A Write of Passage

I am pretty new to the concept of writers block. I have heard about this affliction but otherwise I have no personal experience with the dreaded feeling a writer gets when he cant think of anything to write about. I'm told it is excruciating agony.

I can think of plenty of times when I was working on a comedy routine and had a hard time coming up with a good premise. I recall NOT liking the sensation at all. However, can I call those moments writers block? I'd finish the assignments in a timely manner. Ive always understood writers block to be an insufferable, ongoing process. Nobody really knows how long it can last. I suppose my brief instances without inspiration could have been writers block. If it is generally a much longer drawn out process than I suppose, Ive never really had it before.

Of course, NOW I have taken it upon myself to submit columns every week to The Cheers. Without really thinking about what could happen if I ran out of ideas, I signed on and charged myself with the task of creating something new on a regular basis. I didnt consider that sometimes I may not have anything to write about. I didnt stop to think that there would be times when I wasnt feeling well, or was too busy to sit down and write. It never dawned on me that writing 1,500+ words week after week could be very difficult. ]

I just contacted the editor, said, I'd like to be a writer! and began typing away. Why on Earth would I submit myself to this sort of pressure? Missing a week here is not the end of the world mind you, but I have self-imposed this need to write something and have therefore created a sense of urgency to complete the mission.
[BB]
Thinking about it, I've no idea if Siim Einfeldt woke up one morning and said , I'd like to be an editor! and just haphazardly started The Cheers. What if he were as nave as I was when I thought I could actually write for a magazine?

Am I the only one who made this ridiculous leap into a new world? Does everyone here at The Cheers fall into the category of wannabe writer convincingly faking BEING an actual writer?" Is this how all writers get into the business? Is it possible that all of the greatest novelists, columnists, playwrights and journalists just one day said , UmmId like to be a writer, and began writing?
All things considered, I am writing AND people are reading. I can assume Im doing something write. Write! See what I did there? I made a lexicological joke. Okay it was a typo that Im pretending is a clever pun, not unlike my pretending to be a writer.

Im composing this now and trying to figure out when Ill be a real writer and more importantly, feel like one. Is there any sort of tell-tale sign I should look for?

I have been with The Cheers since issue #3, and have been fairly prolific. I have also written comedy routines, sketches, short stories, plays, and columns years before Id ever decided to start submitting works anywhere. Clearly, longevity has nothing to do with it. I know many lousy entertainers that have been in the business a long time.

I co-wrote a book for cigar smokers called The Don Martello Cigar Smokers Journal. That book was sold in cigar stores in several states. I own the copyright and still sell copies off my website to this day. Selling a book could make you a writer I suppose.

A column I wrote about Prom was published in the Marengo Star newspaper my junior year of high school. It was not the same Prom article I wrote for The Cheers, mind you, but wouldnt it be even funnier if it was? Funny, until my parents found out how active a young lad I was.

In grade school, I won a creative writing contest and had to read the winning story in front of the PTA. THAT WAS COOL! Well, the cash prize was cool, the story itself was pretty lame. I wrote a heart-warming tale about Snoopys dog dish from the dishs point of view. Obviously my competition really sucked.

Regardless of these fine credentials and my ongoing presence in The Cheers, I cannot claim full ownership of the title, writer." Perhaps there are other ways to achieve this goal.
[BB]
Hearing nice things from other writers is always good. Ive received many kind remarks from people who certainly have more of a writing pedigree than myself. I havent received my signed Opus sketch yet, but I know Berkeley Breathed is a busy man.

I have received a few nice e-mails and comments from readers of my work. Of course I have also heard complaints. OOH! If they complain as well as praise, I MUST be connecting to people on some sort of emotional level with my writing. Hmmmwhat else?

I See Some Similarities

I have been told I remind people of other writers. Thats got to be something-being compared to other writers? Since I dont read much of anything at all. I dont know if these comparisons are necessarily good. I have HEARD of most of the authors mentioned but I have no practical knowledge of their work. I should just accept the comments as compliments. Then again, a good friend of mine boldly proclaimed that my work was akin to Hunter S. Thompson meets Hemingway. He sure seemed excited about the comparison and since I didnt get the chance to find out if he meant Ernest or Mariel Hemingway I assumed the statement was indeed a good thing. Regardless I told him he needed to ease off of the Guinness for awhile.

I guess the only way Ill truly know if Im a writer is if I ever suffer from writers block. It appears to be the only disease inherent to writers. There arent many other maladies that befall writers are there? There is writers cramp , but since I write most of my work while downloading porn I cant blame writing for all the pain in my wrist. I wonder if there are a lot of chronic masturbators telling their doctors that theyre writers to prevent embarrassment.
[BB]
Too Drinky!So what happens when you contract writers block? Ive been told that you struggle with every word in your head, trying to make sense of them all. It is as if the very thought of constructing a coherent sentence causes all knowledge of form and structure to fall into nothingness. Your ability to take words and create even a single line of text simply disappears.

Another symptom is over-analyzing why you cant write anything. You panic, making writing an even more difficult task . You examine your past works, contemplate why you got into the business, and compare any new sentence to other works using impossibly high standards." 'I am pretty new to the concept of writers block?' Oh my GOD! How could I have written such utter and total CRAP? 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' Now THERES an opening line! Is Starbucks hiring?

Incidentally, that oft-quoted line from A Tale of Two Cities is credited as THE opening line to end all opening lines. However, if you read the ENTIRE passage, youll find that it is arguably the single most self-indulgent sentence ever written. In fact, the entire first paragraph, all 119 words, is ONE LONG SENTENCE! Id have flunked my writing classes if Id tried to write something that drawn out. Charles Dickens was the Bill Zehme of his day. If Charles Dickens were in a rock band hed no doubt be the lead guitar player.

Eventually, you write about ANYTHING that comes to your mind. Every real writer will tell you the only way to defeat writers block is to write. But writing for the sake of writing is the worst! You get so paranoid about writing something good, publishing your grocery list seems like a brilliant idea. 'Eggs, milk, cereal, toilet paper, toothpaste, cat food' - Yeah, thats it! Check the word count & see how Im doing.

Some writers, desperate for subjects will try free association, hoping something will stand out as a worthy topic. Why is it so hard to get a cat to switch brands of cat food? Purina has a website? I havent updated my website in awhile. Am I visiting too many porn websites? I should write an article about porn for The Cheers. Who the hell gave my Kentucky article a rating of 6? I havent been to Kentucky in 6 years. Six is a dozen. A dozen is how many eggs come in a carton. Eggs, milk, cereal, toilet paper, toothpaste, cat food - BRILLIANT!!!"

Once I suffer through these painful symptoms and survive the ordeal by writing an amusing little column I will truly be able to call myself a writer. Having never had the illness I must confess that I am still just a pretender. Nope. Never had writers block. Not me. Id sure hate to find out what THAT is like.

Politics Factzone: The truth about Kim Jong Il Kim Jong Il, the leader of the free world, has decided to move on to more fertile grounds, leaving with us just the memories of 8-color rainbows, singing Korean women and couple of nuclear weapons. But who was this man whose next ambition would have been to get the next Nobel Peace prize? Here are just a few facts you should know about. more Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Related to John F. Kennedy's Assassination 26.Aug 2011 Since just after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theories abou...read ISRAEL KEEPING GHADDAFI AFLOAT 10.Mar 2011 ...read Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ! 10.Mar 2011 Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and m...read Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!) 28.Feb 2011 Rebellion is cooking in the air. People are mad as hell, and not going to take...read THE ASSANGE CASE. CIA INTERFERED WITH SWEDISH LEGAL PROCESSES EXTREME RIGHT POLITICS A DANGER TO EUROPEAN UNITY THE AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY. OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF FOCUS, OUT OF CREDIBILITY AND HOPEFULLY, OUT OF THE DOOR Opinion World governments charged with criminal negligence (in response to Megaupload case) EARTH (thecheers.org) - Federal authorities of the universe have charged the governments of all the countries in the world as well as the operators actually in power in these countries with operating a criminal enterprise, the Galaxy warriors announced Today. more The Great OSCARS 2011 – or so it would seem 5.Mar 2011 So, how exciting......a morning off, the Academy Awards. I wish I could say the...read Top 7 Expensive Bordellos. Prostitution: Shakedown, Tier Down, and Priced Out 31.Jan 2011 According to a report of the Washington DC-based US Department of State, The Ph...read The Great Secret and Reason for the JFK Assassination 11.Oct 2010 The great question is why the great secret? On June 4 1963, President Kennedy s...read Don't Do it! The 3 Worst Times to Get Tattoos 4.Oct 2010 As a general rule, tattoos gotten after 2 am are a bad idea. But in a bigger pi...read

Travel Travel Warning 13 September 2010 - DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN 13.Sep 2010 TRAVELWISE has been watching the situation in Iran for some months in relation ...read more TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL. 5.Jun 2010 Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES 16.Apr 2010 Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA. 5.Apr 2010 Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read TRAVELWISE 2 APRIL 2010. QANTAS. 2.Apr 2010 Some concerns have been raised in relation to some of the maintenance practices...read Sport No Payoff From the Playoffs $16.50 will Get Anyone in the Hall Mr McGwire Stupid Athlete Tricks Technology Think Big! Think the World's Largest International Trade Show Top 9 cool laptop accessories for laptop geeks Twittering: I'm not that interesting Cheers Jesus' Answering Machine Brown Couch or twelve midgets in the town square How To Be Happy Drugged Out Saturday Nights Muslim Decapitation: Bad, or Simply Misunderstood?