Weve all heard it and maybe some of you have even said it: If he/she was brought up right, he/she wouldnt have gotten into trouble. Its one of the most stereotypical and inconsistent statements that has ever left anyones lips. After all, when our children were born, did they come with instructions? Of course not! Was there someone there to guide us and tell us if what we were doing was right or wrong? Again, no! Of course, we may have had experienced old relatives or friends of the family who tried to lend a hand, but in the end, the decision was totally ours.
As the mother of three daughters, I can tell you it isnt always the way you raise your children, but the path they choose to take that makes the difference. My oldest daughter, now 28 with her own daughter, has told me many times that she doesnt know why I never gave up on her. She got into every type trouble that you can imagine drugs, alcohol, running away several times, smoking (both kinds), skipping school, sneaking out after I went to bed, stealing, and lying just to name a few. Was I a bad parent? Was there something I could have done that I didnt do? I dont think so, except for the fact that I wasnt a stay-at-home mom, but I dont think that would have mattered. After all, we cant be with our children every minute of the day. We cant follow them to school or join them at the mall or go with them every time they want to visit a friend. We can only do the best we can do and hope they follow our guidance.
Sowhat about all those ads on radio and television that claim you can keep your children off drugs by insisting on knowing where they are all the time? Same scenario you dont go with them to school, to the mall, or to their friends houses, so you cant control every thing they do. Does it work when you try to teach them they dont have to follow the crowd? Once again, this depends on the child and how important it is for him or her to fit in. Thats where the problem with my oldest developed it started when my mother died when she was 12, but she was also the type that just needed to fit in, and she would do whatever she had to do to reach that goal. As parents we tell them fitting in isnt important, but to a teen, its very important more than we as parents can ever begin to understand.
Peer pressure today is worse than when I graduated from high school. We didnt have drug dealers outside the school gates, boys telling us wed be disliked if we didnt have sex, or parties that were unsupervised and full of alcohol and drugs (not all of them anyway). You were able to be your own person and not feel the pressure to be like the rest of the crowd. Such is not the case today you either follow the crowd and youre an outcast. Thats a lot of pressure to put on a teenager!
Am I telling you theres no hope for todays teens? Of course Im not saying that. What I am saying is that if your children get it trouble, that doesnt always reflect on you as a parent. If you do everything you can, including spending time with your children, setting proper limits, knowing who their friends are, and instilling proper values into their lives, and they still make wrong choices, that doesnt mean you are a bad parent. Contrary to what many people believe, a child that goes astray was not necessarily brought up by bad parents. Is it your fault if you teach your daughter everything there is to know about sex, including birth control, and she gets pregnant? The idea is the same: you cant be there twenty-four hours a day.
What, you may ask, can we as parents do? You cant prevent your teen from making wrong choices just by giving them everything they want, nor can you do it by insisting they let you know where they are every second of the day or prevent them from going out alone in the hope of keeping them safe. Im not saying there arent some things I could have done differently, but for the most part, I did the best I could do. To reduce your chances of having a bad child, here are some things you can be sure that you are doing:
1. Make sure your lines of communication are always open, that your children know they can come to you when they have a problem.
2. Be sure you know who their friends are and insist on a telephone number where they are going to be.
3. Make sure your children understand the house rules, including curfews, calling if they are going to be late, and checking in if they go somewhere other than where they were supposed to be.
4. Be a parent, not a friend! You can be buddy/buddy with your children, but when its time for discipline, make sure they understand you are their parent and not their best friend.
I hope some of what I have said here will be helpful to those who may have already faced some of the experiences or circumstances mentioned. For those of you who have young children or no children yet, you can be prepared for the years to come. For the rest of you, I hope this has shed some light on the subject of parenthood. You will undoubtedly think twice the next time you are tempted to blame a parent for a childs "bad" behavior, because, in all likelihood, your claims may not necessarily be true!
2004
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