Adults who loose their parents are known as adult orphans. Today there are increasing numbers of support websites aimed at adult orphans who feel the loss acutely, finding themselves ‘alone’ in this world. No matter the kind of relationship one has with their parents, It is comforting knowing that there is an older, if not wiser person who has a love for us that is unconditional. Even if that relationship is inconsistent there is a certain type of solace derived from even the mere existence of parent/s. So what becomes of the adult orphan? Suddenly they are alone, without the comfort of parental existence.
Thursday February 15 2007 marked a bittersweet day for me. I arrived back to Perth, Australia from London, with my partner, excited at the prospect of summer, ocean, friends and family. However, the reason for my return home: my mother’s unexpected hospitalisation. Only 49 years old, she died 16 hours after I arrived home. The death of a parent can vary in extremity, but the death of a youthful parent with so much yet to live for and for no particular reason leaves a confused angry adult orphan.
My mum had an acute asthma attack, her throat closed up, she was given an emergency tracheotomy and adrenalin but she was still without oxygen for 40 minutes – she was at her boyfriend’s 50th birthday in Yanchep, about an hour from Perth city.
“Oxygen deprivation lasting longer than five to ten minutes can be fatal. Almost all persons surviving five minutes or more of complete oxygen depravation sustain permanent brain damage”
(BrainInjury.com, J.N. Walton, 1994).
Being without oxygen for 40 minutes meant that mum did not have severe brain damage, she was brain dead. CAT scans revealed no brain activity; she would not be waking up, ever.
Seeing your loved one with a tube down their throat forcing them to breath, their tongue pale, their mouth slack and their eyes closed, lashes covered with clear balm to maintain eye moisture, is the single most painful experience I have ever encountered. When my partner and I walked into her hospital room we collapsed into tears, shocked at the sight of my vibrant mother reduced to a saggy puddle, covered with tubes, stiches and bruises. Someone had plaited her greying hair – I left for London months before and she had not found a replacement colourist – which seemed ludicrous. My mum smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish and rode an enormous blue motorbike. She was not a plait kind of woman. Suffice to say, I removed the plait immediately, brushing her hair down around her face like she used to wear it.
There were many tears, hugs and words of comfort to be had between my family, her friends and her boyfriend over the course of that Thursday. My partner and I spent much of the day by her side, saying goodbye, having accepted the inevitable that no one else really had. My brothers were still hoping and praying she would wake up. I’d been steeling myself for her death already, in London, when I heard that she’d been without oxygen for 40 minutes.
At 10.55pmThursday 15 February 2007 my mum slipped away, her blood pressure had been dropping steadily for the past few hours. Everyone said it was as though she had been waiting for me to arrive home before letting go. She was not alone when she passed, her boyfriend held one hand, her close friend the other. She had another friend stroking her hair and more sitting at the edge of her bed. I am thankful for that. My partner and I arrived at 11.15pm to find her room full of close friends, drinking a champagne toast to my mum and listening to Santana. I held her hand, stroked her hair and drank straight from the communal champagne bottle.
By midnight the friends had slowly drifted home and I asked for my partner to take a friend home so I could have some time alone with mum. I crawled onto her hospital bed and nestled myself on her belly like I used to as a child. I lay there crying and talking to her, eventually exhausting myself and falling asleep. My partner woke me at 2am, we said our final goodbyes and left the hospital. I cherish that time I had to say goodbye to mum, falling asleep on her tummy like I have done a thousand times gave me a certain peace.
What you don’t see in the movies or read in books when someone dies is their colourless lips, icy skin, their body so slack and heavy and their mouth hanging open revealing a pale lifeless tongue. I kept trying to close my mum’s mouth; she would have hated the indecency of her appearance. By 2am her jaw was stiff and she didn’t smell like mum anymore.
“When someone's heart stops pumping blood around their body, the tissues and cells are deprived of oxygen and rapidly begin to die. The intestines are packed with millions of micro-organisms that don't die with the person. These organisms start to break down the dead cells of the intestines, while some, especially bacteria called clostridia and coliforms, start to invade other parts of the body.At the same time the body undergoes its own intrinsic breakdown under the action of enzymes and other chemicals which have been released by the dead cells. The decomposing tissues release green substances and gas which…and also gives off a terrible smell as gases such as hydrogen sulphide (rotten egg smell), methane and traces of mercaptans are released.”
(Dr Trisha Macnair, BBC Health)
[BB]
Over the next two weeks my partner and I took on the bulk of organizing a cremation and memorial for mum. I had no idea there were so many details to consider: funeral director, celebrant, flowers, speakers, venue, memorabilia, photographs, music, slide show, cremation, the wake and remembrance bookmarks for attendees. And that was only the beginning. There are mountains of your loved ones paperwork to sort out – bills to be paid, accounts to be cancelled or changed, companies and friends to inform of the death, assets to list and take action against, death certificates, funeral director payment and application for Pro Bate - “a judicial certificate saying that a will is genuine and conferring on the executors the power to administer the estate.” (www.ask.com)
Even after the memorial service and the wake I found myself spending much time taking care of my family, mum’s friends and her affairs with the assistance of her executor. Now I have returned to London, an angry, confused adult orphan. Apparently I am supposed to get on with my life – go to work, live life for her, do what would make her proud and so on. But even with all the love and support of my friends and family, I have lost my closest friend, my mum and the person I hold dearest in my heart. What can make me forget that? Or move past that?
I do take solace in something she used to tell me, however. “At the end of person’s life, their body should be thoroughly used up and worn out, we should all arrive at the pearly gates with a glass of wine in one had, a big slice of chocolate cake in the other and a cigarette in mouth saying ‘what a ride!’”
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luci says on 2011-06-25 20:27:24 about adult orphans
You are so lucky to have had the opportunity to be with your mum before she died. My mum was in ICU for a week, my sister removed my name as next of kin and took everything of value from her house, apparently my mum spent her last night alive ringing around to see who had her purse, while my sister emailed six large cartoons that caused my server to crash 3 times, but no mention of mum in hospital.
Its 3 years later and I still feel pain and hurt that my mother died and I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her, hurt that my sister a devout Opus Dei, didn't tell me if my mum left a message for me instead made me feel as if I meant nothing to mum.
I gave mum the best funeral service, saying 22 things like 'she would give you the soles of her feet, if you asked for them' instead my sister couldn't think of anything good to say about mum.
The way mum died alone, the suffering, will stay with me for the rest of my life, there are times when I don't feel life has been worth living it is an act of faith but not in a religion.
luci says on 2011-06-25 20:24:59 about adult orphans
You are so lucky to have had the opportunity to be with your mum before she died. My mum was in ICU for a week, my sister removed my name as next of kin and took everything of value from her house, apparently my mum spent her last night alive ringing around to see who had her purse, while my sister emailed six large cartoons that caused my server to crash 3 times, but no mention of mum in hospital.
Its 3 years later and I still feel pain and hurt that my mother died and I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her, hurt that my sister a devout Opus Dei, didn't tell me if my mum left a message for me instead made me feel as if I meant nothing to mum.
I gave mum the best funeral service, saying 22 things like 'she would give you the soles of her feet, if you asked for them' instead my sister couldn't think of anything good to say about mum.
This will stay with me for the rest of my life, there are times when I don't feel life has been worth living it is an act of faith but not in a religion.
luci says on 2011-06-25 20:24:03 about adult orphans
You are so lucky to have had the opportunity to be with your mum before she died. My mum hung was in ICU for a week, my sister removed my name as next of kin and took everything of value from her house, apparently my mum spent her last night alive ringing around to see who had her purse, while my sister emailed six large cartoons that caused my server to crash 3 times, but no mention of mum in hospital.
Its 3 years later and I still feel pain and hurt that my mother died and I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her, hurt that my sister a devout Opus Dei, didn't tell me if my mum left a message for me instead made me feel as if I meant nothing to mum.
I gave mum the best funeral service, saying 22 things like 'she would give you the soles of her feet, if you asked for them' instead my sister couldn't think of anything good to say about mum.
This will stay with me for the rest of my life, there are times when I don't feel life has been worth living it is an act of faith but not in a religion.
tsupshaw says on 2010-11-20 13:06:16 about losing both parents
I just read your article and I lost both my parents within the last 13 months. It feels like someone cut my legs from underneath me...
The Black Baby Friday says on 2010-10-25 02:23:51 about Alone/Scared
I lost my grandfather (2002) grandmother (2005) mother (2003) and a five year old son (2009). I have no husband and one son who is 12. I have no aunts, uncles, cousins and it seems my father's side of the family don't want to know me. So I guess I am surfing the web trying to find out what to do next. Though honestly, I am tired of losing people and don't really want to invest time with them anymore. Those around me when I lost my family were also very destructive and hurtful, which made a bad time, even more horrendous. Also I am almost 50 and wondering about retirement, and what will happen to my one remaining son when I go. I also know that many people knew this would happen, and prevented me from having more children. This is so so mean !!!
BLESSY says on 2010-01-05 06:50:09 about BEING ORPHAN
DEAR SIR / MA'M,
THIS IS BLESSY FROM INDIA, AGED AROUND 27 YRS. OLD IS TURNED AS BOTH MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER HIS FAMILY IS KILLED BY WITCHCRAFT PRACTICE HERE AT WARANGAL -150 KMS. FROM HYDERABAD. I DON'T KNOW NOW WHAT TO DO? I AM JOBLESS AND NOT MARRIED ? I am all alone and dying in India for no reason. Sleeping at india's railway stns. bus stations etc. just on road life as everyone ragged even at job without paying me salary. PL. DO HELP ME from anybody from any part of the world in any way. MAIL ME AT jesusdisciplerajini@yahoo.com. and also pl. call at 91-9441939296.
GBMS says on 2009-08-27 12:58:41 about Not alone
Look at the sky. We are not alone. The whole universe is friendly to us and conspires only to give the best to those who dream and work.
Dotzumi says on 2009-03-24 16:00:22 about adult orphans
Fri. March 20, 2009 I became an adult orphan. Divorced for almost 30 yrs, no children, nieces, cousins, aunts, uncles, just a ""distant" 5 yr. younger brother who hasn't been seen in almost 5 years..... I am grateful for the many friends who are trying to be supportive.... I never expected to be feeling this way or so alone and empty.
anon. says on 2008-10-22 18:57:59 about
I'm sorry for your loss, I lost my dad in02 mom in 2003, and am 1 of five with a terminally sick oldest sibling. And i work at a cemetery.
trish13 says on 2008-10-09 00:19:05 about adult orphans
Today i buried my mother who was terminally ill. I lost my father 13 years ago. I know I have this dreadful aloneness. I have 2 sibs, 1 children and a lot of other family. But--There is something so gut wrenching when you lose those 2 people who loved you from the moment they saw you. I'm glad to have a term for it "adult orphan." I think this will help in my healing process. thanks for sharing your story.
AllAlone says on 2008-05-02 14:44:48 about Family death
I can totallyconnect with the author of his personal experience. I have lost both of my parents and both of my siblings, leaving me an adult orphan. I have no one to share memories with, no one to share my christmas or thanksgiving table with, no birthdays to celebrate. How does one cope without anyone at all?
Panda says on 2008-03-01 15:05:59 about
I just finished reading this article and it pleases me to see someone so honest about the death of their parent. So many people try to cover it up and lessen the struggle, I feel that doing so sometimes makes the bereaved feel ashamed of their feelings. I lost my father in September of this year. Like Michelle's mother, my father was much too young to have passed. I am grateful for her honesty and courage. My father's deceased body was the most horrific thing I had ever seen and too few people seem to grasp the situation because they try to sugar coat it with cliches.
Panda says on 2008-03-01 15:05:52 about
I just finished reading this article and it pleases me to see someone so honest about the death of their parent. So many people try to cover it up and lessen the struggle, I feel that doing so sometimes makes the bereaved feel ashamed of their feelings. I lost my father in September of this year. Like Michelle's mother, my father was much too young to have passed. I am grateful for her honesty and courage. My father's deceased body was the most horrific thing I had ever seen and too few people seem to grasp the situation because they try to sugar coat it with cliches.
Panda says on 2008-03-01 15:05:06 about
I just finished reading this article and it pleases me to see someone so honest about the death of their parent. So many people try to cover it up and lessen the struggle, I feel that doing so sometimes makes the bereaved feel ashamed of their feelings. I lost my father in September of this year. Like Michelle's mother, my father was much too young to have passed. I am grateful for her honesty and courage. My father's deceased body was the most horrific thing I had ever seen and too few people seem to grasp the situation because they try to sugar coat it with cliches.
kbear says on 2008-01-25 05:43:38 about adult orphans
I just read michelles touching tribute to her mum, i was looking up Adult Orphans, as a friend who has just lost both her parents had recommended I do so. She is the first in our 'set' of friends to have lost her parents and i think she feels very lost and misunderstood, she is a vibrant, outspoken and strong person and yet it took her legs from under her when they died - I think i have gained a greater understanding of just how lost she feels at time from reading these articles and I am very glad that they are of such comfort to people like her who can't always open up about how they feel but are never the less in torment many months or years after their parents death.
kbear says on 2008-01-25 05:42:21 about adult orphans
I just read micheles touching tribute to her mum, i was looking up Adult Orphans, as a friend who has just lost both her parents had recommended I do so. She is the first in our 'set' of friends to have lost her parents and i think she feels very lost and misunderstood, she is a vibrant, outspoken and strong person and yet it took her legs from under her when they died - I think i have gained a greater understanding of just how lost she feels at time from reading these articles and I am very glad that they are of such comfort to people like her who can't always open up about how they feel but are never the less in torment many months or years after their parents death.
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