Job App: Structural Engineer

Dear Engineering Manager:

My name is Ted Goldengate, and I would like to apply for the job of structural engineer that you have on the Web. Your ad is a godsend. You won't believe what happened.

I was planning on going into bid'ness with my cousin. She's a fine lady. But that whole arrangement fell through, because she tried to buy some junk at Walmart with a million dollar bill. We found out Uncle Sam doesn't even make a million dollar bill. Who woulda guessed! They should at least put signs up. Like they do at the gas stations. No bills over $50,000. I don't think it's fair.

So me and her in the printing bid'ness is on hold -- at least 'til she gets out of prison. It's too bad. I coulda learned a lot. She's the smart one.

Anyway, I could be a great addition to your bid'ness. I promise not to be a subtraction. (ha ha -- get it? addition and subtraction? You know how math and engineering go together?)

I worked awhile as a carpenter and drywaller. That definitely did not suit me. What an annoying thing that job is. If you don't put up the wood and drywall just right, they end up back where they started. Dumb!

My cousin told me to tell you about the bridge I built. Now there's an accomplishment that will impress you. At first I got frustrated building the rascal. It was over my 3-foot wide pond in my back yard. The first time I walked on it -- boom. Right in the water. Fortunately, I had my carpentry and drywallery experience, which taught me to never give up, so I just got up and did it again. Three more times. Boom!

Then, I got to thinking, "What am I doing wrong here?" That's when it dawned on me. Nails.

And sure enough. Three more tries, and I could walk on it. Cool -- huh?!

Back to math, which you may remember I joked about earlier. I'm going to be serious this time. I know a lot of math. When my buddies were getting F's in school, I was pulling D's. So there's no question I'm equal (ho ho -- get it?) to the job. I could multiply (har har) the results of your division (oh, stop, you're killing me!).

Besides, I always figure if you've got a calculator with fresh batteries and a sharp pencil, how hard can it be?

I do have one concern. My cousin told me I don't act like an engineer. I don't know if that's true. Is it important for an engineer to have no personality? Or can a fun guy like me get on OK in the bid'ness? My thinking is that it's not a problem. I bet you're a lot more fun than your ad lets on.

Well, I look forward to hearing from you. I assume that will be Monday, so I'm going to spend this weekend redoing my bridge, just to see what I can do. I'm betting I can get it to support both me and my wife, a real challenge at her size.

Arithmetically,

Ted Goldengate

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