Step 5.Admit to our Group, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
If loneliness
is your problem, confession may be a solution. There’s nothing like
holding secrets to shut you off from others. Leading an open life in
which there is no deception or deliberate lying takes practice and
courage. On the other hand, although honesty is vital, impulsive
confessions can be harmful. You need to be very careful about what to
admit or confess as well as to whom you make the confession, but it
needs to be done.
Confession has
been used for centuries in religious practice, and the purpose there is
to be open with God. This is done by way of someone sanctified by the
church to hear confession. Confessing to a trusted person produces a
great feeling of relief and sometimes the warmth of social approval.
Other than producing a feeling of guilt relief, little else may be
accomplished although good advice is often forthcoming from a cleric or
counselor. The church penalties are often light, confessions are
repeated as needed and little about life is changed. So, at the
beginning of this discussion, let’s be clear: as used in Step Five,
admitting the exact nature of our wrongs in the recovery process has little to do with religion and everything
to do with learning a new way of life. If you’ve had a secret addictive
life in the past, it will be hard to learn the habits of openness.
What to confess
As a general
rule, you will need to be able to discuss freely those things directly
related to addiction that you have been keeping to yourself in order to
protect the addiction. You admit to an understanding person or audience
what you have been doing to protect and promote your addiction or
addictions.
There are
probably many things in the past you regret or feel you have done that
are wrong, but in a self-help recovery group it is a good plan to stick
with addiction related wrongs. Because of an alcohol, drug or gambling
addiction, did you steal, commit crimes, become unfaithful to a spouse,
or cheat on taxes? Subject to some cautions in the next paragraph,
these are the things you need to share with a group of recovering
addicts. They will understand since many of them have done the same
kinds of things.
What not to confess
Do not admit
to crimes for which you could still be prosecuted; that’s a subject to
discuss with a lawyer. Telling such things to a recovery room does not
fix the problem if you have unfinished business with the law. Do not
admit to dishonest actions or wrongs committed in the past that have
nothing to do with addiction. Maybe you stole candy from a store when
you were a kid. A lot of people did that, and unless you sold to it buy
drugs it just wastes the group’s time talking about such things. Be
careful in confessing thought crimes such as, “I’d really like to kill
that boss of mine some day.” There is no problem in talking about
negative thoughts and feelings, but avoid specific items that could be
seen as threats.
Unless you are
in a group that works on sex and love addiction, it is probably not
necessary to admit to marital infidelity unless, to repeat myself, this
is somehow directly related to your addiction. Save that for marriage
counseling if need be.
Avoid any
temptation to wallow in guilt. This is not a contest to see who was the
worst offender. Stick to the facts, plain and simple.
When to confess
I suggest you follow your sponsor’s advice about when to tell your story.Some
groups encourage a person to start telling their story at their first
meeting, and I think this is unwise. Admit to having a problem if asked
in the group, but don’t start saying much more than that until you feel
comfortable in the group and have a sponsor. Take time to plan what you
want to say. Follow some notes on cards if that helps and avoid the
temptation to get into areas unrelated to your addiction(s).
Where to confess
Review what
you plan to say with a trusted sponsor before you cover Step 8 in front
of the group. If necessary, remind the group that there is to be no
recording or note taking, and that what is said in the room must not be
repeated to anyone outside the group.
To Whom to confess
Wrongs
committed in service to an addiction can be described to your group.
Other kinds of misdeeds can be admitted to a professional counselor and
sometimes, when appropriate, to an attorney. The goal here is personal
therapy. Remember that the place to admit to any crime for which you
might yet be prosecuted is in your attorney’s office. Resist any
impulse to go to the nearest police station and admit crimes without an
attorney. This is not good for recovery and you might regret that for
years to come. In talking with a professional counselor you usually
have an ear you can trust to keep your counsel and a person who can
help with your personal growth, but even here it is legally binding on
a counselor to report to the authorities any harm or damage you may be
planning to commit against another person. So, give up any plans for
violent revenge and learn to forgive enemies. Forgiveness is an
important part of recovery.
Here are some discussion or writing ideas for exploring Step Five on your own:
What is an open life and how might such a life help with long-term recovery?
An addict recalls times when he was a school yard bully and now feels badly about that. Where can he/she best discuss this?
Let’s say Henry sold a few drugs or other illegal merchandise and used the money for gambling. Where should this be discussed?
Henry was also a pimp for several women. He regrets this and wants to discuss it. Where should he bring this up?
A
member of your twelve step group uses every chance he can to talk about
all the bad things an addiction led him to do. How do you deal with
this?
You
once robbed a convenience store and were never caught. Is it important
that you deal with this old crime, and how do you go about doing so?
How far do you think you can really go in living a completely open life?
Saving the Tigers from extinction It was a hurriedly organized citizen’s meeting at Guwahati Press Club, where serious concerns were expressed at the increasing trend of poaching and killing of wildlife in various parts of Assam.
The EIP factor - what you should learn from it When we grow older, or get older for the sake of the argument, we tend to start seeing the world only from one side. We tend to believe, no, not believe but know, how things are done. If you are smart, you understand that it shouldn't be that way, you understand this is wrong.
Whether we want to admit it or not, even now, in year 2012, there are still big gender biases in some fields of life. While it's generally understandable that men should do more heavy lifting than women and knitting fits a bit better for the women (even though I am aware even here there are many people who want to disagree), art is one of those things where our gender really should not play any significant role at all. And within the past decade things have started to change even on this front and even on the more conservative arenas such as Bukowskis - the top Nordic auction house.
