Once again it’s time for the annual Mount Perry Rhinoceros Rodeo. The entire town is aglitter with preparations for this gala event. Our intrepid big game hunter, Mr. I. Katchum has E-Mailed us from deep in darkest Africa about his efforts to find stock for this years event. His E-mail informs us he has about sixty healthy Rhinoceros ready for shipment to Mount Perry, Florida, for this years festivities. Naturally, this is good news for one and all. As always the event will be held at the huge Mount Perry Sports Stadium and Gladiatorial Arena.
The live Rhinos will air shipped to the Mount Perry International Airport, then they will be kept at the vast, Mount Perry Game Park, until it’s time for them to be prepared for the Rodeo. While at the game park they will be allowed to graze peacefully on the many hectares of prime, verdant pasture land. We keep this land perfectly manicured just for the Rhinos. By the time they get here the grass will be sweet and tasty.
The Rhinos will get a daily bath and massage by the Mount Perry, town Idiot, Yodar Hoopelhoffer. Yodar has kindly volunteered his time and effort again this year especially for this event. After what happened to Yodar last year, we all sincerely hope he recovers from this years mutilation in time to watch the Rodeo from the grand stands, instead of on a TV in a hospital bed.
As he tried to give the first Rhinoceros its massage, the creature turned on him. The TV account of what happened to Yodar during the next few minutes is rated “R”. Viewers under the age of 27 may only watch if their parents are present.
At this point, no one is quite clear on his motive for volunteering again this year. It is thought by many, the designation “Town Idiot”, may have something to do with it. Still, one must admire the mans public spiritedness.
The residents of Mount Perry take great pride in pointing out, we use exotic animals in our rodeo instead of the more mundane creatures like horses and bulls. Of course, there was the time earlier on in the history of Mount Perry, when there was an Alligator Rodeo. We tend to avoid speaking of this event, never mentioning anything about it unless someone else brings the subject up.
It took many years to convince the worlds animal riders there would no longer be live wild alligators in the chutes, and or hysterical fans expecting them to be ridden. It’s a part of Mount Perry’s history we’d very much like to forget for, obvious reasons.
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By the time of the rodeo riders get here this year, our rhinos should be fat, sassy and ready for action. As always, the water they are given to drink, will be liberally laced with healthy vitamins and minerals, designed to make this years rhinos the best yet. We hasten to point out the rhinos will not be allowed to become complacent. This would never do.
This year, the rhinos will be herded together a few days before the rodeo and kept in small confining pens where they will be deviled by children with sharp pointed sticks and yard men with electric shock sticks. We are not being cruel to the rhinos, we know their skin is thick and tough. The children will not be able to do more to the creature, than be annoying. The electrical shock sticks are expected to do little more than be tickle or be annoying at the very most. With a little effort you can almost picture the electric shock sticks tickling the rhinos and the rhinos rolling all over on the ground giggling hysterically.
The reason we annoy them for a day or so is to make them alert and aggressive. After all, who wants to watch a cowboy ride a fat, sluggish, mild mannered rhino out of the chute on Rodeo Day? The whole event is designed for action and danger. Danger and excitement are what we intend to supply in great quantity, to the many tourists who will visit our fair town on Rodeo Day.
The day before the rodeo, the rhinos are fed a meal of gun powder, beans and Cayenne pepper. The rhinos will then be rated on a danger scale, by the amount of this diet they consume and by the size of their distended bellies.
A few years ago, after eating a tremendous amount of this diet, one rhino actually became airborne, when a careless spectator lit a cigarette while standing behind the animal. The now deflated Rhino, is expected to reenter Earth’s atmosphere in another year or so.
When interviewed after launching the rhino, the now naked, completely hairless and somewhat scorched spectator was heard to say, “I knew smoking was bad for you, — but isn’t this carrying things a bit too far?”
This was also the only year the round eyed, terrified and somewhat speechless riders, had to be tied to their mounts. Naturally, at the end of the timed ride the gates at the far end of the Rodeo grounds are opened. The rhinoceros is allowed to escape out into the swamp to live out the rest of it’s life in peace and quiet. Some of the riders from this event have yet to be heard from since they vanished into the swamp still tied to their mounts. We all hope they are well and wish them the very best.
Applicants wishing to enroll as a rider in this event, as in the past, should be address their requests to, The Mount Perry Mental Health Agency, 101 North Jefferson Street, Mount Perry, Florida 06660, or by E-MAIL to . If you’d really like to ride a rhinoceros as described above, this agency would like to hear from you. All letters and interviews will be kept private under the Doctor Patient Privileged Information Law.
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