The Price is WRONG!

As an entertainer I encounter performers most everywhere I go. Clowns are a strange group, which I'm sure you can surmise.

When I went to Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College it was not because I had a burning desire to become a clown. I wanted to learn a LOT of quality performing skills in a short amount of time and that was the best place to do so.

In the years since leaving Ringling, I came to find that there is a Sharks vs. Jets sort of mentality within the clown world. Ringling Clowns consider themselves to be the best in the world when in reality theyre really only the best at working for Ringling Bros.. Non-Ringling clowns that work other circuses are much better at doing traditional circus tasks and in my opinion are the real circus clowns. Ringling clowns dont like non-Ringling clowns and vice versa but we all agree on hating the third group of clowns out there, birthday party clowns.

Birthday clowns and their brothers, the Shrine Clowns, are among the scariest people on Earth. These are the geriatrics who look for hobbies in their old age, the folks who take their faces straight off of a bad clown painting. In short, these are the clowns that scare people.

Its not their acts or their mannerisms that scare the kids. Its the fact that so many of these people decide, now that theyre clowns, they can just bounce and scream all they want. They get in your face at parties, at parades they insist that you look in the bucket with the mirror in the bottom, and they own those fake weasel toys that were more convincing when the guy at the magic shop demonstrated it to them.

H-O-T- D-O-G! I've met clowns named Zobo and Stickers and Binky. They ALL carried business cards with full-color photographs of their clown personas on them and wore buttons that read I Y Q or Have you hugged a clown today? Once, backstage at a show, a clown, a man in his 50s, walked right up to me and with a goofy voice introduced himself as Hot Dog. It was embarrassing, "HI! I'm Hot Dog! What's Yer name?" (Insert honking sound here). There were no kids present and he wasnt working at the time. I said slowly, My name is A-N-D-Y, hoping to get his real name. All I got in return was, Im H-O-T D-O-G.
[BB]
When the circus came to Barlow, Kentucky, we were big news. Even though we were an indoor show that played school gymnasiums, people in Barlow still showed up just to watch us set up the show. Im not sure what they expected but I think the fact that we did not have any elephants hoisting up the walls of the building was a little disconcerting. Barlow was a town small enough that I was SURE Id never encounter other performers.

That day, the entire circus met Price the Mystical Clown. Price was something of a local celebrity in Barlow. He was a professional entertainer, or at least thats what he told everyone... constantly... even if you didnt ask.

There was no reason for us to assume he was a performer by looking at him. He was an older man with a bald head and bespectacled squinty eyes. A white mustache and goatee adorned his countenance. He wore casual clothing and for all we knew he was one of the shows sponsors.

In a loud voice similar to that of Foghorn Leghorn, he proceeded to ask, Whares tha show manajah? Sadly, someone directed him our way. Ah Suh, I would lahk to tawk to you about tonights show. My boss just tried to be polite. My name is Price the Mystical Clown and I show all ovuh. He proceeded to hand out cards and some 4 x 8 black & white photographs of himself, I show all ovuhhhh. Ive been pahformin all ovuh for 40 years now.

Price The Mystical ClownThe photo was frightening. He put his make-up on over his facial hair, and aside from a really awful costume that gave him the appearance of a homeless guy, there were no additional efforts to conceal his real identity. The photo was a snapshot taken in front of a brick wall, presumably a school or some building he was caught lurking around one day. He was pointing to the camera with both hands, as if to say, catch ya later. It was awful, but somehow we all KNEW this would be the only fun wed have all day, even though we were in BIRTHDAY CLOWN HELL! We let him continue.

I am a pro-FESSIONAL and I show all ovuh, yknow. I do magic tricks. Would you like to see one? he went on to ask. We all responded with an excitable SURE! He proceeded to dig into every pocket only to realize that hed not brought a single magic trick with him. I dont seem to have one with me raht now. Travis, the magician on our show, jokingly said, You wanna borrow mine? Price went on unaffected, Ah no, Suh. I wouldnt think of taking anutha man's act. Right away we admired his professionalism.

Normally, when we encounter other pro-FESSIONALS we try and find out what shows theyve worked on. Most any circus is filled with someone who knows EVERYONE in the business. So we asked where he had worked in the past.
[BB]
The Philipines? No WAY!Well, I show all ovuh. Ive played Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Broadway, The Philippines, Branson, you name it...Ive showed thare.

The Philippines? When we tried to find out names of specific shows he was unable to come up with one. He did suggest that we just Ask around. People have heard of me. I show all ovuh.

We understood that he showed all ovuh but he really seemed to want to tell us that.

As this rather odd conversation progressed we found out exactly what Price wanted from us.

Well I was hopin that maybe I could sit in with the show, he said.

Sit in??? A clown sitting in with the show? Like a musician sitting in with a band? That couldnt be what he meant. We asked him for a clarification.


Well, given that I am a pro-FESSIONAL thats showed all ovuh and all, I was uh hopin I could sit in with the clowns and do a few gags. Yknow.. im-PRO-visin something funny.

Now Id heard everything! We had a guy wanting to do improv with the circus. We all played dumb and told him that we couldnt fit him in, but if he had any ideas for us maybe we could work on something for him. His face just lit up like a Christmas tree.

Well as a mattah of fact I do have one gag that Im particularly proud of. It is a killah. They just rolled on the floors laughing in Vegas when I did this one, said Price.

What happened next was Price the Mystical Clown scurrying out to the middle of the gym. He instructed me to grab an old popcorn box and act like I was a vendor. Start yellin POP-CORN, POP-CORN, he said to me. I began yelling and selling, Popcorn, Popcorn, get yer hot Popcorn right here!

STOP, came a voice from Price, Youre doing it all wrong. Just say POP-CORN, POP-CORN. Nothing else. Do this for about 10-20 minutes". Thankfully Price just assumed I got the point and didnt actually make me chant POP-CORN for 20 minutes. He then ran into the seats, stopping to tell us that someone has to be in the audience to make this gag work. He began laughing at the punchline in advance. As I walked past his seat in the stands screaming POP-CORN Price sprung to his feet and interrupted my only dialogue. I stopped. He looked to the rest of the gang and winked, kind of saying to them, get ready. Price shouted in a voice somewhat wackier than his own,

Best Gag EVER!HEY! Why dont you try selling MOM-CORN for awhile?

He then proceded to run around the place emulating a chase scene from the "Benny Hill Show."

That was it. That was his big gag that kept them rolling in the aisles in Vegas. We all laughed in absolute hysterics but what he didnt realize was that we were laughing at him.

He stuck around the show for about an hour while we set up, talking to anyone who would listen. Eventually we convinced him that we work alone. We offered him the professional courtesy of seeing our show free of charge. He declined. We never saw him again.

A few years later I was catching up with a friend of mine, a man also in entertainment. During our stories I mentioned some of the odd times I had in Kentucky. He stopped me and asked, You ever meet a magician from Kentucky named Price? Funny guy. He supposedly shows all over the place.

Price told me that if I asked around Id find out, people know him. And now, so do you.

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