Whose Responsbility Is it Anyway?

You're both working, but you wonder how to divide the household chores.  On the other hand, he feels there is no need because it isn't his responsibility to take care of the house or the children.  What do you do?  How do you make him understand that not only is it his responsibility, it's his obligation to you because you are also helping bring in a paycheck.  What do you do first, you ask, besides throwing a temper tantrum and locking him out of the bedroom?

First, don't do anything drastic.  You have to know the type of person you are dealing with.  In my case, the only way to get anything done was to tell my husband exactly what he was going to do, literally.  Of course, this method grows old, and you will become tired of always having to hand him the vacuum cleaner, broom, mop, Johnny mop, or whatever else you have in mind. 

 

Is there an easier way?  Perhaps, for some men, it may be as simple as making him understand you really do need his help.  Those are the ones I am going to address because they are the ones we can reach.  The easiest way to deal with your boyfriend or husband is to sit him down and explain there are only so many hours in the day, and since you are both working at least eight of those hours each and sleeping another eight each, it only leaves another eight in which to clean the house and take care of the children.  Of course, don't forget on top of that you must set aside some time for lovemaking so the two of you wont get too grumpy!  How do you do all of that in just eight hours a day each?  Let's think about it.

 

As women we are expected to be the cook, cleaning lady, laundress, lover, babysitter, seamstress, teacher, and many more titles as well.  The problem is we don't have time for all of this work and have time for ourselves as well, something we need in order to be a fun person to live with.  Solving this problem with time requires the help of everyone in the house including children if they are old enough.  Aside from children, let us start with the husband or boyfriend.  In most cases a simple request will do the trick.  Maybe it isn't quite that simple because you do need to point out how much is required.  Of course you are liable to get that :"but I work harder than you do" scenario because maybe he has to do manual labor and you have an office job.  Don't let it fly because we know it is just as tiring to challenge the brain as to do manual labor; the only difference is that being tired from manual labor requires a short rest in the easy chair and perhaps a nice back rub, but challenging your brain doesn't have that advantage.  He needs to understand you are both tired in different ways after a long day of working.  Okay, cut him some slack if he works overtime, but he still needs to pull his weight.

 

The easiest way would be to give him his choice: would he like to make dinner or vacuum the living room?  Would you prefer to do the laundry or clean the bathroom?  If you give him a choice, he still feels he is in control of the situation and will more likely respond positively to your request.  Most men are macho when it comes to doing housework and like to think it's someone else's responsibility, so we have to take the upper hand and undo that obsolete way of thinking.  At the same time we have to do it in a positive and loving way so he knows we are not just nagging, we really truly need the help.  Sometimes you may even throw in a little positive reinforcement:  If you help me get this done, we can go to bed early and have some private time.  That will usually work because he knows if he helps you do the chores, you won't be too tired to spend some time with him.

 

Yours isn't that easy to convince, you say?  You've tried every trick in the book and it doesn't work, now what?  First, I found out the hard way you don't start out by letting him make you do it all because once you do that it will be next to impossible to change.  If you want to be sure you both share the chores, you have to get in the habit of asking for the help from the day you move in together, not two or three months or years later after you have gotten him used to having you wait on him hand and foot.  If you've done everything right, and you still have problems getting him to help, you may just have to hand him the broom, mop, dust cloth, or whatever it is and tell him point blank what to do.  It may not be the best way to handle things, but if it works, that's all that matters.

 

What about the children?  He sees them as your responsibility totally as the mother, but did you conceive them alone?  No, of course not!  He is just as responsible for their well being as you are and should take an active role in their upbringing.  First, you should not have to take the children when you go shopping unless you are going for them.  Let him watch the children while you go to the store; you'll finish quicker and spend much less money.  While you are cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, let him bathe the children or read them their bedtime story; they will get to bed much earlier giving both of you some quiet time before you go to bed.  I'm sure we've all heard the complaint that after children come, the sex deteriorates, but it doesn't have be that way.  Help him understand that after working all day, cleaning house all night, and chasing after the children, you just don't feel very romantic.  If that doesn't give him the message you want him to hear, then nothing will.

 

In conclusion, what we need our men to understand is raising a family and running a house is not just the responsibility of the woman, it is the responsibility of every single person who lives in that house.  By working together in harmony there becomes more time for everyone to enjoy some leisure time.  It will give you and your partner more time to enjoy being together because you won't so exhausted by the time you go to bed that all you will want to do is sleep.  Men, get the message and help around the house and you will find your mates will be much happier and more interested in romance at the end of the day.

 

By Brenda Coxe 2003

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