After lining her eyes with Kajal (inner eyeliner), she stood staring at
herself in the mirror. I knew what she was thinking. Once again, she
would have to go though it. She would have to go and sit with people
who would judge her for everything she says and does in those brief 10
minutes, and if she's lucky, this time it might go well. Not that this
process will end, but maybe she will finish this meeting without being
told her complexion is not fair enough to be worthy of marriage with
their son.
My aunt came in and told her this would be a good
time to come. She pulled her Dupatta, a scarf, over her head. She
squeezed my hand and walked out. She was 27 and now the hopes of her
being selected as the bride was getting less and less likely. She had
been doing this for almost 10 years. As of today she is still unmarried
and no longer desires to get married. The concept of arranged marriage
in India is centuries old.
The tradition that not only proves
that you have no control over your own life but also rubs your face in
the hard fact that some strangers are going to decide it. It still
happens, even though it is 2004. Let's look at the story from the young
man's point of view. I know this guy who completed his degree in
Computer Science at a respectable university and got a good job.
His
parents decided he was ready to get married. So, they put an
advertisement in the matrimonial column of a leading newspaper. "Wanted
bride: Looking for a slim, fair, tall, graduate in engineering or
medicine. Non-graduates will be considered only if they have a GREEN
CARD or Citizenship to USA. For 26/Engineer." Notice how extensive the
description of the young man is! So now the hunt begins and phone calls
pour in to the mother.
The first question she will ask is how
tall is she, what is her colouring? She will just write down the
numbers of the people who say their daughters are fair, slim and tall.
She will highlight the numbers of the girls who are graduates in a
professional field. Its Saturday evening and the mother has made five
appointments. She steps into the first house. Amazing house,
breathtaking dcor and the humble mother. She talks about good "Seema,"
who can cook and keep house.
The mother of the engineer,
without any hesitation, scans the room she is in. Suddenly, she
interrupts Seemas mother and asks her to call her daughter. Seemas
mother gives an embarrassed smile and as she leaves the room she begins
to worry. Did I talk too much? She comes back into the room with Seema,
who is holding a huge tray filled with an assortment of desserts. In
her head the engineers mother runs through her checklist. Seema is
tall, good, she is fair, also good, but she looks a little fat. The
engineers mother asks Seema where she attended college.
As she
serves the food, Seema replies. Expensive school, the engineers mother
thinks. A good dowry is definitely a possibility here! Then, she
decides its time to leave, telling Seema and her mother on the way out,
"It was good to see you, but dont feel bad if things dont work out."
The engineers mother visits all five houses, and finally decides on a
girl who is not so fair, not so tall, not so slim, and not even a
graduate, but does hold a US green card.
The wedding is
arranged for weeks within the couples first meeting, but only after the
engineers mother has checked all the necessary documentation relating
to the green card. The brides mother tells the engineers mother that
she will give them 500 grams of 23-carat gold jewellery, and, of
course, all of her grandmothers diamonds.
A four bedroom fully
furnished flat will follow. The dowry, although important and implied,
is not mentioned openly.Women of Hyderabad, India, go through this
everyday. It will not change unless mothers, daughters and sons realize
that getting married is divine. Falling in love is a ride in the skies.
The union of a man and a woman in love is a taste of paradise. A woman
seeks stillness in her man and vice versa and no mother can choose that
woman or man or put a price on it.
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USA says on 2012-02-12 09:47:51 about OCZXmfnNZuDAajJ
wumQAk Internet is written with the capital letter in a sentence, by the way. And hundredths are written not with a point but with a comma. This is according to the standard. And actually everything is very good..!
USA says on 2012-02-12 08:46:44 about qRjMqZAkOrVur
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USA says on 2012-02-12 08:46:13 about SLGUaKGBLyNJZfE
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USA says on 2012-02-11 04:08:35 about dehhEPscCQdcysBJb
7vtmbA Thanks for all the answers:) In fact, learned a lot of new information. Dut I just didn`t figure out what is what till the end!....
LA says on 2010-12-05 04:07:41 about article
It was poorly written with lots of misprints. But it was the reality of indian society. It was also funny
GREEN CARD!!! lol
Indian girls try to manage to have green card, oterwise you won't be able to find any husband. lol
pRETTY pU$$Y says on 2008-09-30 17:51:28 about marriages
i think i am to sexy wanna try this
: ) says on 2008-03-24 11:00:27 about :P
how about an artcile on arranged marraiges ??
like am in depth one?? will help me lots on my homework
kait kait says on 2008-03-24 10:54:40 about dont worry my dear ferent
nice last paragraph, really summed the whole article up (Y)
Veena says on 2004-04-05 23:25:29 about My son wants to get married, so we are going window shopping for a wife
That was an excellent article Khadeja. It truly reflects the Indian society. Though many might deny, however smart a girl might be she has to go through all this. Excellent job.
Anonymous says on 2004-04-05 22:06:19 about My Opinion
I didn't think the article was all that well written. Even after being edited, it still had a few glaring grammatical errors. It moved from the perspective of the girl to the perspective of the man without a good means of transition. It has the potential to be a great story, but the way in which things were worded did not capture my attention. I'm fairly dissapointed that the story wasn't developed further.
Maybe I'm just tired of reading articles about India. I was under the impression that this was a variety newspaper, yet I've seen more articles about India and the middle east than I'd ever hope to have read in a lifetime. I'd like to see more work by authors who aren't Indian, or at least that aren't about India.
racheal says on 2004-04-05 04:34:14 about what else...joshi
well personally its kind of crazy for "joshi" to say that someone recording his or her life for the dual purposes of informing the ignorant and possibly some self healing can be any sort of wasted effort.
it's never a waste joshi, because, unlike you, not all of us know everything.
Hey, Khadeja? This is what great writers want...to get readers' blood flowing.
al says on 2004-04-05 04:11:53 about huh
you guys are nuts, seriously. it's an online newspaper and it went from a comment on the article to weird people commenting on the comments themselves. you might as well start instant messaging or something. i liked the article have a good night
VP says on 2004-04-03 01:36:00 about Answer to your message!
Oh Yes you can comment on someone's article but at least don't be mean and rude!! There is no use writing comments for people like Joshi who do not have the guts to do anything besides writing mean comments!
Check your spellings before you put up comments or has the spelling of "qoute" changed in your dictionary!! You are a good well wisher of Joshi..hahahahahaha
What the heck!! says on 2004-04-02 20:35:47 about To the well wisher
Hey well wisher, you your self have mentioned qoute " there is something called freedom of speech", so arent you violating Joshi's right!!.
Well I guess the writer does not have 30-40 well wishers like you....ha ha ha..
A Well Wisher! says on 2004-04-01 19:19:03 about How Pathetic!
Joshi how pathetic can you be!! Someone has written an article of course people will write their views which might not be acceptable to you or others...If the author had to get her well wishers to write I am sure you would have seen at least 30-40 comments!
Grow up..The author is putting her views on what happens in India that's it! There is something called freedom of speech..Let me see you write something!!
Joshi says on 2004-03-31 16:52:24 about Question?
Is this your own story? Well no one else could have written it so passionately. I strongly feel for you lady. If you are still not yet married let me know or if you are married please let us know whether you have gone through all of this. If not, well its very easy to sit and write. Its a different scenario out there.
I guess it will be better off if people stop writing articles like these and help those who are in need rather than to write on such matters.
Its so very easy said and done, but the ground reality is different and will take a lot of time to change. People sitting in front of the computers and making comments(including the author) do no service to the society. Infact I see half the comments being wriiten by some well wishers of the author who must be just congratulating the author rather than really worried about the situation.
Its a pity that a website tolerates someones desire who's aim is to pen his/her ideas and rank in some kudos from the well wishers.
If I were one well wisher, my comment would be " Great piece of work.. keep it up" enough for the writer to feel acknowledged for her pathetic work.
One comment on Mr/Miss cooooooo!!!!!: " Kawwa's donot live in water" and I guess there is no such saying and terming that as famous shows your love towards the author.
ITS time we get up and say what we have done personally to combat this issue rather than give some unwanted praise to someone who has no other work than to write such stupid articles..
Well I am sure the writer will have some one giving me back some comments, but I rather have people ponder over it than warm their seats to please the author.
Chears!!!!
Mojo says on 2004-03-31 16:52:22 about term paper
I'll have you know that I quoted you in a term paper for school!!
Your first footnote, I bet...
Great job
coooooollllll640 says on 2004-03-31 05:53:54 about did not expect it !!!!
hey khadeeja !!!! it was a great piece of work you have done. i never thought you can write this well !!!! i hope this will be a real eye opener for those who read this. i personally am very against it. i know how it feels to do the parade and get rejected. well !!!!! its so insane to ask for money for getting married. why ? because they have spent so much money in giving quality education to their son and so they want it to be repaid by the in-laws. there is a famous saying for this type of people "kawwa (crow) kitna bhi paani mein rahe kaala hi rehta hain" so getting education does not make one respected, respect is given to people who have good character !!!! these people are not worthy of that !!!!!!!!!
Rizvi says on 2004-03-30 22:30:07 about Bottom Line
The bottom line is that guys who take dowry are scared and spineless. They say to the girl if you don't bring anything my relatives will talk so you decide..they are scared to tell their folks "No I will not take anything" !!
The other side is that they are brought up in such a way that they will not go against their parents wish even if they believe in their hearts that they are wrong!! So people keep giving and taking dowry! They want young girls college going preferred even if the guy is above 30 and the one who gets the most in cash, gold and other stuff! That is how most of the marriages take place...Very sad!
Shobha says on 2004-03-30 22:13:21 about Interesting??
Well you say girls were not given a part of land and property that's where dowry came from then why do parents have to give cars, bungalows, cash etc they can give their daughters some gold to help them have a secure future and that's it. Parents literally help set up their daughter's home and when asked why are you giving dowry they will say "We are giving our daughter! So what will the husband do what is he earning for..Unless you build things for your own house you will never realise its value!
You talk about ALL India yes it happens but NOT the way it happens in Andhra!! Because guys from Andhra are in the US parents have to give cash anyway between 25-30 lakhs (approx 65000 US $) gold, land,etc etc. And on top of that once the girl comes to the US can they be sure there daughter is not been ill-treated...Dowry is still prevalent since people want to show off to the society and even if it means taking loans to make the jewellery etc parents do it. No one wants to raise a voice when they go through this instead write articles.
Can you justify that in your own small way Khadeja that you are eliminating the dowry system from India ? Are you just writing as a victim or you want to do something to eradicate this practice...
Dude says on 2004-03-30 21:17:48 about good one
interesting article...would like to read more articles on similar topics...keep up the good work
Fareeda says on 2004-03-30 20:39:32 about Good Work....
The article talks about the facts going on in many marriages ALL over India....... Well Neena, the concept of dowry came into existence with the idea that according to the traditional Hindu Law, the women were not allowed to inherit from land and property and dowry is interpreted as pre-mortem inheritance of the bride. I think since the author is talking about her experiences she did mention where it is predominant, but it does eliminate the fact that there are 1786 reported dowry deaths (according to Library of Congress), and the fact is, it is prevalent ALL over India.
Where did the idea of giving the son in law, money and property, come from? If its bribing, then yes it is bribing because lesser price will leave the woman unmarried!! Anyways, I am with you when you say every person should pledge that they would not be a part of it, in any form.
Hindustani says on 2004-03-30 20:31:34 about Chill Mr Indian
Hello Mr. Indian..
Don't take it so personally, chill okay. Your sentence "Overall the writeup has lot of grammatical errors which make us sit and wonder, Who the hell is the editor??" would grammatically be more correct if you wrote "Overall, the writeup has a lot of grammatical errors whoch makes us sit and wonder, who is the editor???".
Seems like you went through this agony personally, but relax. Yes the scenario is changing, and I believe that the writer doesn't want us to believe that its not. Its just a reflection and a dab at the state-of-current-affairs as far as I am concerned.
Fareeda says on 2004-03-30 20:30:17 about Good Work....
The article talks about the facts going on in many marriages ALL over India....... Well Neena, the concept of dowry came into existence with the idea that according to the traditional Hindu Law, the women were not allowed to inherit from land and property and dowry is interpreted as pre-mortem inheritance of the bride. I think since the author is talking about her experiences she did mention where it is predominant, but it does eliminate the fact that there are 1786 reported dowry deaths (according to Library of Congress), and the fact is, it is prevalent ALL over India.
Where did the idea of giving the son in law, money and property, come from? If its bribing, then yes it is bribing because lesser price will leave the woman unmarried!! Anyways, I am with you when you say every person should pledge that they would not be a part of it, in any form.
Indian says on 2004-03-30 19:53:02 about Its crap
The scenario in India is changing and I donot think what the writer wants us to believe is right. Overall the writeup has lot of grammatical errors which make us sit and wonder. WHO THE HELL IS THE EDITOR???
Shibz says on 2004-03-30 19:13:43 about Well written!!..
Great article!!..Does make you sit up and ponder, doesn't it? But its quite true, that the state of affairs of quite a lot of marraiges are as described to a large extent.
Most of the dowry culture, comes from the ancient Indian traditions, which has been adopted by some Muslims in India. Its extremely sad, that this exists, especially the dowry culture, but I think people are moving forward. From a guy's point of view, I think men, especially the ones with higher education are more self-dependant and it is fair to expect that they should be more open in their thoughts and rational in their beliefs and customs. Such guys should distance themselves from this ancient stereotype culture, even if they are under family pressure, but standing up to it, and rejecting such irrational and sad traditional and cultural propositions.
To an answer to the what the lady mentions in an earlier comment, I think, the reason parents try to bribe the guys, is because of the insecurities they face from the existing traditions and culture, and with a sense that they want to hold their head high among their own family by ensuring that they made all proper provisions for their daughter to a successful transition to a happy married life. The husbands can still reject it by making sure that they give back everything in kind, if insisted upon accepting the material goods.
Also, as far as I know, most Middle-class marraiges in North are done this way, so the question of North or South India doesn't really exist.
Neena says on 2004-03-30 16:35:11 about This is one aspect of marriages in India
Very well written article but it tells only one aspect of marriages in India which is more prevalent in Southern India. The new generation in India is get maried according to their own will by choicing their own life partners. Although what the author mentions here happens in a lot of homes.
People sell their daughters by bribing the guys with money. They say we are giving our daughter vessels, furniture, household stuff but they are actually giving dowry(the girl who gets more gets married to the guy). What is the husband going to do if the parents give everything. Can the author say that she has not been a part of this type of culture ? Unless each perosn pledges not to be a part of this way of life things will never change.
amina says on 2004-03-30 15:37:12 about
it was really a good article and i congratulate the writer for the wonderful job
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