That's right! I'm back! And what's more I think I'm getting the hang of this whole horoscope thing.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be the world's foremost internet-based monkey astrologer, but (unless you know another one) I've done it.
Mrs. Monkey is so proud!
ARIES (21 March 20 April)
The rings of Saturn will converge while you're watching an episode of Friends, bringing the sudden realisation that "No one told you life was gonna be this way, your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A." Try not to cry.
TAURUS (21 April 21 May)
You have a 1 in 10 chance of having sex this week. Less if you live somewhere cold.
GEMINI (22 May 21 June)
Don't count your chickens before they hatch this week. In fact don't count chickens at all, it's boring and not a good way to meet people.
CANCER (22 June 23 July)
Recent events may have given you itchy feet. I'm not a doctor (I'm a monkey) but it's probably a fungal infection. Buy some powder.
LEO (24 July 23 August)
Once again, you won't win the lottery. You won't win next week either.
VIRGO (24 August 23 Septemer)
The ascent of Venus will bring an upturn in your romantic fortunes. Unless you're really, really ugly. I do astrology, not miracles.
LIBRA (24 September 23 October)
As part of a controversial initiative by The Cheers editorial staff, all Librans will be hunted down and killed this week. This will open up some advertising space in the next issue. To advertise in the space formerly known as LIBRA (24 September - 23 October) please contact thecheers@thecheers.org
SCORPIO (24 October 22 November)
One of you lucky Scorpios will sleep with ample-bosomed celebrity Jordan this week. This has nothing to do with astrology, it's just the law of averages. Remember to take precautions.
SAGITTARIUS (23 November 21 December)
You will not be the first man in space this week. You're at least fifty years too late, and monkeys were there first anyway. (well done Russian space monkey, you are in our hearts).
CAPRICORN (22 December 20 January)
The moon's proximity to Mars means that a visit to a Chinese restaurant will result in you taking a fortune cookie far too seriously. Remember that they're mass-manufactured, not handwritten just for you. What? Did you think they have a team of dedicated Chinese philosophers working away in the back? Exactly.
AQUARIUS (21 Janary 19 February)
It will not be your birthday this week.
PISCES (20 Febrary 20 March)
To save water remember this rhyme: "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." Me & Mrs. Monkey swear by it.
And there you go. Next week I'll be turning my talents to Euro 2004...
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Monkey is a (very) amateur astrologist/horoscopist and cannot be held responsible for actions you take based on his advice. And if I see any of you Gemenis counting chickens then God help you.
Politics
AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD DEPOSED BY ALP JUNTA. JULIA GILLARD IS NEW PM WITH ALP POWER BROKERS IN CHARGE OF RUNNING THE GOVERNMENT
In a particularly grubby manner, Australia’s Prime Minster Kevin Rudd, has been deposed as PM by Australian Labor Party (ALP) secretaries, ALP power brokers and other ALP ‘nobodies’ , all in a matter of 24 hours and in a manner that would lead Australian voters to question as to who is really in charge of the Australian Government.
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THE US GOVERNMENT CLEANING ISRAEL’S DIRTY LAUNDRY
3.Jun 2010
It is fascinating to watch how some governments surround themselves in a veil o...read
NUCLEAR-ARMED ISRAEL CONFIRMED AS BEING A ROGUE STATE
2.Jun 2010
Once again, Israel has shown that the country has little or no regard for inter...read
The Invaluable Culture of Asia: The Many Names of Burma
27.May 2010
Closer look into Burma/Myanmar and background info on what, how and why the sit...read
The sex scandals in catholic churches
10.Apr 2010
There are far too many news items about priests from the catholic churches indu...read
Opinion
Making a half empty glass, half full
A lack of confidence can breed a vicious cycle. The more you ruminate over the topic, the more depressed and often insecure you can become about it.
more
Telstra Bigpond - What an Experience!
11.May 2010
Have you ever tried to get your internet connected amidst incompetence and inef...read
How to overcome the tension after a personal tragedy
15.Apr 2010
All of us would experience some kind of a tension some time or the other in o...read
Primary Colors
14.Apr 2010
I wrote this article because it upsets me how cruel humans are toward each othe...read
Israel and Palestine: The World compelled to Listen
11.Apr 2010
As the Israeli–Palestinian conflict has become more and more difficult to repor...read
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Travel
TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL.
5.Jun 2010
Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read
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TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES
16.Apr 2010
Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read
TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA.
5.Apr 2010
Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read
TRAVELWISE 2 APRIL 2010. QANTAS.
2.Apr 2010
Some concerns have been raised in relation to some of the maintenance practices...read
TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY. 14 DECEMBER 2009. DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN.
14.Dec 2009
Given the political and human rights situation in Iran, Travelwise advises pote...read
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Twittering: I'm not that interesting
Cheers
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