Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy

As the first calendar year of "Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy," nears its inevitable end, I'm forced to reach one equally inevitable conclusion:

You guys must have a serious tolerance for the rantings of former video store employees with delusions of grandeur who've declared themselves arbiters of good taste in video.

Anyway, since this is the end of the first year, and pretty much everybody is doing a top-ten list of some sort, I too will release such a list. I do so for two basic purposes. One, as a preview of the stuff you'll get to see next year in "Reel Advice." Everything in the top ten list to come will get its own column in the very near future. Two, as a public service, because chances are you're going to be renting a movie sometime this week, and I want you to know what the absolute worst crap on the shelves is right now, so you don't waste a perfectly good and possibly rare rental on one of these dogs.

So behold!

The Thoroughly Official and Utterly Egomaniacal "Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy" Top Ten Most Horrible Movies of 2004:

10) The Fanglys

Okay, this one was just a bad idea. If you take several college kids, put them in the backwoods, and have them get chased by rednecks for ninety minutes, you've got The Fanglys. The problem is, you've also got several other movies, all pretty much just as unpalatable as this canard.

9) Blood Reaper

Hey, ever seen a slasher movie? You have? Great! You have absolutely no reason to watch Blood Reaper now, because you've already seen it.

8) Bite Me

The horrible career of Brett Piper spawns Bite Me, perhaps the first movie ever to involve carnivorous bugs that breed in marijuana. Also, it provides us with proof that Shock-O-Rama Cinema is so thoroughly dependent on Misty Mundae that, if she were to ever die, Shock-O-Rama would likely die with it.

7) Curse of the Komodo

Join me in a thought exercise. Picture the original Jurassic Park movie. Now, take away all the dinosaur effects, and replace them with just one big lizard straight out of the Chiodo brothers. Now stop screaming. Please. It's really rather unsettling. What you've got from the result of that exercise is, pretty much, Curse of the Komodo.

6) Boa vs. Python

Two wrongs do not make a right. It's a cliche, yes, but cliches are often cliches because they're so very true. Boa Vs. Python is absolute proof of this. Boa was lousy, Python wasn't much better... Putting them together gives us a whole that's utterly unforgivable.

5) Doctor Moreau's House of Pain

Butchering classic literature for a quick profit is no way to go through life, son.

4) Near Death

Actors that think "action" is code for "Shout your lines! No one can hear you if you talk normally," a script that combines the worst in exploitation and sheer crap, and the truly depraved oeuvre of Joe Castro--all of these sad and sorry factors add up to provide a movie that should not be.

3) Suburban Nightmare

Cannibalism, marital discord, bisexualism, and amusing 'bon mots.' It sounds awful, and it watches even worse.

2) Horrific

Take three movies, cut about two hundred minutes of runtime from them, string them together in the same film, and release to suckers. The joke is: I'm not kidding. Neither is Full Moon, who had the unmitigated gall to release this awfulness.

1) Tomb of Terror

This is the film that made me truly cringe at the name of Charles Band. You remember Horrific? Tomb of Terror is the exact same concept: Three movies, ninety minutes - all crapola!

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