That's right! I'm back! And what's more I think I'm getting the hang of this whole horoscope thing.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be the world's foremost internet-based monkey astrologer, but (unless you know another one) I've done it.
Mrs. Monkey is so proud!
ARIES (21 March 20 April)
The rings of Saturn will converge while you're watching an episode of Friends, bringing the sudden realisation that "No one told you life was gonna be this way, your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A." Try not to cry.
TAURUS (21 April 21 May)
You have a 1 in 10 chance of having sex this week. Less if you live somewhere cold.
GEMINI (22 May 21 June)
Don't count your chickens before they hatch this week. In fact don't count chickens at all, it's boring and not a good way to meet people.
CANCER (22 June 23 July)
Recent events may have given you itchy feet. I'm not a doctor (I'm a monkey) but it's probably a fungal infection. Buy some powder.
LEO (24 July 23 August)
Once again, you won't win the lottery. You won't win next week either.
VIRGO (24 August 23 Septemer)
The ascent of Venus will bring an upturn in your romantic fortunes. Unless you're really, really ugly. I do astrology, not miracles.
LIBRA (24 September 23 October)
As part of a controversial initiative by The Cheers editorial staff, all Librans will be hunted down and killed this week. This will open up some advertising space in the next issue. To advertise in the space formerly known as LIBRA (24 September - 23 October) please contact thecheers@thecheers.org
SCORPIO (24 October 22 November)
One of you lucky Scorpios will sleep with ample-bosomed celebrity Jordan this week. This has nothing to do with astrology, it's just the law of averages. Remember to take precautions.
SAGITTARIUS (23 November 21 December)
You will not be the first man in space this week. You're at least fifty years too late, and monkeys were there first anyway. (well done Russian space monkey, you are in our hearts).
CAPRICORN (22 December 20 January)
The moon's proximity to Mars means that a visit to a Chinese restaurant will result in you taking a fortune cookie far too seriously. Remember that they're mass-manufactured, not handwritten just for you. What? Did you think they have a team of dedicated Chinese philosophers working away in the back? Exactly.
AQUARIUS (21 Janary 19 February)
It will not be your birthday this week.
PISCES (20 Febrary 20 March)
To save water remember this rhyme: "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." Me & Mrs. Monkey swear by it.
And there you go. Next week I'll be turning my talents to Euro 2004...
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Monkey is a (very) amateur astrologist/horoscopist and cannot be held responsible for actions you take based on his advice. And if I see any of you Gemenis counting chickens then God help you.
Politics
Factzone: The truth about Kim Jong Il
Kim Jong Il, the leader of the free world, has decided to move on to more fertile grounds, leaving with us just the memories of 8-color rainbows, singing Korean women and couple of nuclear weapons. But who was this man whose next ambition would have been to get the next Nobel Peace prize? Here are just a few facts you should know about.
more
Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Related to John F. Kennedy's Assassination
26.Aug 2011
Since just after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theories abou...read
ISRAEL KEEPING GHADDAFI AFLOAT
10.Mar 2011
...read
Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ!
10.Mar 2011
Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and m...read
Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!)
28.Feb 2011
Rebellion is cooking in the air. People are mad as hell, and not going to take...read
Opinion
World governments charged with criminal negligence (in response to Megaupload case)
EARTH (thecheers.org) - Federal authorities of the universe have charged the governments of all the countries in the world as well as the operators actually in power in these countries with operating a criminal enterprise, the Galaxy warriors announced Today.
more
The Great OSCARS 2011 – or so it would seem
5.Mar 2011
So, how exciting......a morning off, the Academy Awards. I wish I could say the...read
Top 7 Expensive Bordellos. Prostitution: Shakedown, Tier Down, and Priced Out
31.Jan 2011
According to a report of the Washington DC-based US Department of State, The Ph...read
The Great Secret and Reason for the JFK Assassination
11.Oct 2010
The great question is why the great secret? On June 4 1963, President Kennedy s...read
Don't Do it! The 3 Worst Times to Get Tattoos
4.Oct 2010
As a general rule, tattoos gotten after 2 am are a bad idea. But in a bigger pi...read
|
Travel
Travel Warning 13 September 2010 - DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN
13.Sep 2010
TRAVELWISE has been watching the situation in Iran for some months in relation ...read
more
TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL.
5.Jun 2010
Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read
TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES
16.Apr 2010
Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read
TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA.
5.Apr 2010
Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read
TRAVELWISE 2 APRIL 2010. QANTAS.
2.Apr 2010
Some concerns have been raised in relation to some of the maintenance practices...read
No Payoff From the Playoffs
$16.50 will Get Anyone in the Hall Mr McGwire
Stupid Athlete Tricks
Think Big! Think the World's Largest International Trade Show
Top 9 cool laptop accessories for laptop geeks
Twittering: I'm not that interesting
Cheers
|
