A double bogey that hits the bunker and bounces right in the water
hazard. One more golf metaphor and I'm calling the whole thing a
mulligan and going to bed.
Greenskeeper
R
Rating - *1/2
Directed by
Kevin Greene
Adam Johnson
Writing credits
Kevin Greene
Alex Weir
Allelon Ruggiero .... Allen Anderson
John Rocker .... The Greenskeeper/George Anderson
Christi Taylor .... Mary Jane
Steve Rickman .... Chas
Ron Lester .... Styles
Thomas Merdis .... Otis Washington
Bruce Taylor .... John Anderson
Allison Kulp .... Mary Katherine
Melissa Ponzio .... Elena Rodriguez
Jamie Renell .... Champ
Michael Short .... Chet
Stephanie Bingham .... Mary Beth
Alfea Thomas .... Mrs. Anderson
Kevin Greene .... Chip
Patrick Donovan .... Stu
90min
Ever see a movie that relishes being awful?
That knows it's low-budget and poorly made, so it compensates?
And usually when it compensates, it has one of a handful of means to do so:
1. Extreme amounts of gore / blood
2. Half-naked and / or naked chicks
3. Bizarre killing methods
Greenskeeper uses all of these. See if you can spot them at home!
Our
hero starts off his morning with a series of dreams about his job as
greenskeeper at a local golf course. It's not much of a job, and his
high-society girlfriend just can't seem to live with it. And therefore,
she dumps him on his birthday. This earns her serious bitch points.
But
while Alan, the greenskeeper, isn't doing so well on this, his
BIRTHDAY, there's a big event going on. That night, on cable, will be
premiering a horror movie that everyone's been looking forward to
seeing.
The Milkman.
No, you are NOT hallucinating. You
just heard me say that a good chunk of this B-grade horror movie will
be devoted to the watching of ANOTHER B-grade horror movie. It's twice
the stink for your money!
Don't say Hollywood never gave you anything.
The
movie takes a ninety degree turn downward when the rich kids decide
they're going to have a party. Why, they even have plenty of "booze and
crack!" Boy, what else do you need? But they have a problem. No place
to hold the party! Hey... wait a minute... that rich girl, Mary
Catherine's boyfriend -- you know, the callow one whose birthday is
today -- he's the greenskeeper! They can get HIM to let them have a
party after everyone else goes home! Yeah!
And for those of you who don't see trouble coming from a mile away, get a helmet. You're going to need it.
The
movie carries on with demonizing the rich and a discussion of how PBS
furthers the gay agenda. And no, not the Teletubbies... Sesame Street.
Apparently old Mr. Snuffleupgus is a big concern....
[BB]
It doesn't take long for a gruesome murder to take place, which the country club's owner, Alan's stepdad, wants kept very quiet.
The worst of it is, the willowy, limpwristed, obviously gay cop doing the coverup? Officer Cox. Seriously. Again.
But
now, we get our first glimpse of The Milkman, involving a zombie dairy
man killing off promiscuous teen girls with large breasts while making
none too subtle jibes about "jugs". Needless to say, Allen doesn't like
it much, being a screenwriter...but his friends seem to appreciate it.
Then
again, his friends are stoned. Which suggests something about these
kinds of movies. Maybe I'd be less critical if I started getting baked
before I saw them.
Naaaaah!
So it's a bit more of the
same... half naked women being messily killed, and a few guys besides.
The standard rules apply: if you're an evil, nasty individual, you will
be killed.
Oh, yeah... and look for the "ball washer" to be used in a much more ironic way than you'd ever expect.
Warning in advance:
The
last half-hour WILL make you question your own sanity as you watch a
man being ridden across a room, like a horse, by a lingerie-clad woman,
and Officer Cox being tied to his own chair while watching two men
dance in police hats and little else. I'm gonna talk you down right
now... any time you get to wonder, just read this:
Yes, you are seeing this.
No, you are not insane.
Yes, the last ten minutes IS stolen directly from Shakespeare's Hamlet.
No, the Milkman is NOT Clint Howard, much as he might look like it or remind you of it.
Greenskeeper
comes with many special features, including trailer gallery for
unfathomable titles "Firefight," "Mary Christmas" and "Fire Over
Afghanistan," none of which have anything to do with Greenskeeper or
its genre. Also included are filmographies of our Z-grade actors,
closed captioning, and an original trailer, as well as audio options.
So,
all in all, Greenskeeper as horror movie is pretty lousy. But then, it
KNOWS it is, and responds accordingly. Call it a study project and
you'll feel a lot better.
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