Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy

Sing along, everybody!

With all the thoughts it could be thinkin', it could be another Lincoln....

If it only had a ploooooot...

Scare Crow

*

DVD

Written by

Emmanuel Itier

Directed by

Emmanuel Itier

Bill Cunningham

Cast

Tim Young .... Lester Dwervick

Todd Rex .... The Scarecrow

Tiffany Shepis .... Judy Patterson

Jen Richey .... Morgan

Roxanna Bina .... Stephanie

John Moore .... Chad

Jason Simon .... Eddie Barclay

Mark Irvingsen .... Farmer Hailey/Burt

Belinda Gavin .... Rhonda

Sonja Ecker .... Mrs. Melton

Armont Casale .... Mitch

Anthony C. Ferrante .... Jake

Skyler Caleb .... Tiger

Anil de Mello .... Greg

R

86 mins

So, anybody up for a good old fashioned round of "More of The Same?" No? Well, then you'd better not get your hands on a copy of Scare Crow, because that's exactly what it is.

Scare Crow can be summed up in one basic and heartbreakingly simple sentence: It's just a sloppy version of Eight Mile where Marshall dies and comes back as a homicidal scarecrow instead of becoming an iconic rapper.

Seriously, that's ALL.

The long and the short of this poor, sad wreckage is a sensitive, artistic young man (read: geek with the horrific name of Lester Dwervick) pursues from afar (obviously) a girl who is young, lovely, and athletically inclined (read: cheerleader, or girl who is so far out of his league it's like watching a sandlot team try to hit pitches in Fenway Park).

When our poor, sensitive, artistic young man can no longer take the abuse heaped on him by his schoolmates, his promiscuous skank of a mother, and pretty much everybody within a fifty foot radius of him at any given time, he turns to occult and bloodthirsty fantasies of revenge for solace.

Indignity after indignity follows until his death at the hands of the drunken redneck monster who was screwing his mother this week. But the FINAL indignity is when his death notice appears in the local paper, with the headline:

'Emerald Grove youth takes his own life--graduation proceeds as planned.'

Soon our sensitive, artistic young man returns from the dead in a puff of confusing backstory, and follows that up by chopping damn near everybody in sight by way of payback and possible sheer amusement as the ultra-evil and highly powerful 'Scare Crow.'

You know, this is how Columbine got started.

You'd figure that at least one of these kids would have one thought before they die, and realize that making fun of the geeks anymore is like buying a lottery ticket in the all-states Super Grim Reaper Lotto.

Thankfully, there's one brave soul willing to stand up on the poor guy's behalf, but she's frequently swatted down in cries of assorted vulgar synonyms for lesbian.

You know, there's a certain charm in this, as everyone who was ever mean to poor Lester finds a violent and nasty end. It is the very personification of simple justice. You can't help but feel bad for poor Lester (nor can you help referring to him as 'poor' Lester)--the movie is all but designed to evoke sympathy for him. It's as heavy-handed as Hellboy, but what can you do?

Expect a GOOD script, maybe? No, that's just far too much to expect.

Also, as if all this weren't bad enough, the Scare Crow favors PUNS when he kills.

The ending is even worse, folks...it slides off into this great literary mush, advancing what amounts to three endings. It's also dedicated to fifty dozen horror mavens, including Dario Argento, who is deemed 'Il Maestro.'.

This is quite possibly the biggest slap in the face to true horror fans out there.

For them to call DARIO ARGENTO the master proves the caliber of people we're dealing with. Argento hijacked the entire zombie genre from the 'Grand Old Man' himself, George Romero. Argento actually studied UNDER Romero, in widely acknowledged admissions. They call a THIEF the master and put HIS master in the small-font list of every horror writer and director they ever read after that.

But anyway...

Extra features include Spanish subtitles, a behind the scenes featurette, and an outtake reel. Plus, we get trailers for Scare Crow, a local version and an international version. We're EXPORTING this crap.

Now that's what I call an international incident....

So all in all, if you're desperate to see Tiffany Shepis (who's terribly hot, by the way, even with that bowl haircut she's wearing in this), or just another hack-n-slay-cut-n-paste horror flick, knock yourself out.

The more refined among you may prefer TO knock yourself out rather than sit through this formulaic garbage.

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