Step Four: Made a searching and fearless inventory of
our character for ourselves.
The
word inventory is a bit misleading, but this step comes down to the adage,
“Know thyself.” In business, an inventory has important value. The store owner
can borrow money against the store’s inventory. It tells him what needs to be
ordered. It evaluates the net worth of a company at any given moment. Applied
to people in the original Alcoholics Anonymous, it was a moral
inventory, a kind of confession of wrong doing and list of things that needed
correction. The word moral is dropped here because an inventory of
values and beliefs, while essential, is part of a complete program of
self-study.
I
prefer an expanded concept of personal inventory that implies a much broader
kind of self-study, and, of course, more work. Done correctly, this kind of
work may last for the rest of your life.
The
similarity to a business inventory is not accurate enough, although one could
argue that the real worth of a person is measured in character and behavior.
Better words are evaluation or assessment. Many professions such
as nursing, psychiatry and law open each new case with a complete assessment of
the new client. In many ways, a Fourth Step inventory is like an autobiography,
and writing an autobiography is an exercise in self study. So, doing a Fourth
Step may take considerable time and even some research. Done effectively, the
inventory is written on many pages using notes and memories. In doing this, you
are learning important skills for self-study and self-understanding. You will
begin to see yourself as others see you, and that can be rather shocking.
I
have heard the opinion that no one can take your inventory for you, and I agree
that only you can do the real work and make the important changes. That said,
sometimes when someone really doesn’t want to hear criticism or suggestions,
they fall back on, “You can’t take my inventory for me, only I can do
that.” This defense becomes a way of not
hearing bad news. However, others who know you are well worth listening to.
What to search for:
1.
By all means, make the traditional list of persons and institutions you
may have harmed in your pursuit of an addiction. You are getting ready, we
hope, to make a plan of restitution.
2.
List all of your addictions or potential addictions
(see Chapter Six on triggers).
3.
List all of your risk factors, those in the present and
those in your past (see Chapter Eight).
4.
List all of your different dark moods, the feelings you have
been running away from (see Chapter Ten).
5.
Inventory your character defects and list the strengths that
you will replace them with (see below).
6.
Begin to write a life history and plan to continue this
until it is finished and at which point you many decide to begin a daily
journal of events, feelings and ideas.
7.
List all of your important relationships making plans to
improve, eliminate or change them as needed to insure your continued
abstinence.
Limit the lists above to only the
critical and important items. As you develop the lists, do a little thoughtful
writing about each item, about what has it meant in your life. Has it caused
pleasure or pain? Does something need change?
Just a note here on number one above:
some people feel that it is not necessary to make restitution to institutions.
I disagree. The purpose of an inventory is to benefit you the writer. If
you harmed a company, school, agency or other organization, it is important in
your recovery that you admit this and eventually offer some kind of restitution
or apology. My experience with gamblers and drug uses is that they are very
willing to make amends to individuals but resist making amends to impersonal
organizations. The benefit here is practice in honesty and humility. If you
stole from or lied to a company, the Little League, the Internal Revenue
Service or any group, remember that organizations are made up of individuals
who get hurt by dishonesty. Someone always pays the price even if you don’t
know those people personally.
Being fearless
Step
Four asks you to be fearless in making your inventory. Building the good
inventory sometimes requires getting opinions and information from others who
witnessed or were part of certain events. We fear what others may say, and we
are afraid to hear their ideas. Just as we would fear a physician’s diagnosis,
we fear the truth, but it is essential that we hear it and put aside, as well
as possible, the dread of being judged and facing consequences.
Then,
too, we sometimes fear our own judgments of ourselves. The more you allow
yourself to hear different opinions the easier it gets. Stop fighting and just
listen.
The meaning and form of inventory
The
personal inventory should be written out, and if you have problems writing for
any reason you can get the help of others. You can use a tape recorder, diary,
note book or note cards. When all the information you want is assembled, a
final draft is prepared. Include all the necessary details that will make
events clear.
Doing
a useful inventory goes well past just thinking about life and admitting a few
mistakes. The more seriously you take the job the more you will gain from it.
Defining character
Character is so important, in my
opinion, that I have discussed it in several places in these chapters. A
significant part of later chapters will deal with a further analysis of
character. For the inventory process, you are looking for those particular
defects of character that feed addiction and set you up for relapse. Character
defects, often long practiced during a life, are major sources of misery. They
are not, as they often seem, really necessary for life. Below is a list of 101
possibilities. With each is a corresponding asset or strength. Since we are
often blind to our own defects of character, this is where you can reach out to
those who know you well and get their honest opinions. Please remember, if you
ask friends or group members for their ideas, your role is just to listen and
say thanks. Do not quarrel, justify yourself, be defensive or engage in denial.
They may be right or they may miss some things. You will decide yourself what
to use, but for now, just listen and say thank you when they finish.
Character Defect — Character Asset
Abrasive
— Gentle
Aggressive
— Peaceful
Aloof
— Involved
Angry
— Serene
Anxious
— Confident
Apathetic
— Concerned
Argumentative
— Agreeable
Arrogant
— Humble
Attention-seeking—Attention-giving
Bitter
— Forgiving
Bossy
— Cooperative
Careless
— Careful
Cold
— Warm
Complaining
— Accepting
Compulsive
— Flexible
Critical
— Approving
Cruel
— Kind
Deceitful
— Honest
Defensive
— Open
Dependent
— Self-sufficient
Depressed
— Cheerful
Dishonest
— Honest
Disorganized
— Organized
Distant
— Sociable
Distrustful
— Trusting
Dominating
— Permissive
Dramatic
— Unassuming
Egocentric
— Selfless
Envious
— Giving
Evasive
— Straightforward
Fearful
— Confident
Flighty
— Persistent
Forgetful
— Considerate
Grandiose
— Realistic
Greedy
— Spiritual
Guilty
— Guilt-free
Headstrong
— Flexible
Hostile
— Friendly
Humorless
— Witty
Immature
— Thoughtful
Impatient
— Patient
Impulsive
— Planning
Inconsiderate
— Considerate
Indecisive
— Decisive
Indulgent
— Controlled
Inhibited
— Relaxed
Insensitive
— Sensitive
Intolerant
— Loving
Irritable
— Tolerant
Isolated
— Social
Jealous
— Content
Lazy
— Industrious
Manipulative
— Accepting
Negative
— Optimistic
Neglectful
— Attentive
Obsessed
— Free
Opinionated
— Open
Overcautious
— Venturous
Passive
— Involved
Perfectionistic
— Realistic
Pessimistic
— Optimistic
Preoccupied
— Sensitive
Procrastinating
— Reliable
Proud
— Humble
Quarrelsome
— Cooperative
Rebellious
— Lawful
Reckless
— Cautious
Resentful
— Forgiving
Rude
— Polite
Sarcastic
— Nice
Secretive
— Open
Self-centered
— Extroverted
Self-doubting
— Confident
Self-hating
— Self-liking
Selfish
— Generous
Self-pitying
— Outgoing
Self-seeking
— Helpful
Shy
— Assertive
Snobbish
— Tolerant
Stingy
— Giving
Stubborn
— Willing
Submissive
— Assertive
Superficial
— Trusting
Thin-skinned
— Accepting
Thoughtless
— Considerate
Timid
— Bold
Uncritical
— Analytical
Undependable
—Dependable
Unemotional
— Involved
Unfriendly
— Friendly
Unrealistic
— Realistic
Unscrupulous
— Honest
Unstable
— Steady
Vague
— Specific
Vain
— Modest
Vindictive
— Forgiving
Vulgar
— Considerate
Withdrawn
— Outgoing
Workaholic
— Moderate
So, what are your top five or ten, and
do people who know you agree with that assessment? Next, for a moment, ignore
the left hand list of defects and just read down the list of character assets.
Does this sound so awful? Is this really a difficult and impossible task? Do
you like people who show these characteristics? Are you willing to be this kind
of person? Which is more likely to lead back to addiction, the defects or the
assets?
For Ourselves
These
words in Step Four are important because they imply the selfish goal of
learning more about you. Many times I’ve had addicts in treatment tell me they
thought they could publish their stories either for the benefit of others or
for fame, profit and glory. In fact, stories of alcoholics, drug users and
gamblers are popular subjects for books and movies. The question to ask
yourself is about what is good for you and for your recovery. The inflated ego
of some addicts is often one of the character defects that led to trouble in
the past. Most stories by addicts are amazingly similar, but the tendency is to
see your own story as special and unique. I would suggest this rule: don’t plan
on trying to publish your story of addiction until you have a good recovery
story to add. Put in three to five years of good recovery time and then see if
publishing your history is still attractive.
Sharing the inventory
Well,
if publication to a wide audience is not a good idea for the person early in
recovery, who gets to see your written inventory? First of all, you do.
Hopefully, you will learn a lot more about you in the process, and you will re-read
it often. Family members are probably not the best people with whom to share
your inventory/life story, although there can be important exceptions I remember a man who came to treatment, wrote
a great short autobiography and inventory, and then happened to die of a heart
attack shortly after he returned home. His wife wrote to me to ask for the
document saying that he had told her about writing it and that she wanted her
three children to have this little piece of their father to read in the future.
I
think sponsorship is a wonderful way of developing a close relationship with a
fellow recovering addict, and the sponsor is the first reader after you. That
person, in fact, may have had a directing role in your development of the inventory
and he/she may have suggestions for revisions or re-writing. I have known
people who, as a token of their new life free of addiction, burned the
inventory or a copy of it when it was finished.
One
thing to be very careful of is allowing free circulation of your inventory
among others. This is personal and sensitive material. You would not want
employers or co-workers reading your most personal details. Think long and
carefully before you publish or circulate your personal information, and never
do it to flatter your ego or capitalized on what is, after all, the common
human fault of addiction. These days it is important to remember than anything
you send over the Internet is basically open to eyes other than the ones
intended. Be very careful of all Internet communications about personal data.
If
you’ve taken this chapter seriously, you already have accomplished lots of
thinking and writing, so I have few suggestions or assignments here. Of course,
it might we helpful to write about your feelings once you have finished and
given the inventory to a sponsor or therapist. Did doing that make a
difference?
Some
things to think and write about:
·
How have the character defects you listed played into your
addiction?
·
How would the corresponding assets help with abstinence?
·
How will friends and relatives take your changes in
character as you make them over time?
·
Are there important people who will resist and resent the
changes you need to make?
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