Inappropriate Bedtime Stories for Children
Humphrey, the goat with a Hernia got out of bed one Saturday morning. His doctor told him that lifting weights would make his hernia worse, but Humphrey chose to ignore Dr. Duck and lifted weights anyway. Once again, as it had happened every day that week, his organs and tissue began to protrude through his skin. Humphrey was very upset.
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Later that afternoon, Josie, the Prostitute Giraffe who was his coke dealer, and also the giraffe carrying his illegitimate child, walked inThe End.
Goodnight Children…
Toodles, the Drug Mule Chicken
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The ironic thing was that Toodles had never done drugs, but she had swallowed many, many balloons.Her family were proud chickens, but they really loved their drugs. So Toodles, being the youngest, was volunteered to smuggle the drugs from south of the border. The ironic thing was that Toodles had never done drugs, nor did she want to. But she had swallowed many, many balloons of who the hell knows what. Sometimes the balloons didn't come out and Toodles got scared for her health, but her family wouldn't let her go to a doctor because then the doctor might discover the drugs. Toodles thought she wished she lived on a farm somewhere laying eggs instead of smuggling drugs for her family. Such is the life of a chicken living on the skids.
The End.
Emily Eucalyptus, the story of an Emotionally Abusive Koala Bear
Emily Eucalyptus was born in Australia to a couple of very happy koalas. They thought everything was perfect. They had a beautiful daughter who made their lives complete and they lived in the countryside. It was an image of perfection. When Emily turned three they started to notice strange tendencies. She would never say ‘please' or ‘thank you' anymore; in fact she had taken up flipping them off every time she spoke to her parents. (Which is no easy feat for a koala bear – having to put all the other fingers down. It's very hard for them.)
Emily would roll her eyes at everything they said, and started to call her mother fat and her father "ugly baldy", which was strange because he wasn't bald…koalas don't really go bald, but yet Emily still called him that. Every time they asked her to pick up her clothes or do her homework she would threaten to kill herself or cut her wrists. To that they reminded her that they didn't have any knives because once again, they were koalas, so she would just flip them off, call them "duperingtons" - which is like the koala equivalent of something really bad, and then leave the area in a huff. By area I mean the branch that they were standing on since they lived in a tree.
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Violence is acceptable and in some cases welcomed.All of this bad behavior went on for a long time until Emily's sassy Aunt Furrington came to live with them. Aunt Furrington was a very well respected koala living at the Sydney zoo. Emily was in complete awe of Furrington. When she came to live with them, Emily's parents were at whit's end. She arrived at the house (and by house I mean the tree, of course) and Emily went running out to meet her idol. Aunt Furrington took one look at Emily, said, "Child, what is wrong with you?", and gave her a forceful slap across the face. No one knows why, but somehow that did it. From then on Emily was a model koala, she even visited the San Diego Zoo once. So, children, the lesson is that when you can't possibly think of anything else to do, violence is acceptable and in some cases welcomed. Good night.
The End.
more in No Laughing
Mistletoe
In the front grocery store aisle, looking for Glad bags with an empty 12 gauge shotgun crooked casually over my elbow, I noticed something felt very different. A policeman was staring at me!
In the front grocery store aisle, looking for Glad bags with an empty 12 gauge shotgun crooked casually over my elbow, I noticed something felt very different. A policeman was staring at me!
TOYOTA - LEMONS MOVING FORWARD
As the court cases mount and the damages bills are likely to venture into the billions, Toyota must getting a bit worried about the overall effect on its long-term prospects worldwide. I am going to add a bit to those worries with the call that all sales of Toyota product be suspended until such time the company can prove that its products are safe to use which, at this point in time, Toyota cannot.
As the court cases mount and the damages bills are likely to venture into the billions, Toyota must getting a bit worried about the overall effect on its long-term prospects worldwide. I am going to add a bit to those worries with the call that all sales of Toyota product be suspended until such time the company can prove that its products are safe to use which, at this point in time, Toyota cannot.
Santa Missing in Eurotunnel
Well might you say. "Poor old Santa". Here is the poor old pensioner trying to save some time by travelling via the Eurotunnel and he gets stuck on a train half-way through the tunnel, prompting a search party for him.
Well might you say. "Poor old Santa". Here is the poor old pensioner trying to save some time by travelling via the Eurotunnel and he gets stuck on a train half-way through the tunnel, prompting a search party for him.
ABUSED BY PRIESTS OR OTHER RELIGIOUS SEX OFFENDERS? HERE ARE SOME GUIDELINES AS TO WHAT ACTION TO TAKE
The phenomenon of priests, clerics and other religious sex offenders is, by all accounts, more like an epidemic rather than the occasional occurrence and as to ensure that justice prevails, victims of these parasites must be extremely careful as to not make statements and/or participate in actions that may lead to religious sex offenders getting away with committed crimes.
The phenomenon of priests, clerics and other religious sex offenders is, by all accounts, more like an epidemic rather than the occasional occurrence and as to ensure that justice prevails, victims of these parasites must be extremely careful as to not make statements and/or participate in actions that may lead to religious sex offenders getting away with committed crimes.
HIGHWAY ROBBERY. AUTHORS AND WRITERS RIPPED-OFF
It is so sad to see people with obvious talents being ripped-off by crooks, charlatans, dodgy individuals and companies and other forms of low-life who prey on individual lack of legal knowledge and weaknesses in terms of contracts and so-called marketing practices that often amount to nothing more than theft and, in the more extreme cases, fraud.
It is so sad to see people with obvious talents being ripped-off by crooks, charlatans, dodgy individuals and companies and other forms of low-life who prey on individual lack of legal knowledge and weaknesses in terms of contracts and so-called marketing practices that often amount to nothing more than theft and, in the more extreme cases, fraud.
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