely fellow who gets a little sadomasochistic action and finds it goes a lot farther than he'd care for it to go. Lying on a table, bound at wrists and ankles and with about thirty giant needles embedded in his stomach, the overzealous mistress he'd hired gives our boy his marching orders: tell her a scary story or she'll find out just how far she can go before he stops making noise.

So probably scared out of his mind and hurting like a son of a bitch from having a series of giant needles embedded in his stomach, our boy improvises a scary tale. A young Japanese girl is doing her laundry in an apartment building when, getting on the elevator, she slights a blind man by closing the elevator doors on her in a bit of a panic. This is, of course, when all hell breaks loose. She gets stuck on the elevator with the building's boiler maintenance man who carries on about the methodology of the town's newest serial killer--a verbal exchange which becomes menacing to our slight, unassuming little Japanese girl. This leads up to a twist that's surprising, assuming you haven't seen very many horror movies. Noobs will be amazed...veterans will give an audible shrug.

But this is where the amazing part starts...

It's over!

That's right, folks...you just watched a half-hour video. For all we know, our boy in the beginning is STILL tied to that table, and the mistress is keeping him alive through a series of transfusions with blood donated by local rodents. He could be hosting a kiddie show in Vancouver with her for all we know, because the show's OVER! It's DONE!

Like me, you're probably staring at the credit roll and saying in one loud, unified voice, "Huh?"

I just sat through a half hour of sadomasochism and endless conversations about the intricate mechanics of forcibly removing a human nipple, and I don't even know what happened to the poor dumb schmuck with the needles in his stomach. Where is the ending?

Disappointed? Sure am. But even through the dark haze of my half-hour disappointment, dammit, I CAN'T completely pan Flowers on the Razorwire. I just CAN'T. You know why? Because Joe Monks has gone all freaking out to make sure the DVD extras are a real surprise. Let's go over them. Okay, there are no subtitles, or audio options, but we DO get a music video of one of the movie's songs, a blooper reel which is surprisingly funny, and a behind-the-scenes featurette. We also get a downright chilling trailer for the movie Garbage Man that features more love letters than You've Got Mail.

There's also something called the "HDF Director's Reel" which is apparently a series of trailers. Like trailers for the movie Garbage Man that give us a little more insight into what it's about. It features many, many killings and Zach De La Rocha screaming about bullets for several seconds. Oh, wait...that's a 'Rage-Against-the-Machine' song. We also get footage of guys beating each other senseless with sticks. This makes Backyard Wrestling look like a sensible pastime.

Plus, in a move that will make me sing the brilliance of Monks for years to come, Flowers on the Razorwire includes a comic book in the DVD package. A black-and-white multiple story comic book featuring a story that basically takes Watership Down and injects it with bunnies that make Bun-Bun look socially responsible. The second story is about as vile as they come, but the idea of a comic book is still profoundly original.

So, God help me, I finally can't decide just what to make of Flowers on the Razorwire. While the main story is disturbing and ultimately disappointing, the extras are so varied, numerous, and utterly original that I can't help but come away satisfied. It's like I bought a lemon on the used car lot, but the dealer gave me a free balloon, hot dog, can of soda, air freshener, large pizza, key chain, floor mats, rust proofing, instant rebate and no payments for fifty years financing.

All in all, I'm only slightly less-than-satisfied with Flowers on the Razorwire...only slightly.

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