Inappropriate Bedtime Stories for Children

Humphrey, the Goat with a Hernia

Humphrey, the goat with a Hernia got out of bed one Saturday morning. His doctor told him that lifting weights would make his hernia worse, but Humphrey chose to ignore Dr. Duck and lifted weights anyway. Once again, as it had happened every day that week, his organs and tissue began to protrude through his skin. Humphrey was very upset.

He was also very faint from the sight of his own intestines and he collapsed and hit his head on his coffee table. Later that afternoon, Josie, the Prostitute Giraffe who was his coke dealer, and also the giraffe carrying his illegitimate child, walked in and saw Humphrey passed out on top of his broken coffee table. Unfortunately, the table had been made out of glass, whose shards were now stuck in Humphrey. Josie picked him up and slapped him upside the head. She dragged him to the hospital in a car they had stolen together the night they had met. Humphrey was treated for injuries and his hernia while Josie was arrested for soliciting an orderly.

The End.

Goodnight Children…


Toodles, the Drug Mule Chicken

Toodles had been a drug mule for her family for five years. Most of the time she didn’t mind it; She got to visit exotic locations like Mexico, Guadalajara, and she was once the girlfriend of a Haitian prostitute named Rosita whilst spending two nights in a Port a Prince prison. Toodles was very proud to be a chicken. She loved everything about it: laying eggs, hearing her father yell at the sunrise; it was mostly the drug mule thing that bothered her.

Her family were proud chickens, but they really loved their drugs. So Toodles, being the youngest, was volunteered to smuggle the drugs from south of the border. The ironic thing was that Toodles had never done drugs, nor did she want to. But she had swallowed many, many balloons of who the hell knows what. Sometimes the balloons didn’t come out and Toodles got scared for her health, but her family wouldn’t let her go to a doctor because then the doctor might discover the drugs. Toodles thought she wished she lived on a farm somewhere laying eggs instead of smuggling drugs for her family. Such is the life of a chicken living on the skids.

The End.


Emily Eucalyptus, the story of an Emotionally Abusive Koala Bear

Emily Eucalyptus was born in Australia to a couple of very happy koalas. They thought everything was perfect. They had a beautiful daughter who made their lives complete and they lived in the countryside. It was an image of perfection. When Emily turned three they started to notice strange tendencies. She would never say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ anymore; in fact she had taken up flipping them off every time she spoke to her parents. (Which is no easy feat for a koala bear – having to put all the other fingers down. It’s very hard for them.)

Emily would roll her eyes at everything they said, and started to call her mother fat and her father “ugly baldy”, which was strange because he wasn’t bald…koalas don’t really go bald, but yet Emily still called him that. Every time they asked her to pick up her clothes or do her homework she would threaten to kill herself or cut her wrists. To that they reminded her that they didn’t have any knives because once again, they were koalas, so she would just flip them off, call them “duperingtons” - which is like the koala equivalent of something really bad, and then leave the area in a huff. By area I mean the branch that they were standing on since they lived in a tree.

All of this bad behavior went on for a long time until Emily’s sassy Aunt Furrington came to live with them. Aunt Furrington was a very well respected koala living at the Sydney zoo. Emily was in complete awe of Furrington. When she came to live with them, Emily’s parents were at whit’s end. She arrived at the house (and by house I mean the tree, of course) and Emily went running out to meet her idol. Aunt Furrington took one look at Emily, said, “Child, what is wrong with you?”, and gave her a forceful slap across the face. No one knows why, but somehow that did it. From then on Emily was a model koala, she even visited the San Diego Zoo once. So, children, the lesson is that when you can’t possibly think of anything else to do, violence is acceptable and in some cases welcomed. Good night.


The End.

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