Wishmaster: The Prophecy Fulfilled

Wishmaster: The Prophecy Fulfilled

DVD

*1/2

Directed by

Chris Angel

Written by

Peter Atkins

John Benjamin Martin

Cast

John Novak .... Djinn

Tara Spencer-Nairn .... Lisa Burnley

Michael Trucco .... Steven Verdel

Jason Thompson .... Sam

Victor Webster .... Hunter

John Benjamin Martin .... Douglas Hollister

Kimberly Huie .... Tracy

Mariam Bernstein .... Jennifer

Well, here we go, folks...this is the end. The only end, my friend, and Artisan is taking us along for this particular apocalyptic ride. I'll tell you this much--you will never, NEVER, be so glad to see a quadrilogy end.

Okay, so what we've got here is the story of Djinn. Not genie, either. But DJINN. I know, I know--nitpick much? But still. Apparently we got part of the mythos right: anyone who manages to wake a Djinn gets three wishes.

This is, actually, a BAD THING.

"What?" you cry in mystified alarm. "How could such a thing be?"

Well, first off, these Djinn don't actually LIKE humans very much. Some ancient grudge or somesuch that I recall as actually being explained in prior titles, so you'll have to go there if you're truly desperate to learn just why anything so ugly could have a problem with US.

Should anyone actually manage to get wish number three over the plate and socked out of the equally proverbial ball park, all hell breaks loose.

Not precisely--"the unholy legions of the Djinn" will break loose and be set on the earth. This is, of course, a really bad thing.

Who's going to wake up our unholy legions? Why, the overly cutesy couple who just moved into a big run-down house labeled "fixer-upper" right on the bloody damn REALTY SIGN. Oh, and the previous occupants kindly left a bed upstairs so this overly cutesy couple could launch into a sex scene not three minutes into the movie.

You know, there's pandering, and then there's Pandering. This qualifies as PANDERING.

And then, in a real twist, the male half of our smarmy couple gets in a wreck on his motorcycle, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down--a shattered, bitter, alcohol-chugging wreckage of a human being. The female half gets her hands on a terribly familiar (if you've seen the rest of the movies) fire opal. From there, our terribly familiar Djinn friend shows up and sets out to get three wishes out of the female half of the smarmy couple so that he can...

...RAISE AN UNHOLY LEGION OF DJINN.

JUST LIKE HE'S TRIED AND FAILED TO DO FOR THE LAST THREE MOVIES.

Wow!

THAT'S not predictable or anything, is it?

Sometimes, you just wanna smack these horror figures upside the head and say:

"HEY! Dumb schmuck in the hockey mask / clawed glove / plain white mask / horned carapace / what have you! It's time to stop this huge, insane plot of yours. It's just not working out, man. Have you ever thought of getting a day job? Contributing to society? Doing SOMETHING with your life besides killing teenagers in flagrante delecto? Be somebody's 'Big Brother' or something!"

But anyway--our born loser of a Djinn has to carry on as best he can, and the best he can is a real doozy. He's actually got a PLAN worth speaking of in this one -- he kills a lawyer early on, poses as said lawyer, acts like sunshine and light to our smarmy female, and then quietly grants all the wishes she makes in that offhanded fashion that we've ALL been known to do from time to time.

Plenty of bloody face disfigurement in this one; faces get cut to bits and removed completely.

Extreme makeovers aside, Wishmaster: The Prophecy Fulfilled is a horrible flaming mishmash of Christian creation story and children's fairy tale that manages to offend its viewers on multiple levels. The script is jam-packed with predictability and only shines in comparison to its predecessors. It's not hard for a movie this poor to look good when stacked up against a series of truly awful movies. The acting is poor at best and anyone who's actually read a Bible story is going to be able to point at that opening text bloc and scream "Fraud!" without so much as a blink.

The ending is shoddy and strangely predictable -- no, the Djinn DOESN'T manage to pull it off, even with his fancy new plan.

The special features aren't too shoddy, actually, with two commentaries, Spanish subtitles, a trailer, storyboards, and a couple of quirky little numbers masquerading as featurettes cleverly titled "Wishmasterpiece Theatre" and "Wishmaster Dating Guide."

All in all, yipes! Wishmaster: The Prophecy Fulfilled is by itself a sad and shabby title that distinguishes itself only when compared alongside its truly awful brethren. It is the sexiest troglodyte at last call, and that's still not saying much.

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