Jesus Who?

I’m not much of a holiday kind of guy. Christmas seems to bring out the most skeptical side of my nature. Christmas followers have a name for this sort of analytical behavior—Scrooge--they say. Code word for--Jew, but that might just be the anti-X-Mas-side of me talking.

For me, X-mas is the culmination of the Western world’s devotion to living in a fairy tale. I feel like the kid who kept telling the people of the kingdom that the emperor was naked. I see subscription to the Jesus story no different than believing in any religious figure. Worship Odin, Krishna, or Jesus, it’s all the same to me. I don’t care who you worship--just don’t shove it down my throat.

There was no magic man called Jesus. There were no miracles. Things might have happened in history that found no explanation, but to attribute divine powers upon those occurences, is to revert to a child’s imagination. Humans desperately cling to magic, we all want something special to be in our lives, but the illusion is thin.

Going with the premise that there was a Jesus and other various chapters of his story, the story smacks of someone getting cute with the facts over the last 2000 years. Mary goes for a walk and comes back pregnant, with God’s child? I don’t buy it. The child has a mystical birth and is visited by wise men with presents? No, that doesn’t happen. The child disappears for 30 years and then reappears manifesting miracles for the masses? This is obviously a fable of some kind.

Where was he for three decades? Must have been some tense moments in the Nazarene household—you think your teenager is a rebel, imagine rearing Jesus:

Joseph: Jesus take out the garbage.

Jesus: You cannot tell me what to do.

Joseph: I’m your father!

Jesus: No your not.

Joseph: Mary, tell him I’m his father.

Mary: Well technically Joe, he’s right.

Joseph: Whore.

Mary: You must be thinking of the other Mary.

Joseph: No, I’m thinking of you. You go out for a walk and come back pregnant? Who does that? Yeah Mary, tell me that one again.

And the answer to these questions is one must have faith. So simple. Just believe. Just Do It. I like to believe in things—but I try to find out as much as I can about it to make sure that I’m not believing in something preposterous. Blind faith (not the band) is lunacy.

I find that people want to be happy and during X-Mas time, they will be happy even if it kills them. Jesus died so we could be happy. “I’m not going to let him down.” But, if you really didn’t want to let Jesus down you would emulate his higher principles. Jesus questioned the religious right of his day, he questioned the government, he questioned family, marriage and education—or so the story goes. If you met Jesus he would question your entire lifestyle. He could be, in actuality, a real bummer. He would probably ask you to give up everything you have. No more job, wife, kids, house, car, giant TV, Monday Night Football, He might let you keep the NBA but that’s only because he loves the game.

2000 years is a long time ago. Long enough for many facts to be obscured distorted, rewritten and transformed. The finest Biblical scholars argue the difference between a historical Jesus and the one who appears in your dreams. Even Thomas Jefferson rewrote the Bible so it contained no supernatural events.

The 21st Century is a time to imagine what life could be like after we awaken from our long dream. What does life without a bearded God look like? It’s time to plan for the future lest we fall into chaos, community shattered, and blame placed.

I find that another group who persist in fairy tales are Democrats. I love talking to them! It’s like talking to a child right before they wake up.

DNA: You’re smiling.

DEM: I’m having the sweetest dream. The Presidential election is a success, a huge success.

DNA: But you didn’t have any choices, except McCain.

DEM: Yes, so we got the best candidate ever. Overwhelming success. So positive.

DNA: But it wasn’t overwhelming, the turn out of voters was the same as last time.

DEM: But the youth came out and got involved--more young people voted than ever before.

DNA: That’s because the older voters died. Every year older voters die and younger voters take their place.

DEM: But it was a landslide.

DNA: Obama got 52%. That isn’t a landslide. In anything else, a little over 50% is failing.

DEM: A real sweep. The country is behind him.

DNA: Not the 48% who lost. The two parties combined is only 120 million, there’s 300 million in America. If you add the Republicans to that, it means 240 million people didn’t vote for Obama. He has less than 25% of the country who actually casted a vote for him.

DEM: At last we’re rid of Bush.

DNA: Are you? His family has had a hand in guiding this country since the 1950s. Oil barons, pharmaceutical CEOs, head of the CIA, governorships of the two states that allow the most cocaine into our country, banking CEOs, 10 times in the Whitehouse as P or VP. Do you really think Bush is going away?

DEM: At least he won’t embarrass us anymore. Stop confusing me with facts and let me have a happy moment. What are you a Scrooge?

DNA: No. I’m a Jew. Merry Christmas.

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