One of the things I enjoy most about writing for this mag is that I can
write about whatever I want. In between watching Schoolhouse Rock on
DVD, I receive random thoughts and write them down for you to read.
Some
people enjoy them and some don't. I get emails from people who have
wide opinions of me - and I have my own opinions on them as well. Some
write and say they like what I've written, but wouldn't want me to hire
their daughters for "summer work." Some people have said that I look
like Ron Jeremy, which is true, but only from the waist down. Some say
I'm an asshole, I'm out there, I'm insane. I vehemently AGREE with all
of these assessments.
You have to have thick skin to be a
writer. As a writer, youre going to offend some people. I personally
think people are too sensitive today. Too many people sit around and
wait to get offended. Not me. I usually strike first.
With all of mans crowning achievements, the one that stands out the most for me is how far weve come since the early 1980s.
Take for example... goin' down on a woman. Seriously. It's a lot easier today than it was 20 years ago.
Back
then women had this affliction I used to call F.T.B., also known as
"Frozen Tundra Bush." It was like the outgrowth from hell. Some women I
knew had so much hair, you needed a road map and a compass to find your
way around. It was like a hunting expedition. Many times I never even
found what I was looking for! Talk about a waste of a day! Some women
could've been harboring fugitives down there and no one would've been
the wiser! If a person wasn't careful they could suffocate in that mess.
I
remember as a little guy seeing pictures in Playboy (and other
magazines I wasn't supposed to be reading) where the pictures of women
were covered in hair! You couldn't see anything, so I never thought
anything of it.
Nowadays things are different (and for the
better) because our species has always sought to improve our way of
life. One of man's greatest accomplishments isn't air conditioning;
it's not microwaved dinners; it's not the Polio vaccine nor open-heart
surgery; It's not even the 8 track, although that is a close second.
Nope, mankind's greatest accomplishment is... WAXING!
When women began waxing or shaving, it was a triumph unlike any other.[BB]
I've
always thought that hair all over a woman's body may be sexy in Europe
but I ain't in Europe. I don't see myself being turned on by a woman
with more hair on her chest than me for quite some time. For all I
know, the real reason our forefathers left Europe to come to America
was because they believed that hair all over a woman's body was
fashionably unacceptable - I don't know. I wasn't around back then, but
it's safe to say that I am not the only one who believes in this theory.
In
this day and age everything's a fashion statement. A woman's
mid-section ain't no exception. Today's modern woman does all sorts of
cute things to it. They get it tatooed with a little smiley face, which
is kind of weird when your tongue is probing around the promised land
and something's smiling back at you.
Some women will get it
pierced and, I'm sorry, but that's too painful to even think about. I
see that as the equivalent of having darts thrown at my balls. Some
women don't wax on/wax off completely so they wind up offering up that
cute little "80s Racing Stripe" for display; to me, that's like an
arrow inviting you to "Eat At Jo's."
But in the end, it's always
the "Bald Eagle" that gets my vote. When you think about it, who the
hell wants hair in their food? The "Bald Eagle" is more than an
American symbol, it's like winning the lottery. You get a girl with
that and it's a win-win situation for the both of you. She gets hers -
sometimes in record time - and you get to live to see another day.
In the end, everyone's happy
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