The Sum Of All Fears

The other day whilst observing my two-year old sister running terrified from a large balloon that was bouncing playfully along the carpet toward her, it occurred to me that the whole concept of fears and phobias really is quite bizarre.

Are they inherent? Or are they triggered by something? The thing that tends to intrigue us about them is that they are often irrational. If you think about it, logically, all kids should be scared to death of Father Christmas, or Santa if youd prefer. He drinks. He practically breaks into peoples houses. He likes the sensation of having kids on his lap, not to mentioning watching them while they sleep. He dresses in all red like some sort of overweight demon, and surely the fact that Santa is an anagram of Satan points to sinister forces at work. If thats not enough to provoke fear I dont know what is. But thats fear for you, often irrational.

Take my top three fears for example

1. Being sealed in a big metal box.

2. The Sea.

3. Being sealed in a metal box and dropped in the sea.

How likely is the above to happen? Doing a bit of research, I found the above appears to be a combination of claustrophobia and thalassophobia, which is a fear of the sea or ocean. A girl I know once revealed to me that she suffers from a phobia of squirrels. Yes, really. This apparently emanates from a vicious squirrel attack that occurred during her childhood. This led me to recall how as I youngster I was always fearful that I would fall into the gap between carriage and platform as I was boarding a train. Im not sure what exactly constitutes a phobia, but I was definitely afraid of that! Even now I have to contend with the stares of puzzled commuters as I jump onboard just to make sure. Better safe than sorry.

Squirrels and agonizingly slow deaths in a confined space aside, peoples worst nightmares and most intense phobias make for interesting deliberation as to how some people manage to cope. Such as those who suffer with illnesses such as geniophobia, apparently a fear of chins. How do you live with that? The geniophobics must be shitting themselves at the rapid increase in obesity, knowing that with every calorie the masses consume, somewhere theres a gluttonous face giving birth to yet another chin. Its scary stuff, particularly when you hypothesize.

How would Peter Parker (of Spiderman fame) for example, have fared if he had arachnophobia? Severe issues with his own body-image and possible suicide attempts Id venture its tricky shooting webs from your wrists when youve been up all night cutting them And what of Batman? Coulrophobia or a fear of clowns would render him ineffective against the Joker, and homophobia would surely prevent him from calling Robin in as back up.

However, there is a tragic end to these tales of fears and phobias. A good friend of mine had an extreme form of triskadekaphobia, which made him terrified of the number thirteen. He went for an interview for the cashier job at a local supermarket. During this, they asked him to write down on his application form if he had any disabilities or problems that could affect his work. By coincidence, unfortunately he also suffered from a fear of long words, and so was unable to covey the severity of his triskadekaphobia.

12 or so customers later, he was dead.

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