Forgive me if I seem a bit more hostile today than normal. I have been diagnosed with ornithophobia (intense fear of birds) because I am forced to deal with a hellish mutant strain of birds that have set up shop right outside my apartment window. These whores of Satan are awake and screaming 21 hours a day. They normally take a break from 2:30 a.m. and start back screaming at 5:30 a.m. They are partially to blame for my recent usage of Wellbutrin. These evil creatures will not let me sleep or even watch television in peace and I have declared war on them.
I have no idea what caused them to become so obnoxious. It could be the constant roar of the 6 lane Interstate that is within field goal distance of my balcony. I have never had a real passion for hurting animals, though I would like to brutalize that yapping poodle that my beached whale neighbor takes out to shit every morning at 6:00 a.m. If the birds would have acted civilized we could have lived in relative harmony, but they have chosen not to and they will regret their decision when I bring my vengeance upon them.
Unfortunately my efforts to dispose of the filthy creatures have been hampered. People do not take ornithophobia as seriously as they should. Apartment management will not cut down the tree as I requested. They also frowned on the idea of me disposing of the tree with a blowtorch. I can’t shoot them either because of the fear of “collateral damage” to other residents. Soothing sleep CD’s have not proved effective in drowning out their shrill hedonistic chirping. Earplugs work, but what if someone decides to break in during the night? I want to at least have an opportunity to decapitate them with my Atlantean sword.
After weeks of developing plans to end this madness I finally came upon a winner. For the past few weeks when they start screaming at night I go out on my balcony and throw ice cubes at the punks. I have actually gotten to be pretty good at picking them off. Kind of like Satchel Paige using stones to kill chickens for the evening meal. Why the ice cubes instead of rocks you may ask? In case some yuppie geek reports me to the humane society for animal cruelty there will be no evidence. Primitive you may say, but effective. Just a few more weeks and I should be able to convince them to relocate to some other poor ass-clowns' window.
My recent diagnosis of ornithophobia made me realize just how much I had in common with George W. Bush. Laugh if you want, but the Dubya is probably the only person that fears birds more than I do. Big George must have made him watch Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece as a child. He has taken to the streets recently with his message of bird hatred and is currently looking for supporters. He has warned us about the death that bird flu could bring in the next few months. I tried to e-mail “the man” to see if he actually had ornithophobia or was he just using birds as a political weapon. He must have been busy because my e-mail was never answered. It’s a shame because this could have been a real opportunity for us to bury the hatchet. Love can unite folks, but not nearly as much as hate.
Ole Georgie Boy is already whipping up a storm of public fear that will mean trouble for the birds. He has used FOX and CNN to preach about birds bringing about the end of time. Make no mistake about it, there is no escape. Why just this past Monday the Dubya suggested using the military to enforce a martial law “quarantine” to stop these brutes from killing everyone. Personally I agree with him and I am barring down the hatches in anticipation of the Armageddon coming. I may even break out the “DUCT TAPE” that Ashcroft told me to have on hand, just in case of a bio-terrorist attack.
I’m really pulling for the Dubya not to let me down. I am confident that his recent “war on birds” is in our best interest. He wouldn’t be using this as a “fear tactic” would he? Surely he wouldn’t do that because he is a man of great moral fiber. I mean I just couldn’t believe that he may be using the birds as a smokescreen to hide the fact that he named a former Arabian Horseshow Director to be the head of FEMA, no matter what his own friends may say. And I can’t believe that he would divert attention from his attempt to name a former Texas Lottery Commissioner (and virgin judge) to the Supreme Court either.
You spoiled liberals are just crying when you claim that the Dubya has used “boogeyman” scare tactics to fuel his political agenda. I certainly don’t think he was using scare tactics when he claimed that Social Security needed to be “re-vamped” in order to keep it solvent. Don’t listen to those Liberals who said he was trying to privatize Social Security to pay for the war. Live for today is what I say. If the Dubya will give me an extra hundred dollars a month in exchange for no security when I get old and decrepit I’ll take it. I’ll invest it in the stock market where reputable CEO’s like Kenneth Lay will put my money to good use.
For the love of God you had to agree with Bush on his attack on the steroid issue. My dad seems to think that John McCain was directed by the head man to create mass panic that would drive attention away from all of the issues going on in the States. I think my dad must have overdone it on the crack that day. There is absolutely no way we could have our youth turn out like that filthy Jose Canseco. Who could accept our young men wanting to be a Madonna balling, multi-millionaire, best selling author, baseball hall of fame Adonis just by taking steroids? I just don’t think I could accept a son of mine wanting that. Nobody wants that to happen to their kids, do they?
I choose to think that George has the best intentions when he preaches the terror of “bird flu”. I’m willing to take him seriously and join the fight and sacrifice in order to put an end to their depraved ways. Ornithophobia is serious dammit, and Bush and I are the only ones who seem to know. Mr. Bush is not alone in his quest. Like all great leaders his vision has convinced others to take up arms against the dreaded birds. Thank God, soon I will be able to sleep and my car will not be peppered with bird-shit.
As a matter of fact you can have my water and tuna left over from the Y2K scare because I will be leaving today for Romania as soon as I finish with this. I am going to face my fear of birds. The Turks and Romanians are taking a proactive approach to dealing with the “bird flu” that Bush may want to consider. I missed out on the fun when the Turks put to death around 600 birds and 2,500 turkeys last week. But I won’t miss out on the blood-bath that will take place when the Romanians and I put 40,000 birds to the sword. We will march on a road of bird carcasses. The barbaric Vlad Dracula will look like Charlie Brown compared to what we will do. Better the birds than us.
I hope this will be the start of a bond for George and I. We have had our differences in the past, but I know he will be proud of my recent epiphany. We share a common enemy. As soon as I get back I will submit my application to be director of bird eradication and hopefully we can all rest a little easier. I know that he will agree with my idea of killing the contaminated birds. That is, unless George decides that quarantines and martial law are a better option than killing a few birds.
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